


Pretty Boy Smile

by venvea



Category: Descendants (Disney Movies), The Isle of the Lost Series - Melissa de la Cruz
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Bad Things Happen To Carlos, Fluff and Angst, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Underage Prostitution, M/M, Non-Consensual Touching, Panic Attacks, Past Abuse, Past Character Death, Past Child Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Pedophilia, Prostitution, Sexual Violence, Smoking, a BIG mistake because english isn't my first language, and carlos is carlos, evie and ben are fashion designers, jay's a photographer!, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-07
Updated: 2020-10-05
Packaged: 2020-10-11 16:50:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 20
Words: 71,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20549477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/venvea/pseuds/venvea
Summary: Jay is in a small and aging downtown convenience store when it happens. He has never been in it before, spending most of his time in the more expensive parts of the Auradon area, so the fact that it happens right at this moment, right when he is here, is nothing less than remarkable.He's waiting behind a young girl, probably his age. He listens to her quietly humming a song to herself when another girl behind the register says it."You tell little de Vil when you see him that I got that weird, salty chocolate that he likes back in stock. Don't know why I bother, he's the only one who buys it," she grumbles.Jay freezes. He hasn't heard that name in a long time.De Vil.





	1. [nothing less than remarkable]

**Author's Note:**

> ya, the original work was deleted. i don't know why, and at this point i'm too annoyed to ask. enjoy.
> 
> please, note that there may be triggers for some including mentions of sexual abuse and violence. i'll always note them in the beginning so you can skip a chapter if you want to.

Jay is in a small and aging downtown convenience store when it happens. He has never been in it before, spending most of his time in the more expensive parts of the Auradon area, so the fact that it happens right at this moment, right when he is here, is nothing less than remarkable.

He had a photo shoot that was set to the backdrop of an abandoned warehouse and although much preferring to have recreated the scene in his own spacious studio, being the professional photographer that he is, he conceded to the change of location. After all, when your clientele are as high profile as his, sometimes you have to play ball. He's on his way back to his studio when he ends up stopping at the convenience store, or he is on his way home, it's one in the same really.

There is a small building consisting of four floors that Jay calls home. The first floor being that of _Evie's 4 Hearts_, the high fashion boutique owned by his old friend and up and coming designer Evie Grimhilde. The second floor being _Beast B's_, Benjamin Beast's clothing store, consisting of mostly casual yet smart attire for men. The third floor is _Cobra Studios_, his favorite place in the world, and the top floor is his very own loft, so he is never far away from his work. Which makes him sound like a workaholic. Which is completely accurate. But when you are a fashion photographer and you are taking photos of celebrities from around the world, sometimes you have to work on their schedule. So it's good to be close by.

The whole set up is genius really. Female celebrities pick and choose from _Evie's 4 Hearts_, while the males get their choice of _Beast B's_, before wandering up to take their glamour shots with prominent photographer. Though sometimes people prefer to explore both stores, which Jay is all for. The forced binary of gender stereotypes do not exist in his studio.

So it is when he is on his way home and realizes he still has not bought any food for the dog, that he pulls into the convenience store, praying they stock food for animals. They don't. But he buys himself a snickers and an ice coffee anyhow, because he is a child in a grown man's body. There are only three other people in the shop; a boy, probably not a lot younger than him, with blonde hair and a yellow bandana on his head is sitting on the counter and speaking to someone on his phone. Jay is waiting behind a young girl, probably his age. He doesn't see her face, he can't, but he must admit that a big — obviously painted by the girl — silver dragon on the back of her purple jacket is quite impressive. She's quietly humming a song to herself while sketching something in a small green notebook when another person, a petite girl with long cyan hair and stormy brown eyes behind the register says it.

"You tell little de Vil when you see him that I got that weird, salty chocolate that he likes back in stock. Don't know why I bother, he's the only one who buys it," she grumbles.

Jay freezes. He hasn't heard that name in a long time. De Vil.

It means nothing.

Because there are probably plenty of people in the world with that name. Are there? The chances that this _little de Vil_ is _his_ de Vil from the Isle are minimal. Yet there are these alarm bells going off in his head and a churning in his stomach telling him that even a minimal chance is a chance all the same.

"And what, more spray cans? You're going to get yourself into trouble, and I ain't taken the blame when mom comes in here looking to whoop someone's ass," she continues with a chuckle.

The girl in front of him chuckles too and heads over to the exit, yelling a "Bye, Shrimpy— I mean Uma!" over her shoulder, in a way that suggests she is very much used to, and very much unaffected by _Shrimpy_'s grumpy demeanor. She does this all without even stopping doodling, and he can see a portrait of someone very, very familiar in her notepad. It's so impressive that Jay almost finds himself distracted when he gets in front of the girl he now knows as a _Shrimpy_, or Uma. Almost.

He is placing his things on the counter slowly while building up the courage to ask a question he hasn't asked anyone in a long, long time.

"Uhm... sorry for eavesdropping, I just happened to overhear you mention... a de Vil? Would that be— would that be _Carlos_ de Vil?" he awkwardly asks.

He can feel his heart thudding against his rib cage. He had not dared hope to find him for a long time now. Uma narrows her eyes at him as she looks him over.

"Don't you come in here asking me about that boy. I won't have that in my store. If you have business with him, fine. But that's between you and him," Uma answers gruffly.

Jay is incredibly confused. Does that mean this de Vil is Carlos de Vil? That it could be _his_ Carlos de Vil?

"What? No, him and I used to—" Jay tries to explain but is quickly cut off.

"I don't care what you used to do. If he wanted you to know where he was, you'd know. Honestly, just leave the boy alone, he has had enough trouble without another like you sniffing around," Uma says, obviously frustrated and getting angry.

Just as Jay feels all hope fading, that there is no chance this woman is going to give him anything helpful to work with, the Dragon Girl comes to mind. He doesn't answer Uma when she asks why is he in such a rush, the adrenaline is back, the hope is back, and with a new surge of energy he is collecting his chocolate and drink and running out the store.

If the Dragon Girl was on foot she could not have gone far and Jay saw no other cars parked near the rundown store. He runs to the sidewalk and looks in both directions frantically hoping to see a familiar face. He doesn't. But much further down the road walking in long strides he does spot the familiar figure of the girl, retreating quickly into the distance.

Jay has always been the one for sports, at least he thought he was, but the quick sprint he has broken into is making him reconsider. He is gaining on the girl fast and it isn't until he is within a few meters of her that he realizes he is chasing after a stranger to ask about someone he hasn't seen in years. _Shrimpy_ could be right, Jay begins to think, perhaps this person doesn't want to be found. Perhaps it is not even _his_ de Vil they were talking about. He feels insane. And yet it doesn't stop him.

"Wait, excuse me! Wait, please!" Jay calls out, panting heavily and struggling to catch his breath. Yeah, he wasn't right the first time about the sports thing.

The purple haired girl stops, raises an eyebrow at him and watches as Jay dramatically bends over a little as if having run a marathon, rather than a 200 meter sprint at best. She seems slightly amused though at Jay's theatrics which gives him some confidence that perhaps this time the conversation will go a little better.

"Sorry for chasing you down... like this... I just couldn't help but overhear... you and the other girl talking.... And she mentioned a de Vil to you?" Jay says between breaths.

The girl immediately sighs and rolls her green eyes.

"Listen, man, do I look like a whore to you? Oh, no, no, no, wait, don't actually answer. Just go bother someone else," she says and immediately begins to walk away.

"Wait, what? No!" Jay says, catching up to her until the Dragon Girl stops again and looks at him.

"He has curly hair, dark brown eyes, he's short... actually, I'm not sure if he is short. He _was_ short. I can't really imagine him being tall but then—" he's cut off mid-ramble.

"Look, if you don't even know who you're talking about, I am not really telling you anything," says the Dragon Girl.

"I know who I'm talking about. I just wanted to know who _you_ were talking about," Jay replies.

The girl looks at him suspiciously.

"Because I'm an old friend. From the Isle. Isle of the Lost. And, well, I'm looking for him," Jay says, unsure of himself but desperate for some sort of answer, some sort of tangible piece of information, that he can cling to. 

Isle of the Lost, how's called one particular district, section settled just between Auradon and Corona, is definitely not a great place to live. Still, Jay thinks about it with a wide smile on his face, since memories about Carlos come mainly from that place.

Jay doesn't tell anyone that he's from the Isle. It's a place for gangs. Drug dealers. Not a famous photographer who always tries his best and not only makes shoots that get on the covers of magazines, Jay _himself_ gets on the covers of magazines. He doesn't want anyone to know. He's not ashamed, but an information like that would certainly damage his career.

But if it's the only thing that will help him find Carlos, he'll try. 

"If you were an old friend of Carlos' then you wouldn't be mentioning the Isle. Carlos doesn't have any old friends from there," she says, frustrated and determined to prove her point. "And as far as I'm concerned, if you can't find him, then he doesn't want to be found. So search for some other pretty girl for the night, because, believe me, you won't find any pretty boy."

The young girl is slightly confirming his fears. Carlos de Vil doesn't want people to find him. Doesn't even want _Jay_ to find him. 

He can't help but ask, "But he is from the Isle, isn't he?"

Jay has to call it out as the girl has already began to walk away. He gets no answer, but it's too late. He is convinced. There is a Carlos de Vil in downtown Auradon, originally from the Isle of the Lost. It has to be his Carlos de Vil.

He walks slowly back to his car and begins his drive home, all the while contemplating his next move. There is no question about whether or not Jay is going to try and find him, he has to find him. The only real question is _how_? 

He doesn't want to reach the conclusion that he is reaching as he pulls in beside his building, but based on what was said to him he can't really reach any other. The Dragon Girl asked him if she looked like a whore, told him to search for some other pretty girl for the night, and Uma mentioned something about having business with him, business she didn't want brought into her store.

He could be totally wrong. He really could. But business that involves whores and pretty boys in the night suggests a certain kind of profession. He feels sick thinking it. The idea devastates him. The image in his mind of the tiny boy with freckles and the biggest smile that caused the sweetest dimples, selling himself on the streets? _His _Carlos de Vil. A prostitute.

The only plan Jay can come up with is to cruise the downtown neighborhood, where the prostitutes tend to linger. If Carlos really is one and he knows the people in the area, he hopes that is where he will be.

And so this is what Jay does every night for a whole week. He keeps having to politely decline all the working women who approach his car as he cruises, slowly searching for a face he is sure he will recognize, despite the many years that have passed.

Halfway into his second week he is feeling defeated. He isn't even truly sure that it's _his_ Carlos de Vil the Dragon Girl was talking about or that this Carlos de Vil is a hooker. He is parked downtown, having a break from trolling the street corners to drink a coffee. Between work and his new found hobby of inspecting the nightlife, he has had little to no sleep.

It is just as he is thinking that it's a hopeless case he hears the tap on his window. He rolls it down to see a woman standing there, short dress and fishnets clearly visible.

"You looking for some company tonight, honey?" she asks, clearly a rehearsed line.

Jay shakes his head slightly, staring into his lap. "No... yes— I mean... kinda? I mean, yes, I am, but I can't seem to find him. I don't know what else to do."

He is definitely way too tired. He just had such a strong sense of hope that finally he would be able to see Carlos again. But as has happened before, his premature optimism jumped the gun too sun, leaving him worse than ever. 

"Oh, _him_? What a pity," she says smiling at him. "You must be searching for the pup, then. I'm sorry, but it's very late at night, sweetheart, I'm afraid someone already took him home," she says casually, smiling a little bit and playing with her fingers. "But, if you still have hope or anything, you're simply on the wrong block," she adds, standing a little straighter and lighting a cigarette.

Jay's head snaps up. How could he be so stupid? He is on the wrong fucking corner. He has only been seeing the same prostitutes this entire time. Of course Carlos would be in a different area. His Carlos is smarter than this, goddamnit.

He is asking the woman for directions of which street he needs to get to, handing her a fifty and driving away with that premature optimism taking control again. Why had he not realized that sooner?

Once he reaches the street the lady had told him to go to he decides to park his car and walk instead. He walks the length of the street, up and back, passing different people. Some people are simply walking to get where they need to go, some are nervously eyeing everyone. But noone is just blatantly a prostitute. 

He walks the same long street for an hour or so until a small figure catches his eye. Dressed in black shorts that reach just below his knee and a black and white t-shirt that is much too thin for this weather, the boy crosses the road to come stand on the same street as Jay. Jay knows. At least he thinks he knows. Even from this distance. The curly hair, the way he holds himself. He knows that boy.

He gets closer and begins to jog slightly when he sees the boy approaching a car. He is leaning over talking to the man inside through the passenger window in the street, smiling and laughing when Jay comes to stand on the sidewalk opposite. The boy is facing him. A tiny boy with freckles and the biggest smile that causes the sweetest dimples.

"Carlos?" he calls out softly, despite his heart thumping in his chest.

The boy looks up. 

_He's found him. _


	2. [the bad stuff]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mentions of drug use, death and slight reference to child abuse in this chapter.

Jay watches as a look of complete shock washes over Carlos' features. He's staring frozen over at him, his big brown eyes wide and vulnerable, full lips slightly parted. It isn't until the man he had been talking to in the car becomes impatient and simply drives off that Carlos seems to snap out of it.

It's as if almost a switch is flicked and the young boy cocks his hip and completely transforms in front of Jay's eyes. All signs of vulnerability immediately hidden away, Carlos raises an eyebrow and looks Jay up and down.

"Something I can help you with?" he asks suggestively.

This completely throws Jay off. He is in such a state of shock he has no idea what to say. He was so consumed by the idea of finding him he hadn't thought to what he would do when he did. But now here he is, in the flesh, and Jay's got nothing.

"If you're not looking for company you need to move along, a crowd isn't exactly good for business," Carlos says impatiently, crossing back to the sidewalk and giving Jay a wide berth before beginning to walk off. 

This is what snaps Jay out of it.

"Wait! Carlos, please," Jay says following him, slightly confused.

Maybe he doesn't recognize him. It's possible. But Jay is almost positive that the moment Carlos' eyes met his he knew exactly who he was looking at. Or maybe that was just wishful thinking.

Carlos turns around and looks at him, irritation clearly written all over his face. 

"What do you want?"

"It's just.. Can I— can I talk to you?" Jay asks.

Carlos shakes his head exasperated. 

"You _are_ talking to me. But time is money and you've already lost me one possible customer tonight," he says taking a step closer. "You need to leave. Now. Or find someone else to talk to if that's what you're into," he says, eyes searching Jay's, attempting to convey just how serious he is about not wanting him around.

They're close now. Jay can see the paleness of Carlos' skin, his freckles looking almost like scars on it, the way his t-shirt hangs from a pair of sharp collarbones, the tiredness in his eyes. He wants to memorize all of him. Imprint him in his mind. He wants to photograph him.

"Carlos?" he questions confused. "Please, I'm not into talking, whatever that means. And I wasn't looking for just anyone, I was looking for you," Jay says.

"Well you found me and yet, you don't seem to want to fuck me," Carlos exclaims too loudly, while taking a step back so he is no longer staring up at Jay. 

"Not quite what you were hoping for, I suppose? Don't worry. I can point you in the direction of someone else and— hey, if you tell me what you're into I'll even give you a few recommendations, Desiree is probably free now," his voice is almost cheerful as he says it, but the forced smile on his face would suggest otherwise.

Jay shakes his head aggressively.

"I am Jay and you are Carlos. I don't want anything. It's just... I'm just... It's me. It's Jay," he ends desperately, not knowing what else to say.

Carlos lets out a long sigh and looks down for a moment before peering back up at him, one side of his face covered by his bleached hair.

"I know," he answers quietly.

* * *

Jay was put into the foster care system at the age of five. His mother had died when he was nearly three, leaving him with a heartbroken man who couldn't think of any way a child like Jay would be useful for him. Jafar had gone out one night night, and on his way home he was in a head on collision with a drunk driver. Both died on impact.

He doesn't remember much of that first year, except he was in and out of different foster homes, scared and consequently acting out. He couldn't get used to the different rules, the different mannerisms or the sudden feeling of being completely alone. He would make the decision before he was even placed with a family to have them kick him out as soon as possible. The only place that made him feel the safest was the group home that he was situated in immediately following his father's death.

Some people considered the group home — located very, very close to his old home and his father's shop, dangerously close to the Isle, as quite a lot of children came from this area — purgatory. It was where groups of kids stayed while social workers were looking for suitable families to place them with. But for Jay, it was the closest to home as it was going to get. He was in a two bedded room where there was a constant stream of different kids coming and going. There was a communal eating area, a big yard to play in and everyone had to pitch in to keep the place running. But most importantly, there was no one around trying to welcome him into their family and teach him how to be their new son. There was no one there trying to replace his parents.

Though not all foster carers were looking for new additions to the family. Some were just looking for new additions to their bank account. Jay found them easier to deal with. As soon as he started breaking shit and they realized he cost more than he was worth, he was booted straight back to the group home.

It would be a year in that he would meet Carlos de Vil. Now six and feeling a lot tougher than he actually was, Jay was woken late in the night to find one of the staff leading a tiny, tiny boy into his room. The woman whispered to the boy and gestured to the bed that sat vacant against the opposite wall, before pulling back the blankets and tucking him in.

It was not the first time this had happened. Some of these kids had parents who weren't very kind to them. So sometimes after cops had been called at ungodly hours, kids were brought in to stay the night. Jay had woken more than once to find a child covered in bruises had been assigned to the empty bed in the night and he had slept right through all of it. It was sad, Jay hated it. But he would come to see it quite a lot given the circumstances.

He had strained his ears listening for any signs of crying once the woman had left. But the tiny boy remained silent. Crying was something else he had got used to hearing, he had met only one child that didn't cry — he never got her name, but he's found her notebook. It was enough. Every page of it was covered in drawings, letters and her initials, M.B. He really wanted to get to know her better, but she wasn't there even for three days, and she already got adopted by some rich family. It definitely wasn't a surprise, the girl was really pretty, had the most magical green eyes and the longest blonde hair he'd ever seen. She looked quite good as for someone that just got separated from their parents. And there really was never a good reason why a child was put into foster care and separated from their parents. It usually was either due to death or violence. There weren't many other reasons Jay had heard about.

He had sat up in bed and peered through the dark at the boy. He was pressed against the wall. Almost wedging his small body between the wall and mattress. As if afraid of someone sneaking up behind him and perhaps he had a reason to be. Jay wouldn't ask. Not yet at least.

"You okay?" he called out.

But the boy wouldn't answer. He wouldn't answer anyone. It would be a full week before Jay would hear his voice. In the meantime, he would find out his name was Carlos, he was almost five years old, his mom was a fashion designer and had just died from a heroin overdose.

Nothing of significance particularly happened to get Carlos talking to Jay. It was as if he simply had come to the conclusion that he liked him and that was that. From memory, Jay thinks the first time he heard him speak was when he caught him giggling at the faces he was pulling at one of the other kids across the table while they were eating.

"Do you think that's funny?" Jay asked, grinning at him.

In the quietest voice Carlos answered. 

"Yes."

So Jay kept going, directing them at Carlos. From then on, Jay couldn't escape the boy. Not that he ever really tried. He was perfectly happy with the company, and Carlos needed to have someone around anyhow. He was small, even for a nearly five year old, and that meant he was an easy target. Not that Jay was much of a match for any of the older kids, but he could definitely handle the ones their age. Carlos didn't always need help though. Turns out once he started talking he was quite a feisty little thing. Jay loved him from the very beginning.

Carlos was a little messed up though. A lot of kids who came from parents with drug related backgrounds had seen horrible things. Carlos, of course, wasn't an exception. His father was never in the picture, his mom never even indicated she really knew who he was, alluding to several different men in her past as possibilities. This included one of her drug dealers, her best friend's husband and a guy she once slept with when she was really high at a party.

On her own, Carlos' mother took care of him as best she could whilst still managing her addiction. She was a fashion icon a couple years ago, before her son came along. They had lived in a big house that his mother afforded when she still had some money from her career, due to child benefits and splitting the rent between multiple different roommates, all addicts. They would get together and take different drugs, inviting over different people they had met with similar proclivities.

During these times, Carlos would be left alone in his room. His mom (Cruella, was her name, as Jay learned later) would tell him to go to sleep and not come out, even if it was four o'clock in the afternoon and he had yet to have anything to eat. He used to sneak out to grab some bread or cereal and would often witness people blacking out or becoming violent or paranoid from a bad trip. But the worst part for Carlos was the ones his mother would let stay over and share their beds, including Carlos' one.

Which is why at night he could barely get to sleep, constantly waking in a panic, panting and dripping with sweat. It was as if he had to constantly keep watch to make sure they weren't coming in. It's also why he has to sleep with his back to the wall. He would do it at home so he could see them coming and before they slipped into the bed, squeeze himself between the bed frame and wall until he was able to drop down the side and then just sleep under there until morning.

Even though technically it couldn't happen once he was in the group home, he needed the solid comfort of the wall pressed against his back where nobody could sneak up on him. On really bad nights, Jay would find him curled up in a ball underneath his bed. So he would end up pulling him out and tucking him into his own. Pushing his small body up against the wall and curling up next to him so there was nothing that could get between. At first he was wary that this might make Carlos worse, might make him feel trapped with someone again. But Carlos had just gone straight to sleep and in the morning told Jay he smelled like the good stuff. Jay didn't know what that meant, but it was obviously enough to make him feel safe in sleep.

The first time they were separated, when Carlos just turned five and Jay's seventh birthday were around the corner, Carlos was sent to live with a foster family and it was awful. Jay had also been sent to another. But the staff knew he'd be back soon, he always was. Jay had quite a mouth on him and still hadn't changed his mind about the group home being his actual home. He was not interested in finding a new family. Especially now that he had Carlos. That was all the family he needed.

Carlos had had a tougher time. He had attached himself to Jay so completely once his mother had died, that it was traumatizing to be taken somewhere where Jay wasn't. He was inconsolable and couldn't stop crying. The family he stayed with had boys of their own and had no patience for a cry baby. They ended up locking him in the basement to get away from his crying. He was back in the group home not a day later, Jay was already there and waiting with open arms.

Hay had been so angry hearing Carlos' watery voice tell him what happened that it was in this moment he came up with the plan. Jay hated the foster homes, Carlos hated being away from Jay. So a week into their stay if one or both had been sent to a different carer, they would make a run for it. The meeting place they decided on was a park they were sometimes allowed to play in when they had tagged along with staff on a supply run and behaved themselves. They promised each other that no matter how many times they were split up or made to go back to a home, in a weeks time they would find each other again.

And that's exactly what they did. It didn't bother them that they were yelled at or punished for constantly running away, it wasn't going to stop them. They did it for years, catching buses or hitching rides if they had to. It happened so often their social workers began to overlook their cases and focus on their other charges. Perhaps if the system weren't so flawed and there weren't so many kids who needed help, Jay and Carlos wouldn't have been able to pull it off for so long.

For six years they did this. It was just after Jay turned twelve that things would change. He wouldn't realize it at the time, but what he initiated back then would lead to the breaking of that promise they had made so many years ago.

To this day, Jay still wants answers as to who it was that was responsible for what happened, or what didn't happen. Even if it turns out it was his fault.


	3. [if that's what it takes]

"You look the same," Jay says fondly.

Carlos looks up at him, visibly uncomfortable under his gaze. He doesn't agree. He doesn't agree _at all_. If Jay looks any closer he'll realize he's only a shell of the boy he used to be, so he doesn't want him looking any closer.

"Still so tiny," he continues.

Carlos turns his head away with a reluctant smile, schooling his features back to something more neutral when he looks back up at him.

He doesn't say anything back. But that's okay with Jay, he's used to it, after all. He is just happy to finally be in Carlos' presence again, warmth and affection spreading throughout his limbs despite the cold weather. Which is when he notices Carlos' slight shiver.

"It's too cold for you to be out here in only a t-shirt," Jay says, hand moving as if to touch the fabric of his white sleeve.

But he decides against it when he sees Carlos tense. It brings him back to the reality of the situation. It has been almost ten years since he had last seen him - he can't just reach out and touch him like he used to. Despite the fact he wants to, wants to gather the small boy up in his arms like when they were kids.

A silence has settled. Carlos standing awkwardly and only looking at him for a few seconds at a time before averting his gaze back to their surroundings, not able to really focus on anything. Jay is wearing simple black jeans and a yellow button down with a long dark brown coat, one of Ben's designs that hangs to mid-thigh. He takes it off purposely, Carlos watching him warily and gently places it over the younger boy's shoulders.

Carlos grabs at it and goes to quickly remove it, wanting to protest that he doesn't need it. But Jay shakes his head at him.

"I'm not going to just stand here and watch you freeze," he says.

Carlos pauses for a moment before answering.

"You don't have to," he says, fidgeting with the jacket, as if still debating whether he should just take it off and hand it back over.

"I'm not going to take it back, even if you try. So either both of us have no coat or you keep it on. Besides, it looks better on you," Jay says, smiling as he looks Carlos up and down.

It's true. It looks good on him, it looks _better_ on him. It's a lot bigger on his smaller frame, falling down to his knees on either side of his body, and the way it's just sitting on his shoulders makes him look like a model and Jay has seen many models, so he'd know.

Again, Carlos doesn't answer him. He doesn't really know what to say, he hadn't planned on ever seeing Jay again. He doesn't know what happens now that he has. His hope is that Jay will just leave soon and not come back. From what he couldn't help but find out over the years about him, Jay has made something of himself. Really made something. He doesn't need someone like Carlos in his life tainting that.

"Come home with me." 

It's out of Jay's mouth before he even really thinks about it and from the look on Carlos' face it was the wrong thing to say.

"No, not like that," he says quickly. "It's just cold and it's getting late. And I want to talk to you," he explains.

Carlos shakes his head. 

"It might be late for those of you whose working hours are nine to five. But the night's only just beginning for someone like me." 

Carlos looks at him with determination, almost challenging him to look away in discomfort.

"But I've only just found you. You can't expect me to just walk away and go home. Please, Carlos, come with me," Jay says.

He has been nothing but desperate since he first heard Carlos' name mentioned in the convenience store weeks ago and upon finding him, the feeling has only increased.

"I can't. This is how I make my money. Might not be conventional for someone like you. But it's how I get by," he answers, reaching for the coat and taking it off his shoulders. "Thanks for the coat," he says, despite only having worn it for less than five minutes and gestures for Jay to take it back.

Jay doesn't reach for it. Just stares at Carlos in concentration. There is no way he is leaving without him. It's been nine years and yet he can tell that he is just as attached to him now as he was back then. The idea of Carlos leaving his sight for even just a minute seems impossible already.

"You won't come with me, will you?" he asks, knowing the answer.

Carlos shakes his head. "I told you. I can't."

"Fine," Jay says, taking a deep breath. "How much for the whole night?" he asks, nostrils flaring, clearly uncomfortable with his own question.

Carlos blanches and stares back at him.

"What? You're going to pay me to come home with you?"

It's clear he did not see that one coming.

"If that's what it takes," Jay says, more sure of himself now.

Carlos hesitates. Should he give him a fake price to just try or simply tell him to go away and leave it at that? He doesn't want Jay back in his life, he can't have Jay back in his life. Too much has happened. But money is money and Carlos doesn't really have a lot of choices these days.

"250 for the night. Upfront and in cash," he says decidedly, just to try his luck. Maybe Jay is really so desperate that he'll pay him that much. 

Still, he can do this. He can spend one night with Jay. It's better than some of his other prospects. Besides, no one really asks to spend the whole night with him and 250 dollars will be enough to get him through the week, not that it would make much difference. He'll still be out when the sun goes down tomorrow.

Jay nods his head and turns to walk back in the direction of his car, looking around to see that Carlos has yet to start following him.

"Come on then 'Los," he calls, "and put the coat back on. It's yours now."

Carlos winces slightly at the familiarity of the nickname. He wishes Jay hadn't of said it. It seems wrong given the circumstances. He never wanted to associate Jay with this part of his life. He was happy with what he remembered.

He eventually takes a deep breath and does what he is told, putting the coat back on, properly this time, and begins to follow. He wants to say that this isn't the strangest thing that has ever happened to him since he started working the streets, but despite all the odd requests and sometimes dangerous encounters, this seems to be the one that has thrown him the most.

They are silent on the drive back to Jay's. Jay is too busy with his own thoughts, trying to convince himself that he is doing the right thing. He feels uncomfortable purchasing Carlos' time like this. He has no problems with handing over the money, but he doesn't like the way it makes him feel. Like he's using Carlos. Not that he's going to actually _use _Carlos. He just can't bear the thought of leaving him. Like he said, if this is what it takes to get Carlos to come home with him, spend the night in a real bed, he'll do it.

Carlos is watching as the downtown Auradon area vanishes the further they drive, the buildings around getting increasingly expensive. He briefly wonders how well off Jay actually is. He didn't seem to have any qualms about handing over 200 dollars just to have Carlos for a night. Must be nice not to worry about money like that. He knows though that Jay's earned it, they both came from very humble beginnings. Things just don't always work out for everyone as well as they did for him. Even the car he's sitting in feels too nice, like he shouldn't be allowed in it. Though he has sat in more expensive cars in his line of work, with rich businessmen looking for a fix before going home to their wife and kids.

He sinks further into the seat, attempting to disappear inside Jay's warm coat. But even then by doing so an expensive cologne invades his nostrils, not helping him to forget where he is. Especially when there is this underlying familiar scent. He shouldn't be able to recognize Jay's smell, when they were kids they used to wash with the cheap soaps that the group home bought in bulk. But there it is, a smell that is undeniably Jay.

The car pulls over in a main street and Carlos looks over at Jay confused. Jay gives him a wry smile before mumbling, "I just have to get some money out."

Carlos looks out the passenger window feeling uncomfortable as Jay legs it as quickly as he can to the automated machine. Carlos could make a run for it while Jay's distracted if he wanted to. Just get out of the car and disappear into some dark alleyway. But he doesn't, he stays right where Jay left him, despite the fact he is internally shouting at himself to move, to get out. He doesn't know why he doesn't, perhaps he is just so indecisive about what to do with Jay, that his body is just doing nothing.

Jay is back in the car before he knows it, shutting the door and buckling his seat belt before turning to Carlos.

"250 for the night. Upfront. In cash," Jay says, handing the crisp bills over.

He's so dumb. 

Carlos takes them without looking at Jay, before sliding down the seat a little so he can fit them in his jeans. Jay watches the movement, noticing how narrow his hips are. He wonders if he were to wrap both his hands around them, would he be able to touch the tips of his fingers together at the small of his back.

He quickly shakes the thought and starts driving again, eager to just get Carlos home. Well, to _his_ home. Just somewhere where he knows he is safe and warm and away from men looking to take advantage of him. He doesn't really want to think too hard on what Carlos has had to do to get by. He can't stand the idea and if he dwells on it too long he may just start to cry.

When they pull up to his building he tries to subtly gauge Carlos' reaction. It's ridiculous, but he's nervous, he wants him to like it. Jay takes him through the back entrance in the car park, bringing them around to the elevators in the main foyer. To the left is the entrance to _Evie's 4 Hearts_ and on the right a set of elevators. That's how most of the levels are set up. There are two elevators that lead up to small foyers where the stores and Jay's studio opens up. The top floor however just leads straight into Jay's loft, which is why there are two sets of elevators and one which requires a passcode. The elevator on the left is for customers and clients that only has access to the first three floors, the right is for personal use that goes all the way to the top.

Jay puts the code in and the elevator doors open, he gestures for Carlos to go inside and watches how he folds his arms across his chest and clutches the coat closer to his body. Jay makes sure not to stand too close once he's pushed the button for the fourth floor.

When the doors open, again Jay tries to take in Carlos' reaction at seeing where he lives. He wants him to approve of it so bad it's absurd, but all Carlos offers is a small smile. The place isn't huge, it wasn't really meant to be a place of residence, but he thinks he did a pretty good job of turning it into one. The whole building used to be an old public library before they moved it to a bigger and better location, with the third floor containing research rooms with computers that Jay turned into offices. The top floor was simply used for community meetings and bingo apparently.

Jay renovated everything, Evie and Ben doing the same with their floors that had contained all the books. Upon exiting the elevator on the top floor, one steps out into the main room. There is a kitchen in the corner to the left, a living area to the right, and a small hallway directly opposite the doors leading to a bathroom and the bedrooms.

"Do you want anything to eat? Drink?" Jay asks.

Carlos shakes his head, looking uncomfortable and feeling out of place.

And silence ensues. Again. But this time Carlos makes the effort to break it.

"So you own the whole building?" he asks, walking over to the DVD cabinet and looking through the titles, trying to distract himself from how awkward he feels.

"No," he chuckles, relieved at something to talk about. "We lease it. That's Evie, Ben and me. They own the stores on the first and second level," he says.

"Sounds like a pretty sweet deal. You're lucky," Carlos answers, looking over at Jay who is hovering awkwardly near the kitchen. It seems he is not the only one feeling out of place.

"Yeah. I have Evie to thank for that. She won a reality TV show and we were able to secure the lease and put most of the prize money she earned toward getting this place up and running," Jay says.

"TV show?" Carlos queries.

"Yeah, _Project Runway_? It's for designers, it's where she met Ben. He was runners-up and the one who found this place. We all put in, Ben with what money he had saved and me with what money my parent's left me. But it was Evie who really backed the whole thing," he says smiling.

Carlos looks at him with an odd expression and it takes Jay a moment to realize why he looks so troubled.

"I mean my _foster_ parents," he says awkwardly.

Carlos nods slowly. They have yet to talk about their past, specifically the part of their lives when they all of a sudden were no longer together. Jay wants to ask him about everything that has happened since he was lost to him, particularly why he became lost to him in the first place. He is about to open his mouth to do just that when he sees Carlos stifle a yawn.

"Are you tired? Of course you are," Jay says glancing at his watch. "It's past two in the morning. Come on, I'll show you where you can sleep."

Carlos follows silently as Jay leads him down the hallway. Jay tells him as they pass the first door on the left that it's the bathroom, before leading him to the end of the hallway. He opens the last door, also on the left and Carlos steps into a bedroom. He can tell it's definitely not Jay's, it's too plain.

"This is the spare room. Make yourself at home, no one really stays in it. My room is the only door on the right if you need me for anything," he says, gesturing back into the hallway.

Carlos stares at him.

"What?" Jay says, worried that Carlos doesn't like the room.

"Is that it?" Carlos asks.

"What do you mean?" Jay says confused.

"You brought me all the way back here for a five minute chat and then to just... sleep?" Carlos questions in disbelief.

"I told you, that's all I wanted," Jay says matter of fact. 

Carlos just continues staring.

"Well, I guess I'll say good night. Help yourself to whatever and, uh, have a good sleep?" Jay says, ending his sentence like a question. 

For the millionth time that night, he again is unsure of what to do. So he sort of just nods awkwardly and walks into his own room. He can't help though but listen as Carlos shuffles around, curious as to what it is he may be doing.

He eventually gives in to his own tiredness and changes into some sweatpants and a t-shirt, allowing himself to drift to sleep with images of a grown up Carlos de Vil flickering behind his eyelids.

* * *

He wakes in the morning to his alarm going off, telling him it's eight o'clock and he needs to get up. He stretches leisurely in bed, slowly becoming more alert before he remembers the events of last night. Carlos, Carlos de Vil is in his loft right now, sleeping in his spare bedroom.

He gets up with a spring in his step he is usually lacking so early in the morning and steps out into the hallway. Would Carlos be up this early? From memory they both used to like their sleep-ins. He sees that the door to the spare room has been left open and decides to chance a peek to see if he's awake.

The room is empty. The bed looks like it hasn't even been slept in, if it weren't for the way the throw blanket at the end of the bed is slightly crumpled, he wouldn't have thought Carlos had been there at all.

He makes his way towards the main room, poking his head into the bathroom for any sign of the small boy and finding nothing. There's no one in the kitchen or living area either. Carlos is gone. Jay rubs his eyes in frustration, before throwing his hands to his sides feeling defeated. But then something catches his eye on the kitchen bench.

It's his coat, folded neatly with a small torn off piece of paper sitting on top of it. He slowly walks over to it.

_Thanks, J._

The biggest smile makes its way across his face.


	4. [we always said we would]

As Jay went through his teenage years, he would often find himself visiting the park where Carlos and he used to meet. He did it religiously when Carlos first disappeared, at least once a week hoping that he would one day turn up and find Carlos there waiting for him, ready to tell him with the greatest amount of drama and theatrics about how he was unable to get to him but managed an eventual sleek escape. It never happened.

So as the years passed, it instead became a place where he would go to be by himself. A place where he could clear his head and think. He often felt like by doing this, by returning to what was once their park, Carlos was somehow still with him, sharing whatever burden was on his mind.

There was never any sign that Carlos himself had ever returned, but when he was thirteen he went back once to find an inscription carved into the wood of the bench that sat opposite the playground. It was the bench they used to sit on while waiting for the other to show up. It simply read:

_Love you, J. _

He never knew if it was Carlos who put it there or if the message was even meant for him, but whenever he would go back he would sit there and absentmindedly run his fingers over the rough carving. A few months before he left Agrabah completely and headed to center of Auradon with Evie after she landed a place on Project Runway, he had heard that the park was to be taken down and made over.

So one night he returned to the park and with a small saw his foster dad used to use to cut down overhanging branches, sawed off the panel of the bench holding the carved words and took it home. 

He has been holding the piece of wood in his hands all morning and comparing it to the note Carlos left him.

He can't really tell if the writing's the same. Writing something by hand and carving words into a bench don't make for an easy match on comparison. But there are enough similarities that it's kept the smile from leaving Jay's face as he takes the elevator down to his studio to begin work for the day.

* * *

"So?" Evie says, eyebrows raised.

Jay looks up at her kinda confused. He is in his office editing photos and replying to emails when Evie had walked in.

"So what?" he asks.

"Soo, what's put you in a good mood? You have been all doom and gloom for the past few weeks and now you're sitting here smiling at your computer screen like a maniac. Did that project you've been all hush hush about finally start going well?" she asks.

Evie must be on her break. She spends most of her time in _Evie's 4 Hearts_ in the back room working on the next fashion line Ben and her are collaborating on, occasionally walking around the store floor helping people find what she knows would suit their needs.

"Yeah.... about that. The project I was working on wasn't really a project per se. And it wasn't really work related... at all," he says sheepishly.

He hadn't really wanted to tell people what he had been up to. He wasn't sure it would go anywhere and he didn't want to worry Evie. She is aware that Carlos de Vil can be a sore subject for him.

"No kidding," Evie snorts. "Usually you can't shut up about whatever photo ideas you have come up with for E4H or Beast B's. I figured it must be unrelated."

Jay glowers slightly. He is not that obnoxious. He doesn't answer her and instead just hands over the piece of paper he had propped up next to his computer to stare at intermediately while working.

"Thanks, J," she reads aloud. "Who is thanking you? And for what?" she says looking puzzled.

"Carlos de Vil, for lending him my coat," Jay answers.

Evie stares at him wide-eyed and Jay begins to nervously chew on his bottom lip. He doesn't know why he is nervous to hear her response. Evie knows all about Carlos. She was the first real friend he made after Carlos disappeared and she never once complained when he would talk non-stop about him on the days he was really missing him. Not to mention that she definetely heard something about a famous fashion designer, Cruella de Vil, who had died from heroine overdose and abandoned her only child that noone knew even existed until now. 

"Carlos de Vil?" she asks. 

Jay nods. 

"**_The_** Carlos de Vil?" she says slowly.

"Yes," Jay replies.

"Carlos de Vil from the Isle? From when you were a kid? That Carlos de Vil?" she asks again.

"Oh my god, yes! Carlos de Vil. **_That_** Carlos de Vil. Carlos de Vil from the Isle," he says, slightly exasperated. 

"How?" she asks quietly.

"It's a long story. No, wait, actually, not really. I heard someone mention a de Vil when I was downtown on a shoot. No one would really tell me anything when I asked about him but from what they said, it implied he was working the streets. So I went searching some of the downtown spots for him and-" 

He is cut off.

"You **what**? That's what you've been doing at night? Cruising for hookers? Jay!" she says incredulously.

"Well. Yeah. But only so I could find him," he answers lamely.

She shakes her head. 

"I cannot believe you right now. That is so dangerous, Jay. What if you got mugged or something? That is not a safe area. Were you walking around with that expensive watch just shining on your wrist? Wallet in hand? It's like you were asking for someone to rob you. You are so reckless!" Evie scolds.

Jay shifts uncomfortably. That wasn't exactly what he was doing, but close. This is also why he didn't tell anyone what he had been up to these past couple of weeks. He knew it wouldn't go down well. They'd have probably insisted he take Ben or their at least Doug with him in case something happened. But he knew if he had of turned up with a crowd, Carlos would have never talked with him. Carlos was always anxious around strangers when they were little. It had to be just him.

"Look, E, I'm sorry for not telling you, I just had to do it on my own. I barely got out of the car most of the time anyway. I mean, I wasn't even sure if it was him they were talking about or if I had understood what they said properly. The whole thing was just one big shot in the dark," Jay says, tone apologetic as he looks up at his closest friend.

"But you found him," she says.

The smile that has been occupying Jay's face all day returns.

"I did."

* * *

Carlos de Vil is stood leaning against a lamppost, smoking a cigarette and watching for any cars that slow down on approach. He's wearing a plain white t-shirt with a collar and a pair of black skinny jeans. On his feet are a black pair of knock-off vans that have seen better days. He is shivering in the night air but determined to stay out, all he needs to do is capture someone's interest and the night will finally begin. Unknown to him though, he already has.

On the opposite side of the street and much further down, Jay is sitting in his car. After a long talk with Evie in which he revealed everything that has happened up to that point in time, she had asked him what his next move would be. His reply had simply been to go back out there and find him again and so that's what he's doing. She had also wanted to know what his endgame was, what was he hoping to achieve by bringing Carlos home with him of a night.

He didn't have an answer for her. He knew he wanted to get Carlos off the streets, but he didn't really have any sort of long-term plan to make that happen. And he also didn't have Carlos on board with, well, anything really. He seemed reluctant to be in his company, not that this has discouraged Jay in the slightest. 

Jay watches as Carlos' attention is drawn by something to his left and sees it's someone approaching him. He's half out of the car and ready to run down the street when he recognizes the person. It's the dragon girl. He sees her hand Carlos a Starbucks cup and they exchange a few words before she continues on her way. Jay smiles, he's not the only one looking out for Carlos.

He slowly makes his way over to him, watching how Carlos cups the hot beverage between his hands, clearly cold and attempting to get warmer. Jay comes to stand next to him and leans against the other side of the lamppost.

"What are you doing here?" Carlos asks, glaring at him.

"You forgot your coat," Jay says simply and Carlos glances down to notice the piece of clothing tucked under his arm.

"It's not my coat, it's your coat," Carlos says.

"I told you last night it was yours now," Jay replies.

"I can't keep that. It costs more than my rent! Look, what are you doing here? You can't just keep showing up like this," Carlos complains.

"Why not?" Jay asks.

"Because men won't approach me if you're here. No cars are going to slow down when they see I'm standing with a fucking Beast B's model, I-"

"Hey, I did a shoot for them! Remember when I told you about Ben and Evie?" Jay cuts in casually. "Well, Ben is actually-"

"Oh my god! You can't be here! You're scaring away my customers," Carlos says in frustration.

Jay lifts his head and puffs out his chest a little, glaring at people as they walk past. Carlos rolls his eyes as he realizes that his words are having the opposite effect of what he was going for.

"Jay. Stop," he says sternly.

"No. Come home with me," Jay says instead.

"You can't keep doing this," Carlos says, turning to face him.

"Yes, I can," Jay replies.

"You're just going to do this every night, aren't you? Pay 250 dollars just for me to sleep at your loft?" Carlos says, raising an eyebrow.

"You said time is money," Jay shrugs.

"I don't even do anything!" Carlos says, voice getting louder.

"And I don't care," Jay answers.

"But I do!" he yells. "I am not some charity case!"

"So then just come back with me. No money involved," Jay says.

"You know I can't do that. I need to make money, Jay. You don't get it. I've gone days without eating to pay rent and I've gone weeks late on rent so I can eat. I can't afford to just have sleepovers whenever I want," he says, frustration still clearly evident in his voice.

Jay is aware that if he were to ask Carlos about perhaps spending some time together during the day, that money really could be taken out of the equation. But selfishly he knows he is doing it this way to keep Carlos from spending his nights working the streets.

"Okay, so 250 was it?" he asks, ignoring the fact Carlos is clearly annoyed.

"We are not doing this," Carlos says flatly.

"We'll say 300, but this time you have to stay and have coffee with me in the morning," Jay says, moving to stand in front of Carlos.

"No."

"Yes," Jay says. "Now come on. I'm getting cold." 

He reaches over and tugs on Carlos' wrist, pulling him in the direction of his car. The boy groans loudly, rolling his eyes, but begrudgingly trudges along behind him all the same.

* * *

They go through the same routine as they did the night before. Jay, who has the money prepared this time, hands over the cash as they sit in the car and Carlos again doesn't look him in the eye as he does so. Before they drive off, Jay places the coat he had been carrying on Carlos' lap without a word and Carlos rolls his eyes for the third time that night at the taller boy.

Their time together is again spent in relative silence. As they enter the loft, Jay makes for the kitchen, grabbing himself a glass of water and offering Carlos the same. He again declines, standing opposite him with his arms crossed over his chest, still very much annoyed.

"I don't know why you're so surprised. What did you think I was going to do when I woke up not to find you here? Just forget all about it?" Jay says with a shadow of smile on his face. 

"A girl can dream," Carlos replies sarcastically, even though Jay's right, he knew it wouldn't be the last time he would see him.

Jay chuckles as Carlos huffs and plays with his fingers, unable to keep himself still. Jay wants him to be comfortable here, look at this place as a second home. They have a long way to go.

"What is that?" Carlos says, a slightly alarmed edge to his voice.

Jay looks at where his attention is focused and sees Carlos has spotted Dude curled up on the couch. Last night when Carlos had been here, Dude already asleep on his little bed Jay's room. So they had yet to meet.

"That's Dude, my dog," Jay says grinning. 

He is fully aware that getting a dog was something they had talked about doing when they were little.

Carlos slowly makes his way over to where Dude is sleeping and sits on the couch next to him softly. Jay watches quietly as the young boy, in complete awe, reaches out a hand and gently runs a finger down the dog's side. Dude shifts and lifts his head yawning, before standing and climbing into Carlos' lap. Carlos smiles and strokes his head, scratching behind his ears.

"You got a dog?" he asks in disbelief, looking over at Jay.

Jay nods and says as if it were a given. 

"We always said we would."

Jay eventually turns the TV on and sits down on the couch himself, making sure to leave a comfortable distance between Carlos and him. There is some bird documentary on that he is barely paying attention to, finding the enamored boy cooing and playing with his dog far more entertaining.

Too soon though he finds he is falling asleep. He wants to stay awake and just watch Carlos for hours on end, but even Dude has curled up, ready for bed. He eventually stands, stretches and takes his glass back over to the kitchen, putting it in the sink.

"I don't know about you, but I am exhausted. If you want you can stay up or take Dude into your room to sleep. He has a bed in mine, but half the time he winds up on my bed so he won't mind," he says, amused at how Carlos still hasn't taken his eyes off of the dog in his lap.

"Yeah," Carlos says absentmindedly, curling his hands around the small animal and lifting him to his chest as he stands.

They both walk down the hallway, Jay to his room, Carlos into the spare room.

"Goodnight 'Los," Jay calls out before entering.

"Goodnight Jay," Carlos says back, looking away from Dude for the first time since he got him in his arms.

Jay wakes in the morning to find his loft empty again, but this time the coat is missing and there is a steaming hot cup of coffee sitting on his bedside table.


	5. [desperate times]

"So let me get this straight," Ben says, trying to wrap his head around what Jay has just told him. "An old friend of yours that disappeared when you were twelve, you have found nine years later in the same city, working the streets. And in order to stop him from doing so, you are paying him to stay with you. That is what you are telling me?"

Evie, Lonnie and Ben are in his office right now, staring down at him from where he sits in his chair. Evie insisted he tell her what happened last night and so he had no choice but to fill Ben and Lonnie in on what was going on. They would have found out eventually anyway. Lonnie has a way of getting people to open up to her and while technically she works as store manager for her oldest friend, Ben, in _Beast B's_, she is always fluttering about between floors getting in everyone's business. And if Lonnie knows something, Ben knows. So it was inevitable really.

"When you say it like that it sounds so... _shady_," Jay says, cringing. "But it's not like I'm paying him to sleep with me. Just to have a warm bed at night. I couldn't just leave him out there."

"We know you wouldn't take advantage of someone like that, Jay. But it's still a weird situation," Evie says softly. 

"Well, what else was I suppose to do? He wouldn't come with me and I couldn't just walk away," Jay answers, frustrated.

"From the sounds of it though, he's been out there for a long time, Jay. He probably knows how to handle himself better than you do. And you can't just come along and expect him to want to be your friend again, to just allow you to change and control things for him. Especially if he doesn't want you to," Evie says gently.

"He's just a bit guarded at the moment. It's been a long time. What do you want me to do? Just not try? Give up?"

Jay feels like they're ganging up on him. None of them seemed very impressed with what he's told them has been happening.

"That's not what we're saying, Jay," Lonnie begins. "You said it yourself, it's been a long time and people change. I mean, he's running before you even get up in the morning, he doesn't want to be here and you might just have to accept that. Have you even thought about what's going to happen if you keep paying him money like this? He's going to think he owes you something, that he's in your debt. It's not really healthy, Jay." 

Lonnie is being less gentle than Ben and Evie, but she's worried. She knows by now how much Carlos means to him and she doesn't want him to get his hopes up if it turns out Carlos is not the same boy he used to be.

"What? He doesn't owe me anything! I am not just leaving him to have to fuck random strangers to survive! I refuse to let that be his life!" Jay says, raising his voice.

"Jay," Evie says, "we get that you have to try, but you need to be careful. We're just concerned you're not thinking about this realistically," Evie finishes in a voice attempting to calm him.

Jay stands up. He needs some air.

"Look, I know you guys are just looking out for me and I love you for that, but I can take care of this myself. Really," he says, leaving the room without waiting for a response. 

He needs to get away from everyone and their concerned looks. No one gets it. Jay would do whatever, pay whatever, and give up whatever if he knew it would help Carlos. He understands that paying someone he hasn't seen in years to stay at his loft at night is a precarious situation. But _it's Carlos_. And in Jay's mind, that's all the explanation needed.

He feels bad for snapping at his friends like that though. He really shouldn't. The three of them are the only family he has left and he owes a lot to all of them. 

It hadn't been an accident when Jay had referred to his foster parents as his actual parents when he was with Carlos the other night. He really felt like they were his family, and they came into his life around the same time Carlos went missing. Without them there to support him through it, he probably wouldn't have survived.

They were also the ones that led him to Evie. They enrolled him in Auradon Prep, which wasn't even pretty close to his home in Agrabah, but it was a vast improvement from the public school located in the same area as the Isle, Dragon Hall, where Carlos and he had attended on and off throughout their years in the system. They were sent there only because it was close to the group home but everyone knew that they were foster kids. They both hated it.

At Auradon Prep he was only known as George and Mary Tull's grandson. The Tulls were quite old when they adopted Jay, so everyone just assumed that he lived with his grandparents. It was at this school that he'd meet Evie. They became friends quite quickly, and with Jay already having a passion for photography, and Evie already beginning to design her own clothes, it was natural that he would start photographing her designs.

It was his photographs that they submitted and sent off to Project Runway that got Evie through. When she won, she moved away from the where she lived to this time to the center of Auradon, and asked Jay to move with her. His foster mother had passed from cancer when Jay was sixteen and father from heart disease two years later, leaving a devastated Jay on his own again. And so it was at eighteen he ran away, having nothing left keeping him in Agrabah, long given up on finding his lost childhood friend.

Things would get better though. Evie would meet Ben - son of a famous movie star - during the competition and a new friendship would begin to bloom. Jay, who supported her throughout the entire thing couldn't help but love the man also, despite still wanting Evie to win. They were close throughout the whole competition and had even began to spin some ideas together about their own side project.

Evie eventually took home the title, with Ben runners-up. He wasn't upset about losing to her, just as she wouldn't have been upset if it were the other way around. Soon after that Ben would find the old building and they would begin to make their dreams a reality. Ben was living with his old friend Lonnie, and Evie had just moved into an apartment with her boyfriend Doug. So when Jay approached them about the top floor becoming his loft, no one took issue. After all, he became their resident, go-to photographer for whenever they needed new shots to advertise their new designs.

Jay also began to attract his own attention. He got his big break when Audrey Rose, a teenage movie star who was a fan of Evie's, did a shoot with him for _Evie's 4 Hearts_. After that it had started as odd jobs for different magazines, but eventually he was taking photos for the most famous people in this area. Since then he's had a comfortable, steady stream of loyal clients and business deals. Though his loyalties lie with Evie and Ben, and if they need him, then they come first.

At the moment he is trying to set-up a very special shoot for them. Their side project has finally come to fruition. Together, Evie and Ben have created a special collection that will be available only in _Evie's 4 Hearts _and _Beast B's_, known as _Bevie_. It's a homage to the collective name they were given on Project Runway, when fans took notice of how well they worked together and got along.

The new clothing line consists of more androgynous wear for boys and girls. It moves away from the gender barriers of what people are expected to wear and is tailored to work with both slight and fuller body types. The upcoming release of the new line is what has Ben and Evie living in the back rooms of their stores, working on getting everything together by the deadline they have set for themselves.

Jay just hopes he can pull himself together to get everything sorted on his end, he has been quite distracted lately.

* * *

Carlos is currently walking down the street with two garbage bags in hand, full of all his earthly possessions. It's similar to how it used to be in foster care, having someone pack what you own into garbage bags like rubbish before sending you off to live with strangers. With Jay's recent appearance in his life, things are really coming full circle.

Carlos had left Jay's early that morning to return to his own apartment. It was tiny, with almost no furniture, just a bed that sat in the corner, but it was his own. He had walked into the building to find his landlord waiting for him. He was over a month late on rent again and had been dreading coming home for this exact reason. But at least he had the money to pay it now.

His landlord would make sure to get the money from him, with interest, before handing him the garbage bags full of his things and informing him he'd been evicted. He knows it had probably been the hundredth time he was late on rent, but he is sure he is supposed to get some sort of eviction notice before being kicked out. Carlos would argue, if he thought it would help him at all. Even if he tried to escalate things, the authorities have never been much help for people like him.

So here he is, walking to Mal's house to ask if he can keep his things in the shed in her backyard. At least until he can figure something out.

Carlos walks into the front yard of the residence and around the side of the house. He is here often and Mal's foster mom, Ursula, takes very little notice of when he comes and goes, mostly just insisting on 'fattening him up' whenever she sees him and filling him with her famous spaghetti.

He walks into the backyard and into the shed that sits against the fence. The shed is covered in Mal's art; the girl uses spray paint to create murals on the outside and has different art pieces on the inside. Every time Carlos comes over though it's different. She is always changing her mind and thinking of something new and re-doing the whole thing. Or she's out in some alleyway doing it there.

When Carlos enters he sees Mal, dressed only in grey sweatpants and a green sports bra, asleep on the couch that sits in the corner. So he plants himself on Mal's stool and wheels himself around looking at the different pieces she is working on. He gently runs a finger down one of the colored walls, inspecting it after to see if the paint is dry.

"Stop messing up my work," Carlos hears mumbled from the corner of the room.

He smiles and turns towards the sleepy face of his friend.

"It's dry and you know it. And besides, this will probably last a week before you paint right over it again," Carlos says, scooting closer to her.

Mal huffs and stands up, indicating for Carlos to get off her stool. Carlos does and plonks himself straight onto the couch. He stretches out and gets himself comfortable, watching as Mal grabs one of her cans, shakes it, and just gets straight back to painting.

"Why are you here so early? Bad night?" Mal asks without looking away from what she is creating.

"No. I actually had a good night's sleep," Carlos answers, staring up at the ceiling. Mal has sprayed this intricate galaxy pattern that swirls above him.

"Really? How'd that happen?" Mal asks.

"You remember that guy you said was asking about me at Ursula's?" Carlos says, looking back over to Mal.

"Yeah," Mal says slowly.

"Well, he found me," Carlos answers.

"If he's giving you trouble you let me know," Mal says seriously, pausing what she's doing for a second to give Carlos her full attention.

"No, no. He's fine. But there is something else you could help me with," Carlos says, giving her a smile.

Mal just raises an eyebrow.

"I got kicked out of my place and I was hoping I could leave my stuff in here until I find another," Carlos says hopeful.

Mal looks on the ground where the two garbage bags sit, only now just noticing them.

"Yeah, I don't mind. But where are you going to stay? You know I would offer here, but Uma's aunt and some cousins are coming to stay for a while and we're going to have a full house. And you know how stressed Ursula gets when relatives visit," Mal explains.

Carlos snickers. "Yeah, I know. It's cool, though. I was just going to ask Harry," Carlos answers, not looking at Mal.

"Harry? Really? But I thought you said you were done with him?" Mal asks with worried expression and something that looks quite like fear in her green eyes. She looks away.

"Yeah well, desperate times," Carlos says casually, standing up.

"Wait, Uma told me to give you this. It's that salty chocolate stuff you like. She also told me that you're the only one who ever buys it, and by that she probably meant you owe her something," Mal says while reaching into her worn out backpack sitting among her spray cans.

Carlos chuckles and opens the chocolate bar, offering it to Mal.

* * *

Too soon it's night and Carlos finds himself back on the streets, looking for anyone interested in some company. Earlier in the day he had managed to find Harry and organize to stay at his place until he can find some other crappy and dirt-cheap apartment to rent.

Harry works as a bartender at one of the strip clubs (that his father owns, by the way, and Carlos has no idea how a man known as '_Captain Hook_', one of the most respected drug dealers on the Isle ended up here, in the center of Auradon, but he doesn't complain) along the stretch in which Carlos tends to work. He used to crash at Harry's sometimes when they would hook-up.

Carlos wouldn't say they are friends exactly. And he certainly wouldn't say that they were ever romantically involved. Harry just used to finish working his shift around the same time Carlos would be getting ready to close business for the night. And if Carlos was late on his rent and avoiding his landlord, he would end up back at his.

It was never said out loud that what they had was an arrangement of sorts, that they'd fuck and Carlos would get a place to recover from his busy night. But that is basically what it was. Harry never just invited Carlos over to hang out and Carlos never stayed unless he needed to. Not that Carlos hadn't been attracted to Harry at the time, just between Carlos' past and the line of profession he was in, he wasn't really that interested in a proper relationship.

He hadn't stayed at Harry's in a while though. He was a bit of a drinker and could get aggressive with Carlos. He didn't like it. He didn't like it _at all_. But as he said, desperate times, because there was no way he was going to consider any other option. He just couldn't.

And he is even more sure of that when he sees his other option walking toward him looking like he just stepped out of a magazine. Carlos doesn't understand why Jay takes photos of models when he could be one himself. Modelling the clothes seems like it would be much more fun.

"So, you left. Again," Jay says as he comes to stand next to him.

"I had things to do," Carlos answers carefully.

Jay makes him feel so on edge. Just knowing Jay knows what he is, what he is doing here, makes him want to disappear.

"I said you had to have coffee with me in the morning, not make me one and leave it in my room," Jay says, smiling over at him before continuing.

"Which is why I've decided I didn't get my money's worth and you need to come back and have that coffee with me tomorrow morning," he finishes, a joking tone to his voice.

Carlos takes a deep breath. He decided last night that that was the last time. Jay cannot be in his life anymore. He can't bear the way he looks at him, like he is still that small, innocent boy he once knew. There is nothing innocent about Carlos anymore, that was ruined years ago.

"No. I'm not coming," Carlos says evenly.

"What?" Jay says, not really expecting Carlos' answer.

"I'm not coming with you. Last night was the last time," Carlos says, forcing himself to keep looking up at Jay.

Jay opens his mouth as if to say something, before closing it again.

Carlos notices out of the corner of his eye that a car has pulled up to the curb and a middle-aged man is staring at him quite obviously through the window.

"You should go home, Jay," he says, before walking over to the car.

"Wait! No!" Jay yells. "Is it the money? Because I'm sorry if-"

Carlos cuts him off.

"Go home, Jay," Carlos repeats calmly. "It's cold."

With that, Carlos gets into the stranger's car and shuts the door behind him, refusing to look at Jay as the car drives away.


	6. [don't go]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> mentions of sexual situations and violence.
> 
> harry's got a motorcycle because of d3.

Carlos almost couldn't go through with it. He has done this for years and so is used to blocking it out and just getting on with things, but knowing _Jay_ is out there right now, aware of what he is doing at this very minute makes him feel sick. He can't help but wonder if Jay is picturing it, thinking about what he was unable to stop. Tears begin to form in the corner of Carlos' eyes. He had never wanted Jay to know in first place.

It's hardly his worst encounter, the man seemed timid and unsure of himself, a first timer if Carlos absolutely had to guess. And he had only wanted Carlos' mouth which he was grateful for. He didn't enjoy blowing strangers but at least he didn't have to bend over for someone while he was feeling so awful.

He wishes Jay never found him. Carlos' life had mostly been filled with unhappiness and fear, but he had reached a place where he felt he at least had some sense of stability and control. Maybe not physically, but certainly emotionally. He had been living on his own and working on the streets for a long time now, and he no longer felt scared and weak all the time. Granted those feelings had been replaced with an emptiness that he could never quite shift, but did aid him in situations where he needed to shut down emotionally. Which was most nights really.

While Carlos focuses on distancing himself from what he is doing, Jay is still standing on the same sidewalk, quickly pacing back and forth and slowly losing his mind. He is roughly running his hands through his long hair, constantly scanning the streets as if Carlos will of a sudden appear again, safe and without company. The more he paces, the more he worries, and the more he worries, the angrier he gets.

Would Carlos really rather fuck some stranger than stay with Jay? Has Jay really changed that much that Carlos can't stand the sight of him? Is there really nothing left of the friendship they once had? Or maybe Jay has had it wrong this entire time. Maybe Carlos and he were never as close as he thought they were and when Carlos disappeared all those years ago, it was simply because he just didn't care about him anymore. Jay can feel his blood pumping through his veins, he is so angry. It's bubbling under the surface and he is struggling to keep a calm exterior as he stalks back and forth along the street.

* * *

Between the time it took to drive somewhere that was isolated enough for Carlos to get the job done, and then be dropped back off to his main stretch, it had been about an hour. Carlos had earned himself a 30, not as impressive as his previous night's work, but then those nights weren't exactly normal circumstances. And also didn't involve any '_work_'.

He is out of the car, combing his messy hair back into place with his fingers as he trudges back to the sidewalk, when he notices someone tall barreling towards him. He thought it was bad having Jay see him leave with someone, but seeing him afterward and knowing they both know what has just happened is much worse.

Carlos self-consciously touches his mouth, as if Jay would be able to tell what he had just been doing with it. Not that there was any possible way, but he can't help the way he nervously drags his fingers across his lips as he watches Jay's furious approach.

When he comes to a stop in front of him, Carlos can't look at him. His shoulders are slightly hunched and he keeps his hand slightly covering his mouth.

"So? Was it worth it?" Jay asks, his breath hitching as he speaks.

Carlos swallows as he glances up at him, noticing the way the tendons in his neck stand out against the pale skin of his throat.

"What are you still doing here?" Carlos mumbles.

"_What am I still doing here?_" Jay asks, slightly hysterical. "I don't even know. I mean, you sure as hell don't want me around, do you?" he says, voice getting louder.

"Stop," Carlos warns quietly.

"Well it's true, isn't it? You'd rather go off and fuck strangers than god forbid spend any more time with me," says Jay sarcastically.

"Shut the fuck up," Carlos hisses. "Listen up, I don't know what kind of reunion you were hoping for but I need you to get something through that big, stupid head of yours. This is who I am now. This is who I have been for years. And I have managed to do just fine without you, so you need to back off." 

Carlos punctuates the '_back_' and '_off_' with two stabbing fingers to Jay's chest.

"Oh, really? This is '_you doing just fine_'?" Jay asks, gesturing to where they are. "Because having sex for money isn't really what I'd classify as _just fine_. I mean, how much did that guy pay you? How many more guys will it be tonight? There is no fucking way that you're doing just fine when-"

"Shut up, just shut up!" Carlos yells, the dam of emotions he was holding back, flooding over as he practically screams at Jay.

"Don't you see?" he says desperately, "you're ruining everything!" His voice is breaking and he knows the tears will come soon.

He backs away from Jay as he gulps for air, trying to hold back the sobs. He turns away from him and starts to quickly walk away, not wanting to have to stare up at his face any longer. A hand wrapping around his wrist stops him and he is turning around to tell Jay to let him go when another body comes crashing into the taller man, slamming him up against the wall of the building they're standing in front of.

"Get the fuck off him," A rough voice says and Carlos begins to panic. He recognizes this thick accent. Then he realizes that it's, in fact, Harry who has got Jay pinned against the brick wall, pressing a forearm over his throat.

"Harry, stop!" Carlos says, reaching for his shoulder to try and pull him off. "He wasn't hurting me, everything's fine!" he pleads.

"Go wait for me by my bike, pup, your new friend and I are going to have a little chat," Harry says to Carlos, staring into Jay's face who is struggling to breathe.

"No, let him go, please!" Carlos says anxiously, forcing himself between the two men, placing his hands on Harry's chest and coaxing him backwards.

Harry hesitates for a moment, staring down at Carlos, before his eyes flicker to Jay's again. Harry keeps the steady pressure of his palms against his chest, until he finally takes a step back from Carlos and Jay who is still crowded against the wall.

"He's fine. It's fine," Carlos says, keeping his hands up between them in order to keep Harry at bay, he refuses to move until he knows for sure he won't change his mind and do something stupid.

Harry glares at Jay over his shoulder for a moment longer, before finally looking away and gesturing at Carlos. 

"Come on, we're leaving," he turns and begins to walk away.

Carlos lets out a shaky breath and can feel Jay do the same from where his chest is pressed up against his back. He takes a second to revel in the warmth he can feel radiating from Jay's body, before pulling away from him and slowly turning around to look up at him.

Jay looks at him sadly, back still pressed against the wall, defeated.

"No, don't go," he whispers, shaking his head faintly.

Carlos lowers his gaze and shakes his own head, he has made his decision. He turns to follow Harry, feeling his heart ache in his chest.

* * *

Ben is working quietly in the backroom of _Beast B's_. He often works into the night, finding he does his best work when no one else is around. Not that he doesn't appreciate his colleagues who help him to create his designs, he couldn't do it without them, the solitude just sometimes helps him think better. He is in the middle of putting a new design together, when a deflated looking Jay walks in and sits down in one of the free chairs across from where he stands. He doesn't look over at Ben, just stares at the wall in front of him, regret and sadness painting his features.

Ben waits and continues placing pins in his latest creation, knowing Jay will start to speak when he is ready. It doesn't take long.

"So, I should have listened to you guys. I pushed too hard. And now he hates me," Jay says, sounding completely miserable.

Ben doesn't answer, just waits for him to continue.

"I shouldn't have gotten angry with him. I was just _so worried_," Jay's voice is breaking, he's close to tears.

"I wasn't even angry at him. I was just angry at the situation and that I couldn't do anything to help," Jay says, covering his face with his hands and wiping away the tears that have escaped his eyes.

"Jay, you know we only said those things because we were worried about you. We weren't trying to make you feel like we were against you. We're always on your side," Ben says gently.

"I know. It's just- he was my best friend. And I want him back. And I want him safe. And-" Jay stops mid-sentence to take in a shaky, watery breath.

"Those are very nice things to want for someone, Jay. And I'm not going to stop you from doing whatever it is you need to do. But I am going to say two things and I want you to really think about them when I'm done," Ben says.

Jay takes another deep breath, seemingly a lot calmer and gives Ben his full attention.

"Firstly, you need to be careful about paying him to stay with you."

Jay opens his mouth as if to argue.

"No, just listen," Ben says. "I think this is what Lonnie was trying to say to you earlier. By giving him money, whether you mean to or not, you are creating an imbalance in the friendship. And if you truly want it to become a friendship again, you need to be aware of that. Remember when you talked to me about how you felt when Evie put all her money toward getting this place started? How you felt like you could never repay her?"

"Yes, but we ended up going through with it in the end," Jay answers.

"That's only because we all had faith that this would work and we could eventually pay her back for what she did for us. How do you expect Carlos to pay you back, Jay? You and I both know that there is no way," Ben says, his serious voice keeping Jay from arguing.

"Fine. But you said you wanted to say two things, so what's the second?" Jay asks, grumbling slightly.

"The second and probably the most important, is I know you want to help Carlos and get him off the streets, but you have to be aware of the fact that Carlos might not want the same thing. And you're going to have to respect that if you are intent on keeping him in your life," Ben states, giving Jay a meaningful look as he screws up his face at the very idea of leaving Carlos on the streets.

"And," Ben continues, "even if he does want to get off the streets, he may not necessarily want your help in doing so. He has had to rely on himself for a very long time now. You have to remember that you have missed out on nine years of Carlos' life and he may not be willing to allow you back into it yet. You're in a complicated situation, someone could end up getting really hurt, and it might not even be you."

Jay doesn't answer Ben. Just goes back to staring blankly at the wall, contemplating what has just been said to him. Ben doesn't seem to mind, returning to his dress mannequin and adjusting sleeve lengths on his half put together jacket.

Jay knows Ben is right, he has to be careful. He can't force himself back into Carlos' life if he isn't ready. And he can't force Carlos to do anything he doesn't want. He just can't imagine that Carlos would be happy with this life, happy to be selling himself to strangers.

He shouldn't have yelled at him. He had been trying so hard not to scare Carlos off and he basically nearly got himself beat up from screaming at him.Â He still hasn't been able to ask Carlos what happened all those years ago, what caused him to disappear. A part of him is scared of the answer, but he knows he can't tip toe around it forever. After what happened though, he may never get the chance to ask.

* * *

Somewhere across town, Carlos' hips are pinned against a counter, while Harry presses his own into him from behind. He is placing lazy kisses on his neck and Carlos is still undecided about whether he is into it or not.

Walking back to Harry's motorcycle with him earlier, he had worked out quite quickly that after his shift had ended early, he had started drinking. Despite not having an actual license, Carlos had insisted on driving back to Harry's house himself, not quite trusting the inebriated man.

Carlos had been terrified when he saw it was Harry who had grabbed Jay, aware of how aggressive the Hook could be. He didn't want a fight to break out, he didn't want Jay getting hurt over him. Harry is shorter than Jay, with messy brown hair and stormy blue eyes, but he is stockier, and he knows how to use his body. He is just glad that Harry was with it enough to listen to Carlos when he asked him to let Jay go.

"So who was that guy back there, another unsatisfied customer?" Harry asks, pressing his hips into Carlos' ass.

Carlos shakes his head, feeling uncomfortable.

"Did you fuck him though?" Harry grabs onto his hips and spins Carlos around so they're facing each other, immediately going for his collarbones.

"No. It's not like that," Carlos answers quietly, turning his face away. Not so Harry can have better access to his throat, just so he doesn't have to look at him.

"Really? Because I think he was totally your type," he says against Carlos' neck.

"I don't have '_a type_', Harry," Carlos tells him for hundredth time, closing his eyes to escape Harry's lustful gaze. "And you know it."

"Yeah? Then what am I, puppy?" Harry asks with perfectly faked hurt expression. He looks almost like he cares. "Isn't '_big dick_' your type anymore?"

Carlos can't bear it anymore. He is still so wound up from his fight with Jay and he can't stand hearing someone talk to him like that. He stands up straight and pushes Harry away from him.

"Okay, that's it. You have to stop," he says, annoyed.

Harry doesn't take the hint.

"What? No, come on," he says, reaching for Carlos again and pressing himself back into him.

"Stop!" Carlos says shoving him away roughly, rougher than he usually would with the man in front of him.

The shove earns him a backhand across the face. Carlos tastes the blood before he registers the pain.


	7. [there is someone]

Carlos is sitting back where he had started yesterday morning, on Mal's small couch in the back shed. The difference this time however, is he is sporting a busted bottom lip and a darkening purple bruise along the right side of his jaw.

Harry had apologized immediately after the hit had taken place, feeding him a feeble excuse about being drunk and that Carlos should know how he gets. But Carlos had simply walked out, no real destination in mind, ending up at Mal's without even really thinking about it, and winding up camping out on the couch. Mal had walked in early that morning to find him sleeping, and not wanting to disturb her battered looking friend, she had quietly started painting without a word.

Upon waking, Carlos lets out a small groan, looking over to Mal who gives him a look that says it all.

"I know," Carlos says, before she can say anything.

"Can we just agree, no more Harry?" Mal simply asks.

Carlos nods his head solemnly, grateful Mal is not going to lecture him.

He already knows what she is going to say. Harry has shoved him around and given him a few smacks to the face before, usually not enough to draw blood, but this definitely isn't the first bruise the man has left on Carlos' skin. He shouldn't have asked to stay with him. Carlos knows better, he does. He just hadn't seen an alternative at the time.

"Where are you going to stay? You can use the couch if you really need to, but it's getting really cold out here. It was freezing last night too, you should have come in and woken me," Mal says.

Carlos shakes his head at his friend. "I was fine, I've slept in worse places," he chuckles, but Mal doesn't join in, giving him a grave look.

Carlos sighs heavily and starts reassuring her. "I'll work it out, I promise. Besides, Uma's aunt is going to be here soon. You'll probably want the couch for yourself to get away from her family."

"What about Gil? Have you asked if you can stay with him?" Mal presses, ignoring Carlos' continued attempts to make light of the situation.

"No, I wouldn't do that to him," he answers, shaking his head again. "He'd probably worry worse than Ursula with the hours I keep. And... and you know his father," he adds quietly, looking away from the purple haired girl.

"Yeah."

Mal focuses her attention back on coloring the walls with a new portrait piece of a very, very beautiful blue haired girl, with full red lips and big brown eyes. He wonders, is she real? Or did Mal come up with this idea of this look by herself? Is she Mal's friend? He can swear he saw this face somewhere before. He looks closer for he details of the picture, but it's still unfinished. He wonders-

"You better make sure Ursula doesn't see you. She'll go looking for Harry herself," Mal smiles for the first time since Carlos has woken.

"I don't doubt it," he says, returning the smile.

"Seriously though Carlos, is there someone you can call?" Mal asks.

"There is someone," he answers quietly.

* * *

After changing his clothes, leaving Mal's and catching a bus from downtown, Carlos finds himself standing out the front of Jay's building. He doesn't know what he's doing here.

The building looks more impressive in the light of day then it does when he had seen it at night. On the front, arranged on top of each other in the order of floor location and made of polished mirror-reflective lettering, are the names of each business contained within. _Evie's 4 Hearts_ shop is at the very bottom, written in a pretty cursive, sitting underneath the more graffiti styled _Beast B's_. Above them both sits the words _Cobra Studios_, the mere sight of the name causes Carlos to cringe, reminding him just how bad of an idea this is.

He manages to make it inside and over to the elevators. He doesn't know the passcode up to Jay's loft, but he is sure if he were to take it up to his studio, he would find the man there. He stares at the 'up' button that signals the elevator, hesitating to press it, when all of a sudden he shakes his head and turns around, changing his mind and deciding he can't go through with it. He doesn't even know why he came here in the first place, the whole thing is stupid. He is heading back over towards the exit when he hears his name being called, stopping him mid-step.

"Carlos?"

He follows the voice and finds himself staring at very, very beautiful blue haired girl, with full red lips and big brown eyes. She has her wavy hair tied up in a high ponytail and a pair of high heels on that look as if they could puncture something if she were to step on you. He recognizes her. Kinda.

"Thought so. He's described you in enough detail, I'd be more surprised if I couldn't pick it," she says smiling.

Carlos just furrows his brow, still unsure who he is looking at.

"I'm Evie," she says quickly, realizing his confusion. "He said he mentioned me?"

Carlos nods slowly in realization. "Yeah, he did. Uhm. Hi," he says, feeling uncomfortable, he needs to get out of here as soon as possible.

Evie watches him for a few seconds in silence before continuing.

"Well," she says, letting out a heavy exhale, "you better come in."

With that she turns on the spot and heads into _Evie's 4 Hearts_ and Carlos reluctantly follows her into the backroom.

"You guys can take an early break," she says upon entering.

There is a team of people currently occupying the room and working away. There are about six of them, some with measuring tapes, some handling different fabrics, and others going over sketches of different designs. They immediately set their things down in response to Evie's words and begin to head out, and Carlos tries to keep his head down and face hidden.

"You too, Doug!" she says, and Carlos spots a single person that had stayed at their seat - Doug. He has glasses on and writes something in a big notebook. He looks up when Evie mentions his name.

The boy stands up, says something quietly to himself, and - giving Evie a kiss on her cheek - leaves, still writing something in his notebook.

When everyone's finally gone he looks back up at Evie who just shrugs, "It takes a village and all that," she says offhandedly, gesturing in the direction of her ebbing staff. "Do you want a coffee?"

Carlos shakes his head. "No, that's fine, you don't have to-"

Evie cuts in. "Please, there is a coffee machine in the corner over there!" she says, pointing. "I literally press a few buttons and... magic, coffee!"

She is already walking over to the machine and grabbing a mug before Carlos is able to say anything more. So he just sits down on a chair that's been placed next to a mannequin wearing the beginnings of a red, peter pan collared dress.

He mumbles a _thank you_ when she eventually hands him the cup of fresh coffee, but soon is wincing and sucking in a sharp breath when the hot liquid touches the cut on his lip.

"Yeah, that looks pretty nasty," Evie says, tilting her head slightly. "We better get you a bit more cleaned up before he sees you."

Evie heads to the back of the room and goes through a door Carlos hadn't even noticed was there. He assumes it's a bathroom when he hears the sound of a tap being turned on and water hitting a sink. When Evie returns with a wet tissue in hand, she makes a beeline for Carlos. And before he can protest, she is angling his chin up with one hand and dabbing at the dry blood on his lip with the other.

Carlos keeps quiet despite the sting and lets Evie clean his face without complaint. It's not like he has split his entire lip open, he's just got a cut from where Harry's knuckles connected with his lip and teeth. The bruise and ache in his jaw probably hurt the most, that is when he isn't drinking coffee or allowing strangers to clean his wounds.

"There," Evie says, taking a step back and examining her work. She frowns, "He's going to freak out when he sees your face."

Carlos deflates. This was the worst idea ever.

"You stay here and drink your coffee," Evie says. "I'm going to call him down and give him the heads up on what he's about to walk into, but be warned, this is not going to be pretty."

She turns and exits the room and he can see her pulling her phone out of a pocket in her blue leather jacket as she goes, obviously preparing to call Jay. Carlos sits in silence and waits. And it's torture. He feels like he's waiting to be scolded, like when they were kids and would be returned to the group home after running away from another foster family. They used to be made to sit in the main office and wait for the head of staff to come in and yell at them. The waiting always made Carlos anxious, Jay was never too bothered.

These are very different circumstances though, and instead of Jay being by his side as they wait to be yelled at, Jay is the one who is going to be doing the yelling.

"Okay," Evie says with a grimace as she walks back in, "he's on his way down."

"That bad, huh?" Carlos asks.

Evie just offers him a sympathetic smile and paces slowly as they wait.

Jay was so angry last time they had seen each other, Carlos shouldn't have shown up here like this. He's only going to make it worse. He is not ready for this he thinks, as his heart thumps inside his chest. But the frantic sound of hurried footsteps coming in tells him it's too late.

"Oh my god!" Jay says as soon as his eyes land on Carlos.

"Jay. It's fine," Carlos says carefully.

"Oh my god!" he says again as he gets closer to him.

Once directly in front of him he makes a move as if to touch the damage on Carlos' face, before changing his mind and running his hand messily through his own hair.

"Oh my god!"

"Jay, you need to calm down," Evie says from behind him, watching as Jay gets increasingly more distressed the longer he looks at Carlos.

Before he can answer, or repeat another "oh my god", the sound of chatting voices floods through the room and they all look up to notice Evie's staff back from their break, completely unaware of what they are walking in on.

Evie looks at Jay and nods her head in the direction of the door. Jay immediately gets the hint.

"Come on," he says quietly to Carlos, walking them to the elevators.

They take Jay's private one with the passcode, so Carlos figures they're heading to his loft. Carlos is grateful for that. He didn't want anyone else seeing his face. Though he is dreading being alone with Jay. Especially now that the initial shock has worn off and Carlos is sporting a face like thunder.

When they reach the loft and exit the elevator into the main room, Jay doesn't say anything for a while. He just stands there and stares at Carlos. The tension is palpable, but Carlos just waits in silence.

"What happened?" Jay asks, his voice low and serious.

Carlos shrugs a shoulder nervously before answering. "I was kicked out of my apartment. So I asked Harry if I could stay with him. And we had a disagreement," he answers vaguely.

"You were kicked out of your apartment?" Jay asks, face blank.

"Yeah, I was evicted."

"And what?" Jay says, anger creeping into his voice. "You didn't think about maybe asking me for a place to stay?"

"I had stayed at Harry's before," Carlos says weakly.

"Right. Harry," Jay says sarcastically. "The same Harry that had me pinned by the throat last night? That Harry?"

Carlos doesn't answer.

"What kind of disagreement?" Jay asks, changing his line of questioning so quickly that it throws Carlos.

"What?" he asks confused.

"What happened exactly between you and Harry?" Jay says, enunciating each word slowly through gritted teeth.

Carlos can tell Jay is trying to keep his anger in check, but an outburst is sure to come soon. Carlos seems to be very good at bringing that side out in him. The side of Jay he had left behind a long time ago. The angry foster kid.

"That doesn't matter," Carlos says dismissively.

"It **_does_** matter."

"Why?" Carlos snaps in frustration.

"Because I want to know if you have broken fucking ribs or something that you're also not telling me about. For fucks sake! Why didn't you come to me?" Jay practically yells back.

"Stop acting like you have the right to be angry at me about this! It's been almost ten years, Jay. We-" Carlos says, gesturing angrily between the two of them with his hand, "are not best friends anymore! Okay? Stop acting like we are."

Jay lets out a shaky breath and slightly turns his body away from Carlos, covering his face with his hands. He mumbles a "fuck" under his breath and tilts his head back toward the ceiling, and it is then Carlos realizes he is crying. He watches as Jay keeps the heels of his palms pressed against his closed eyelids, frustrated with his own emotions.

Carlos quietly walks over to him until he is standing in front of the taller man and grabs both his wrists, pulling his hands away from his face.

"He got a little handsy. So I shoved him, he backhanded me, and then I left. No broken ribs. Nothing," Carlos says calmly, hoping Jay understands this insight as the peace offering it is.

Jay looks at him carefully and sniffs. "Show me," he says.

"Jay..." Carlos sighs.

But he just continues staring down at him, not trusting Carlos to tell him the truth. And right now Carlos would do anything to get him to stop crying, so letting out an even bigger sigh, he lifts his shirt for him.

Jay cranes his neck and looks over the expanse of Carlos' chest, ghosting his fingers over his ribs, finding no marks, only smooth skin and lots, lots of freckles.

"See? Nothing," Carlos says, dropping his shirt back down.

He gives Jay a small smile and reaches his hands up to his face, using the backs of his fingers to wipe away the tear tracks marring Jay's cheeks.

Jay grabs at Carlos' wrists this time and keeps them by his face, suspended in mid-air so Carlos can't back away from him.

"Why did you come here?" he asks quietly.

Carlos opens his mouth as if to say something, but just shakes his head and looks down. He doesn't even know the answer to that.

"You have to stay. Please stay? Just until you can find somewhere else," he says softly.

Carlos looks back up at him, searching his eyes for something he isn't even sure of, before nodding.

"Just until I can find somewhere else."

* * *

"After what happened?" Carlos says warily, staring at Jay from over his mug.

"Where did you stay after it happened?"

It's the next morning and they are sitting opposite one another at the table, quietly drinking their first coffees of the day. Jay can't get over how much he has missed seeing Carlos mussed hair and sleepy eyes of a morning. They sit in relative silence until Jay asks something that has been bothering him.

"After Harry hit you? You said you left."

It was only once Jay had gotten into bed last night that it occurred to him that Carlos may have spent the night out in the streets, all bloodied and bruised.

"Oh, I stayed at Mal's," Carlos answers.

"Mal? Who's Mal?"

Carlos smirks. "The girl you chased down to talk to when you were looking for me. When you were at Ursula's."

"Oh, the dragon girl," Jay says smiling, glad to finally have a name to go along with the face, until he realizes something. "Wait, she told you about that? Did you know it was me who was asking about you?"

"No," Carlos says.

Jay narrows his eyes at him.

"Well, I mean, M may have mentioned the Isle and the words awkward and brunette," he says sheepishly. "But it's not like it's the first time a guy has come around asking for me."

Jay just rolls his eyes.

Carlos stands up when they are both finished their coffees and takes them over to the sink, turning the tap on and looking in the underneath cabinet for some form of dish-washing liquid.

Jay scrunches his face up and grins.

"You don't have to wash the dishes, you know," he says.

Carlos stands back up, holding the soap in his hand victoriously and continues with what he is doing.

"Yes, I do," Carlos says. "I have to do something around here. I can't just stay here for free and do nothing to help out."

"You're not doing nothing. You're keeping me company," Jay says simply.

Carlos rolls his eyes. "Yes, but usually when I keep someone company it involves an orgasm. You're just having me sleep in your bed and drink your coffee."

"I like having you around," Jay says instead.

Carlos glares at him from where he stands in the kitchen.

"Fine. If it makes you feel better, I'll occasionally slap your ass when you walk past me and blow you kisses from across the room," Jay says, keeping a straight face.

Carlos snorts and turns his back on him in order to start washing the dishes, but Jay is able to catch the smile that has appeared on his face before he does so.

He sits at the table watching Carlos for a while, before he looks over at the time and realizes he needs to start getting ready to head down for work.

"So, I have to work today," Jah says, breaking the silence. "You're welcome to just hang around the studio if you like, but it's going to be pretty boring. I'm just booking models and setting a shoot up for Evie and Ben. Nothing exciting."

Carlos glances over his shoulder at him while he speaks, but continues with the dishes he has started.

"Or you can stay here. Whatever you want to do," he finishes, trying not to sound controlling but wanting to know where Carlos will be during the day.

"That's okay. I'm actually going to head back to Mal's. I need to grab some clothes," Carlos says, turning around to give Jay his full attention.

"Oh, right. Of course," Jay says, only now just noticing Carlos is wearing the same t-shirt and jeans from last night. The fact that Carlos had actually still been here in the morning when he woke up was enough to distract him from anything else.

"Oh, shit," Jay says suddenly. "I never even offered you anything to sleep in, I'm so sorry," he apologizes.

"That's okay," Carlos says again, shrugging and turning back around. "I usually just sleep in a shirt and underwear anyhow."

Jay blinks slowly and pauses, caught off guard by the statement, before snapping out of it and clearing his throat.

"Yeah. Uh, cool," he says awkwardly and rolls his eyes at himself.

He doesn't know why he feels so flustered at that generally tame piece of information.

"Well, you're also welcome to wear any of my clothes," he says eventually. "Though they'll probably be about five sizes too big."

Carlos looks over his shoulder at him again and smiles.

Jay practically skips into work that day.


	8. [i've got it from here]

It's the next day, Jay has already gone down for work, and Carlos is currently walking around his loft inspecting everything. He isn't snooping, just taking his time looking around the place without Jay's watchful eyes taking in his every move. Jay watches him a lot. He tries to be subtle about it, but Carlos always notices. It's been his job for years to notice someone's eyes on him after all.

He has Dude in his arms as he does so, the dog wriggling every now and then as if trying to escape, but Carlos can't help but keep him cuddled up against his chest. He is the most perfect thing he has ever seen and it's been a while since he has experienced this kind of innocent affection, even if it is from a pet.

Jay's loft is simply designed yet with a modern look about it. The furniture and walls fit a mostly black and red scheme with a splash of yellow or white from the photo frames hung along the walls. Carlos wonders if they're Jay's own work, but some are smaller shots as if from an old school camera, with him and different people in it. There is one of a very young looking Jay and Evie, it's the Jay he remembers most. They must have been in high school when it was taken; Evie has darker and way more curly hair and Jay looks slightly gangly like he hasn't grown into his limbs yet. It makes Carlos feel a strange sort of melancholy, an almost confirmation that he's missed too much and really doesn't belong in Jay's life anymore.

Carlos eventually puts Dude down and heads into the bathroom. It is by far his favorite room in the loft. It isn't the biggest, but it has a huge clean mirror and the water pressure in the shower is amazing. And always blissfully hot.

Carlos' old apartment had a shower that mostly ran cold and would often stop working. The whole place was always freezing with no heating system and there was a constant leak coming from the ceiling. The building itself was very old and his neighbors were practically nonexistent. They were mainly not very nice people, drug dealers, gangsters. They weren't really living there, at least not in hours when he could meet them, but sometimes he could hear screaming and doors slamming shut.

Sometimes there would be banging on his own door and he had come home from working all night to find the place had been broken into more than once, the pathetic lock on his door busted right open. When sleeping, Carlos would often curl up on his mattress on the floor, back pressed to the wall, watching the door just in case. It's why he mostly spent the whole night out, he felt safer sleeping during the day.

Carlos decides to take himself down to Jay's studio. He had again been invited to hang out there if he didn't have any plans, and since he hadn't actually seen the place yet, he was curious. He takes the elevator down and winds up in a foyer with creamy tiles and floor to ceiling windows that make the place look bright and immaculately pristine. There is a young girl with shoulder length brown hair and a blue bow on her head, sitting at the front desk watching him as he awkwardly makes his way over.

"Hi, I'm looking for Jay," he says quietly.

She looks down and makes to flip through an appointment book when Carlos pipes up again.

"I'm not here for business. Jay's a... he's a friend," Carlos says pathetically, thinking he should have just stayed in the loft.

"Oh, you're Carlos! I'm Jane, I work at reception. Well, mostly I just tell people that they've reached the wrong floor when they're looking for Ben or Evie. But it's nice to meet you," she says, eager and bubbly.

Carlos smiles at her, liking her honest candor.

"Just go on through," she continues. "He said you might be coming in at some point, he should be in his office."

Carlos nods and walks towards the end of the foyer, glancing back to see Jane typing away at the computer on her desk, smile firmly in place. She can't be a lot older than him, but somehow she looks way more innocent and happier. Carlos can't help but like her for it. He'd kill to be that way again.

The studio is set out differently to what he had briefly seen of _Evie's 4 Hearts_. Evie's floor didn't have a front desk in the foyer, just an entrance to the left which led straight into the store. He hadn't got to take a very good look inside though, he was too focused on keeping his head down and following Evie to the back room.

Jay'a studio instead, begins with a corridor that Carlos is tentatively walking down. He walks until there are two hallways on both his left and right, where he stops to contemplate. He has no idea where Jay's office is and he doesn't want to walk where he shouldn't. So he continues going straight and finds himself standing in a big open room, painted all white. This must be the actual studio room where the photos are taken. There is a small desk and chair toward the back, but no one is sitting there, and there's a door just behind it. Again, Carlos is afraid to go in.

Footsteps catch his attention and he turns to see someone holding multiple Starbucks cups, strolling down the corridor. The man is tall and blonde, not a slightest sign of smile on his face. Carlos makes his way over to him quickly.

"Excuse me, could you tell me where Jay's office is?" he asks politely, hoping he doesn't seem too out of place in the quiet studio.

"It's down the left hallway here," the man says, pointing to where he had passed earlier.

"His is the one on the end, I'm actually about to go in and give the bossman his coffee now," he continues.

"Oh. I can take it in for him if you like. You have others to deliver by the looks of things," Carlos says, gesturing to the other coffees and coming off far more relaxed than he feels.

"Yeah, thanks. I'm the intern so I get to do the coffee runs. I'm Chad by the way," he says, reaching his hand out and looking Carlos up and down in a way that's more than just friendly.

"Carlos," he answers in return, shaking his hand calmly.

Chad holds on for too long, maintaining eye contact in a way Carlos is sure he thinks is charming. He knows guys like this, too aware of how attractive they are and too damn cocky about it.

Once Chad lets go and indicates which cup is for Jay, Carlos retreats quickly down the hall and to the end office on the right. He looks back to see Chad is still watching him and gives a weak smile before opening the door and pushing his way inside.

The office isn't very big, just a simple desk and computer on one side facing the door, and two chairs on the opposite. Jay is sitting at his desk, hunched over with his phone pressed to his ear and staring at something on his computer screen.

He looks up with irritation at the sound of his door being opened, but his expression soon changes into a smile at seeing it is Carlos coming in. He silently gestures for him to take a seat, before making grabby hands at the coffee Carlos is carrying. The boy smiles and hands it to him, curling himself up on one of the chairs so he can rest his head on his knees.

Jay is arguing with someone, something about a model he had booked cancelling on him and not wanting just anyone. Carlos isn't really following, he just smiles occasionally when Jay rolls his eyes in his direction and steals sips from his coffee when he thinks he isn't looking. Mal sometimes gets him Starbucks when she isn't busy and it truly is the best coffee.

When Jay finally gets off the phone, he lets out a huge sigh and leans back in his chair, giving Carlos a lazy smile.

"Sorry about that. How are you? You didn't seem to be awake when I got up, so I thought I'd let you sleep in," Jay says.

Which is true, the door to the spare room was closed when Jay stumbled out of his own room that morning, so he figured Carlos was still sleeping. He had to resist the urge to go in and check Carlos was still there though, and hadn't bailed during the night. It was very difficult.

Carlos just smiles at him and looks around the office a bit. There are photos on the walls of Jay and various celebrities. It all feels a bit surreal.

"You took photos of all of them?" he asks.

"Yeah, I did. In this studio. Do you want a tour?" Jay asks eagerly, despite being slammed with work.

"I sort of already gave myself one. Jane out the front didn't really tell me where your office was exactly," Carlos says sheepishly.

Jay chuckles. "Well, you probably saw the studio then, and the other offices in the hall are like for accounting and the business side of things. They handle everything for Evie, Ben and I. Opposite hall is just to the bathrooms. And that's pretty much all there is to see," Jay finishes.

"The room at the back of the studio?" Carlos asks curiously.

"That's the change room for models or any clients coming in for shoots. Usually we have a rack of clothes in there and a row of mirrors for make-up."

Carlos nods again, just taking everything in. It's all very organized, they have everything covered. And here's Carlos, without even a place to call home.

He is broken from his thoughts by the sound of Jay's office door opening from behind him. He startles a little and places his feet back on the floor, sitting up straight.

"Jay, babe, there you are!" says a tall girl with long dark hair and pretty pink blush covering her cheeks.

Carlos watches as she comes in and perches herself on Jay's desk.

"What do you mean, _there you are_?" Jay says, scoffing. "This is my office, where else would I be?"

"Usually you at least come down and say '_hi_' to me, I haven't seen you all day," she pouts.

"It's barely gone noon. And I've been busy," Jay looks over at Carlos, shaking his head.

"Oh, shit! Are you in a meeting?" she asks, finally taking notice of Carlos.

"No, actually. This is Carlos," Jay says smiling. "Carlos, this is Lonnie."

Carlos waves awkwardly, eyeing the tall girl.

"So this is Carlos!" she exclaims, looking him up and down. "It's nice to finally meet you," she smiles.

"Yeah, you too," Carlos replies, despite not knowing how she is connected to Jay.

Lonnie looks back at Jay and mouths, "_he's so cute_."

Jay just glares at her and hopes Carlos hadn't seen. He did.

"Anyway," Jay says loudly, "like I said, I'm busy, work, you know?"

He's nodding his head at Lonnie trying to give her the hint to leave.

She just rolls her eyes. "Fine. But we're still having drinks tonight. Like always. And Carlos, you should come," she says, standing and looking over at him.

Carlos looks at Jay unsure.

"You should definitely come," Jay says. "We have them every Friday night in the studio. The whole staff is invited, it's really relaxed. It's just to wind down from the week."

"Well, that's what it's supposed to be," Lonnie says, nudging Jay's shoulder with her hip. "Some people just end up doing work while we all drink."

Jay just chuckles and shrugs his shoulders as Lonnie stares him down.

"Whatever, I better get back. But you need to come, it'll be fun," Lonnie says to Carlos, leaning down and placing a kiss on Jay's cheek. "See you later, babe," she calls out to Jay as she leaves the room.

The door closes behind her and a silence descends the room.

"So," Carlos begins, looking down and playing with a piece of thread that has come loose from his ripped jeans, "is she your girlfriend?"

"What?" Jay asks surprised. "No! Lonnie's just like that with everyone. She's not. No," Jay says quickly.

Carlos looks at him and grins, amused with how flustered Jay has become.

Jay takes a deep breath. "That's Ben's oldest friend. She's a good friend of mine, too," he says calmly.

"That's nice," Carlos says, expression softening.

"Did you have to check every office before you found mine?" Jay asks, changing the subject and wondering if Carlos had to awkwardly apologize to some of his employees on the way in.

"No, actually. I bumped into Chad, your intern. Hence the coffee," Carlos says, gesturing towards it.

"Oh, Chad. Yeah, he is mostly Evie's intern but we all kind of use him. He is kissing ass at the moment when it comes to me though, he wants to be a model apparently."

"And what? You don't like muscle?" Carlos asks.

"No. Not really," Jay says, staring at him intently.

Carlos nods slowly and averts his eyes.

"So, do you think you actually might have a few drinks with us tonight?" Jay says.

Carlos bites his lip and steels himself. Jay is not going to like this.

"No, I can't."

Jay furrows his brow. "Why not?" he asks. "Do you have something else that you need to..." Jay's sentence peters out as he realizes.

Carlos is going out to work the streets tonight. He hadn't really thought about how that would factor in with Carlos staying with him. He almost forgot it was something that might happen even though Carlos was under his roof.

Jay calmly gets up from his chair and walks over to stand in front of the door. Carlos twists in his seat and looks at him confused.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm blocking the door so you don't run out of here angry with me before I finish what I'm about to say," Jay says seriously.

Carlos glares at him in disbelief.

"You don't need to go out there, not tonight. Or the night after that. Or any night. At least for a while," Jay says, before Carlos can argue.

Carlos groans loudly. "We have been over this, Jay. I want to be able to pay my own way and like, put in for groceries or something. I can't just stay in your loft rent-free. I can't. The only reason I wasn't out last night was to give my bruise a chance to fade"

"It's barely faded," Jay says incredulously. "And you can."

"Can what?" Carlos asks.

"Stay at mine rent-free. Stop thinking about the money. I don't care about the money. It's just one friend, helping another out. No big deal. Friends do that," Jay says.

Carlos sighs, he isn't use to people just doing nice things for him. There's always a catch. People always want something. Always.

"You don't need to be going out there, just stay. When you find a new place, if you still feel the need to do it then, well, I can't stop you. But for now, just stay," comes Jay's calming voice and Carlos finds himself agreeing before he even really thinks about it.

* * *

Carlos is in the elevator on his way down to _Beast B's_, Jay had encouraged him to go explore as he was just going to be making more boring phone calls for most of the day, and didn't want Carlos getting bored with him.

Exiting the elevator, Carlos finds _Beast B's_to be set up much like Evie's store. The entrance is to the left, well, right when coming from out of the elevators, but they both lead straight into the stores. The store itself is huge, filling the same amount of space Jay has managed to use for his offices and studio, with rows of clothing. Though there is the sizeable back room where the designers work that takes up some of the floor.

Inside _Beast B's_, there is everything from jackets, to shirts, to shoes, to hats, to suits and ties. The place is amazing. Carlos makes his way over to a rack of hats, takes a peek at the price tag and immediately balks. No wonder people like him don't know about places like this.

"Can I help you with anything?"

The sound of the voice behind him is so cheerful and so soothing, Ben is immediately captivated by the man it is coming from. He is tall, well, not really, but everyone feels tall compared to Carlos, with a big smile on his face and smooth dark blonde hair and hipnotizing eyes. He recognizes the face immediately from some of Jay's photos in the loft, as well as the resemblance to this famous actor, whose name he can't really remember. This must be Ben.

"No, but thank you. Jay actually said you wouldn't mind if I looked around. I'm Carlos," he says, assuming like everyone else he has met so far, that Jay has told Ben about him.

Ben smiles and nods his head.

"Hi, Carlos. I'm Ben."

Carlos smiles back, quite taken with the gentle man already.

"How do you like the place?" Ben asks, gesturing around him.

"It's incredible. I don't even know where to start," Carlos answers.

"Well, feel free to roam as much as you like and try anything on," Ben says.

"Oh, no, that's okay. I was just looking," Carlos replies, he couldn't afford anything in here anyway.

"No, for real. Any friend of Jay's is a friend of mine. You know what? Wait here. I'll grab some things I think you'll like."

Ben is off and walking through the store, grabbing things and draping them over his arm before Carlos can say anything. He's noticed a pattern with Jay and his friends. They all have a difficult time accepting **_no_**as an answer.

"Here, take these and see what you think," Ben says once he makes his way back over, loading Carlos up with a handful of t-shirts, jackets and jeans.

Carlos hesitates and considers his options, but Ben just points him in the direction of the change rooms and walks off to talk with a customer who has just come in.

Carlos goes into one of the stalls and places the clothes Ben has picked for him down on the bench inside. They're mostly all black, except for a red shirt and white scoop-neck jumper. Carlos loves all of it. He tries the jeans on first and is impressed Ben was able to pick his size just from looking at him. Though it is his job, he supposes. He must do this for customers often.

Carlos tries everything on, finishing with the red shirt that he pairs with a black and white leather jacket, eventually stepping out from the stall to get a better look at himself in the full length mirror on the wall. He looks good. For once Carlos thinks he actually looks good, even with the fading bruise along his jaw. He looks up to see Ben standing behind him smiling.

"You like it?" he asks.

Carlos nods. "They're really beautiful clothes. Thanks for letting me try them on," he says sincerely.

"They look good on you, you should keep them," Ben tells him.

Carlos shakes his head furiously, "Oh no, I couldn't do that."

"Go ahead. Jay uses this place as his own walk-in closet anyway. Though I do get him back with all the photos I make him take," Ben jokes.

Carlos still declines, as is his habit.

"You are keeping them," Ben tells him, "because I need you to do me a favor in return."

Carlos arches an eyebrow at him ominously. People only ask him for certain kind of favors, he didn't really think Ben would be the type to want that kind of thing. It would break his heart if he weren't so use to people turning around and using him for what he is.

"I need you to try on some of the new designs for me," Ben says instead, surprising him.

"Why?" Carlos asks warily.

"Because, the model that was supposed to try them on cancelled. That's what Jay's dealing with at the moment. And she was small. So I need someone small," Ben answers simply.

"You're going to let me keep all these clothes, just for trying on some more?" Carlos asks.

These people confuse him. They offer too much for too little.

"Yes. That's exactly what I'm going to do," Ben says, looking him straight in the eye.

"Okay," Carlos concedes. "But I'm only going to keep **_one_**," he says firmly, he will not be some charity case.

Ben just smiles and gestures for him to follow him out and into the back room.

He spends most of the afternoon in there, holding still and trying on clothes from Ben and Evie's new line. The clothes are exactly the type Carlos wishes he could always wear if money were not a factor, and even though they were made for a female model, they still fit him quite well. He is currently wearing a black shirt with silver studded details on the collar and placket, that's so amazing he is beyond words. Ben's been taking notes on each item he tries on, making comments to his team on bringing some in at the seams or changing certain lengths on things. Carlos doesn't really understand everything they are talking about.

"Do you mind if we go down to _E4H_ so I can ask Evie something? I just need her to see you in this," Ben asks after a while.

Carlos just nods and follows along behind Ben again, he has got his own clothes and the _Beast B's_ red shirt tucked under his arm. It's the piece he decided to go with after Ben's offer. He knows he could probably leave it and just come back for it later. But he can't seem to put it down.

When they find Evie, she smiles at the sight of both of them and immediately is walking over to Carlos to fiddle with the new Bevie shirt he is wearing.

"Hey, Carlos!" she says to him with a smile, smoothing her hands down his shoulders, seemingly unfazed he is wearing one of their new designs. "Ben, I think we need to adjust the shoulders. It needs to be more fitted, there's too much room here," she says, going into work mode.

Carlos tunes them out, just getting lost in his own thoughts. He almost can't believe what is happening. Everything feels very surreal. Never would he have thought that he'd be wearing such nice clothes and playing model for a day for two very talented designers. Yet, here he is, and surprisingly, he doesn't feel as uncomfortable as he thought he would. It's Ben and Evie. They both have this very genuine way about them, a kindness in their eyes. Carlos doesn't see that very often.

He is snapped out of his thoughts by Evie's voice.

"Oh, hey, Jay," she says.

Carlos whips his head around to see Jay is leaning against the wall just inside the door, arms folded over his chest and one leg crossed over the other, quietly observing. Carlos wonders how long he's been there.

"What brings you down this way?" Evie asks.

Jay's eyes are glued to Carlos and he gives him a small smile before pushing off the wall and walking over.

"I came down wondering who had kidnapped Carlos," he says, coming to stand in front of him so he can take in the whole ensemble.

"We didn't kidnap him. Just... borrowed him," Ben says, winking at Carlos and following Evie over to one of the tables.

They begin to talk quietly among themselves, looking over at Carlos every now and then, while Jay just keeps smiling at him.

"What?" Carlos finally asks.

"Oh, nothing," Jay says, smile getting wider. "So, how was your day?" he asks playfully.

Carlos laughs. "Shut up. I'm just being helpful."

"I can see that," Jay says, tugging on one of Carlos sleeves before leaning closer.

"Do you think they'll notice if I steal you back?" Jay whispers conspiratorially.

Carlos glances over at the two designers and shrugs.

"Well too bad, I'm going to do it anyway. But first, let's take this shirt off. They'd kill me if I let something happen to it," Jay says and without thinking, reaches up and begins to unbutton Carlos' shirt.

The atmosphere rapidly changes when their eyes lock and the gesture begins to feel oddly intimate. Jay's hands slow down without him even realizing as more and more of Carlos' skin becomes exposed. Carlos' own hands eventually come up and carefully cover Jay's, effectively stopping him.

"I've got it from here," Carlos says quietly, staring at Jay, and Jay swallows hard, taking a decisive step back.

They both awkwardly look away from each other as Carlos changes back into his t-shirt, Ben and Evie curiously watching on from the sidelines.


	9. [it counted]

It is later that evening and Carlos finds himself standing among a sea of strangers, dressed in his new, neatly buttoned, _Beast B's_ shirt, unable to stop his own self-conscious fidgeting. He had agreed to come along for Friday night drinks which included the staff from all three floors, and is currently holding a glass of water in his hand as he quietly observes their interactions. They are all in the open space of Jay's studio, a collection of alcohol set out on a table that's been placed in the center of the room. Apparently everyone is welcome to help themselves to it, and they've already done that. And then there's Carlos. With a glass of water. Because he knows better that a drunk nineteen year old would be quite suspicious in a such fancy place.

He feels very out of place here and is curious to know if anyone is wondering who he is and how he fits in with the two designers and their photographer. He hopes no one asks. He doesn't have an answer ready for them, mostly because he isn't sure either.

He had started off the night by Jay's side, but eventually too many people kept commandeering the brunette's attention, leaving Carlos feeling a little lost. That was until he felt an arm being looped through his, and he looked up to find Lonnie smiling at him and guiding him through the crowd. She hadn't put him on the spot in front of people or made him participate in conversations, just simply made him feel included, never removing her arm from his. It was as if she could sense his discomfort and was providing him with an anchor to hold onto and keep him grounded. She had just introduced him to Evie's boyfriend and her own boyfriend, when Carlos had to excuse himself to use the bathroom.

He hadn't really needed to go, just needed a minute to take a breath, splash some water on his face and gather himself. Despite Lonnie's comforting efforts, he has never been very good with people he doesn't know and he hasn't been around so called 'polite society' in a while. These people are from a different world compared to him, making small talk about restaurants they have been to and holidays they have been on. Carlos' small talk is very much limited to foods that cost less than eight dollars and will last the week, and which corners you should stand on that won't get you arrested.

When he comes back out of the bathroom, he is unable to find Lonnie. Evie is also nowhere to be seen and Jay is sitting at the desk at the back of the room, flanked by Ben and a group of other unknowns. He wants to go over there, stand with Jay again, but his expression seems serious and it appears that despite the bottle of cider that sits on his desk, he has his laptop out and is working. Lonnie had been right.

When Carlos finally spots a familiar face, he instantly wishes he hadn't. It's the intern Chad, a sly grin appearing on his face as he too notices Carlos and begins to make his way over. Carlos briefly wonders whether if he had asked Jay, would he have let him invite Mal. She would have probably been bored out of her mind, but at least Carlos would have had someone to stand with and he wouldn't look so alone and approachable.

"Hello again," Chad says once he reaches him.

"Hi," Carlos answers, feigning enthusiasm.

"So, I never did get a chance to ask you earlier, but I suppose you're a model?" Chad says, tilting his head as he gives Carlos another once over with his eyes.

Carlos shakes his head quickly. "No, not at all. I actually don't work here. Just a friend."

"Of whose? Mr. Photographer?" Chad asks, glancing over to where Jay sits.

"Uh, yeah. Jay," Carlos answers.

Chad gives him a calculating look before continuing. "Yeah, I just thought you were since I saw you in the new Bevie stuff earlier today."

"Just helping," Carlos says, shrugging it off.

"I'd kill to try that stuff on. I'm actually a model myself, you know? I mean, I haven't landed any big campaigns or anything yet, I'm actually hoping this internship might help me out with that," Chad says smirking.

Carlos just nods. He wonders how bothered Chad would be if he actually was modelling for Bevie. He wonders how bothered Chad would be if he was modelling for Bevie and he found out that he is a prostitute. The thought makes Carlos have to suppress a chuckle, he'd fucking hate it.

"Does Jay talk to you about that kind of stuff? Like how he chooses his models?" Chad continues.

Carlos wants to roll his eyes. Really? This guy is trying to have Carlos get him an in with Jay? Carlos doesn't know a fucking thing about this place or how it works. And even if he did, he certainly wouldn't be helping Chad out, he's too obnoxious.

"No, he doesn't. I don't really know much about that side of things," Carlos answers politely instead.

"Yeah, neither do I, I can barely get Jay's attention for more than a few seconds. Maybe we should get coffee some time and you can tell me exactly how one becomes friends with him," Chad says and winks at him.

Carlos is not impressed. Not only is he trying to hit on Carlos, he's also trying to use him to get closer to Jay. And he isn't even being subtle about it.

Carlos' eyes search the room for some form of escape and land on Jay, who he is surprised to find is already looking back at him. Jay continues to stare, expression unreadable, despite the fact the people around him appear to be talking to him. Jay carefully drags his eyes away for a moment to glance at Chad where he stands, before returning to Carlos.

His eyes are slightly narrowed, as if he is trying to figure something out, and Carlos is about to give him some sort of 'help me' signal with only his eyes when a voice interrupts.

"Hey, guys. Sorry to intrude and I know it's after hours, but, Chad, would you mind grabbing me my sketchbook from my back room? I left it down there and I need to help Jay with something."

Carlos breaks eye contact with Jay to find Evie standing beside him, face slightly flushed from alcohol. Carlos is so happy to see her.

"Uh, yeah, sure. I'll be back," he says, smiling in Carlos' direction.

Once he has walked toward the corridor and out of earshot, Carlos turns to Evie and smiles.

"Thank you."

"No problem," she says, smiling softly. "You want a drink?"

"I'm nineteen."

"So? I was nineteen once, too," Evie says laughing, handing him a glass of wine. He takes it. He feels like he'll need it, not to mention there's no point in arguing with Evie. "How you doin'"?

"Mostly okay. Until Chad cornered me. Is he always like that?" Carlos asks.

"What? Talking about himself and acting like a total sleaze?" Evie says, eyebrows raised.

Carlos chuckles.

"That's a yes then."

"The Bevie line is coming out soon and there's going to be a huge ad campaign that he wants in on, it's super annoying. He's even hit on me, can you believe? Damn, he's hit on Ben! And he knows for a fact Ben only swings one way, and it's not his. Talk about trying to fuck your way to the top."

"Oh my god," Carlos says, laughing again. "Why do you keep him around if he's like that?"

"He's our intern and Ben hasn't really seemed to notice. For a no-nonsense kind of guy he really is far too trusting for his own good," Evie says, rolling her eyes.

Carlos smiles and chances a glance back in Jay's direction, but his eyes are no longer on Carlos, focused back on his computer screen instead.

* * *

Carlos and Evie end up spending most of the night talking and laughing with one another. Chad doesn't come back over to him again, he assumes Evie's presence has something to do with it. They manage to find Lonnie again too, and between the three of them, three bottles of champagne are finished. This leads to a sufficiently drunk Carlos, which is unusual considering he hardly ever drinks. There is never really a good opportunity to or good enough reason. He has to keep his wits about him when he's out on the streets or with a client anyhow, so alcohol for him is a rarity.

But at the moment, his guard is down and he is sporting a lazy smile and glazed over expression. He's actually enjoying himself, despite the fact Jay stayed true to his workaholic nature and basically left him on his own. Well, that's not exactly what happened. Carlos was the one that slunk off into the background when he became too overwhelmed with the people crowding him. He just thought he would have come over and checked on Jay at least once during the evening. Carlos cringes as soon as he thinks that though, it makes him feel needy and weak. And so he quickly dismisses the thought, blaming it on the alcohol.

It doesn't help though, because without realizing, Carlos is staring over at Jay again. Watching as he takes the occasional sip from his bottle and moves his hand over the keyboard in front of him. Ben is still close by talking with someone, but there's no longer a crowd surrounding the photographer.

"Go over to him, baby!" Evie exclaims from next to him, breaking him out of his trance.

"No, it's fine. He's busy," Carlos says dismissively.

"No he isn't, he's just obsessive. Way too much energy, that kid," Evie mutters, grabbing onto Carlos' arm. "Come on!" she says, dragging them both over.

"Hey loser, stop being so boring!" she says as they approach Jay.

Jay just laughs and turns in his chair to face them, looking up at Carlos whose unfocused eyes are idly watching him.

"You okay?" he asks, reaching out and tugging on Carlos' hand.

Carlos just grins and nods at him. He's perfectly fine. Just a light-weight it seems.

Jay continues to work despite Evie and Lonnie's jeering, joining the conversation only every now and then with a comment or two, with Carlos staying mostly silent by his side. Carlos is barely listening to the conversation anyway. It's been a while since he has spent a Friday night indoors like this and so is just enjoying the feeling of being pleasantly drunk, and not cold, or scared.

When he does eventually tune back in, he finds the conversation has turned to that of first kisses.

"Well, Carlos? How about you?" Evie asks, having just finished telling her own first kiss story.

Carlos answers honestly, without thinking.

"Nicholas Haaden."

And just saying the name is enough to sober him up.

Jay is watching the conversation carefully and he can tell almost immediately that talking of the past is causing Carlos to become anxious. He recognises that name. He has no idea where he knows it from, but he definitely does.

"Come on then, so how old were you?" Lonnie encourages.

"Uh, eleven. I was eleven," Carlos mumbles.

"Annnd?" says Evie, unaware of his discomfort. "I told you guys everything! We need details!"

Carlos feels all eyes on him and a panic attack slowly rising, when all of a sudden a pair of strong arms are wrapped around his waist from behind.

"Leave him alone," Jay says, pulling him down and into his lap. "Not all of us kiss and tell," he mocks, laughing it off and hugging Carlos to him, effectively shutting down their line of questioning.

"Well, I do!" exclaims Lonnie drawing everyone's attention, seeming to catch on that perhaps they had stepped into some uncomfortable territory without meaning to. "So her name was Arabella, I was fifteen and-"

"Gross. This is not something I want to know," Ben cuts in.

"Well then walk away, you don't have to listen," Lonnie says.

"I'm not going to walk away, this is my..."

Carlos doesn't really listen to the rest of the conversation. He just sits where Jay has placed him, back pressed against his chest, arms resting against his thighs, and focuses on keeping his breathing even. Talking about things that happened during that time in his life always seem to bring back the most unpleasant of memories, fresh and raw as the day they were formed. He can't afford to let them surface, he wants to just forget.

Jay is surprised when Carlos doesn't move from his lap. He has had a couple of drinks and it was only on instinct that he grabbed Carlos and literally pulled him out of the conversation. He could just sense how uncomfortable he had become and so had done the first thing that came to mind. Jay's always been a bit more affectionate and tactile when drinking, he's just glad he hasn't caused Carlos to become even more uncomfortable with how forward he was.

Not wanting to break the moment and enjoying the closeness, Jay just continues working, scrolling through photo edits that he still feels the need to tweak just that little bit. Carlos watches through hazy eyes as he does so, enjoying this look into Jay's work.

His photos have an honest quality about them. There seems to be little air-brushing involved and the models in the photos are of all shapes and sizes. Some have crooked noses, smile lines, crowded teeth. It's actually quite refreshing to see such untouched, natural beauty. Jay's editing seems to focus more on lighting, exposure, color pops and the text and background designs that have been added later.

They sit there together silently as Jay works, Carlos eventually calming down and just lounging on him. One of Jay's arms is resting loosely around Carlos' waist, while the other clicks away on his wireless mouse. Carlos is lucky that he is so small, he's at just the right height that he can lean his head against Jay's shoulder, without obstructing his view of the screen.

Carlos glances across the room at one point to see people have started leaving, it must be getting late. He spots Chad too, talking with Jane but throwing glances over to Jay and Carlos every few seconds as he does so. Carlos wonders what he is thinking. Is he annoyed that Jay gets to touch Carlos? Or that Carlos gets to be this close to Jay? It's hard to tell with the wannabe model. But from what Evie says about what he's willing to do for his career, or rather who he's willing to do, his bet is on the latter.

Eventually everyone leaves, Evie and Lonnie coming over to give them both kisses to the cheeks. It surprises Carlos, but he accepts the sweet gesture for what it is, and he did have a really good time laughing with them earlier that night.

They're all alone now and Carlos makes no move to get up, he's gotten to that point where he no longer feels drunk, just extremely sleepy, and the yawn he lets out proves it.

"You should go to bed," Jay says from above him, dropping his hand from his laptop and leaning back in his chair. He slightly rocks the chair from side to side and it is almost lulling Carlos to sleep.

"Come on, I've got a bit more to do here. But you go, it's late," Jay says again when Carlos doesn't move.

Carlos lets out a big sigh and slowly stands. He is tired, but he was liking just being with Jay. When he was little he used to press himself up against Jay if he was anxious or scared, and despite the years, it seems the taller boy still has the same calming effect on him.

Carlos grabs Jay's abandoned drink and puts it, along with the wine glass he still has in his hand, on the table where everyone else has left the empties, and starts to walk toward the corridor that leads to the elevators.

"He wasn't your first kiss, you know," Jay's voice calls out.

Carlos stops and turns around, looking back at him.

"What?"

"Nicholas, or whatever his name was. He wasn't your first kiss. Don't you remember?" Jay asks.

There is at least five meters between them from where Jay sits at his desk and Carlos has stopped near the beginning of the corridor, but Carlos can see the way Jay's eyes flicker down to his lips, even if it is just for a moment.

Carlos does remember.

Jay had been ten at the time, and Carlos eight. They had been given separate chores to do at the group home, mostly because they never got any work done when they were together. Jay was supposed to be helping out in the garden and Carlos was on dish-washing duties. But instead of doing their work, Carlos had climbed up onto one of the benches and opened the window that looked out into the yard, and Jay had climbed onto the table on the other side so they could sit and talk through the thin screen covering the window.

They weren't actually talking though, Jay was holding a bubble wand to the screen and Carlos, who had his mouth pressed against it on the other side, was blowing air through the flimsy mesh and creating bubbles, causing them both to laugh. Jay had found the bubble mix just sitting there and since they were bored, it seemed like the thing to do.

Jay kept dipping the wand in the mix after each bubble and holding it back up for Carlos, smiling as his best friend pressed his pink lips against the screen and struggled to blow hard enough to get a good bubble going.

After they had done it a few times and Carlos was over the struggle, he had made to sit back and take a break when Jay's voice had stopped him.

"Wait, keep your lips there," he said.

Carlos did as he was told without question, trusting Jay implicitly and expecting him to put the bubble wand back up to his face.

Instead he had put it back in the bottle and screwed the lid on, moving onto his knees so he was sitting directly facing Carlos. Jay's eyes were focused on his mouth with an intense concentration, and Carlos watched and waited patiently as he leaned in.

He could feel Jay's lips even through the screen, it felt a little odd due to the obstruction, but there was still the undeniable pressure of Jay's mouth, warm and real, pressed against his own. Carlos had no idea what to do, but his eyes had closed on their own accord and he was left breathless when his best friend pulled away.

When he finally reopened his eyes and looked at Jay, he could see that the normally out-spoken, older boy was at a loss for words, offering no explanation for what had just happened.

Carlos reached a hand up and gently touched his own lips.

"You kissed me," he had said bluntly.

He watched as Jay nervously turned his head to the side cringing, before running a hand through his hair and letting out a scoff.

"What? No," he said, forcing a laugh. "That wasn't a kiss. There's a screen between us. It doesn't count," Jay said, trying to act casual.

Carlos tilted his head and looked at Jay thoughtfully. Just as he was about to open his mouth and reply, they both heard a yell from behind Carlos.

"Jay! Carlos! Seriously? And what have I told you about climbing on the bench?"

Carlos turned back to the kitchen to see one of the female staff glaring at him, and when he had looked back through the window, Jay was already legging it across the yard.

Carlos looks at Jay now, all grown up but still very much the same, and wonders what he had been thinking that day when he decided to kiss him.

"You said it didn't count," Carlos finally says quietly.

Jay smiles softly.

"It did."


	10. [what's the point?]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> mentions of sexual situations.  
sorry??

It has been over a week since Carlos agreed to stay with Jay, and things have slipped into a somewhat comfortable domesticity. Jay's mornings begin with him slowly getting ready and reluctantly leaving Carlos in his loft to head down for work. He spends most of the day alone in his office without him until, more often than not, Carlos will come into the studio at lunch and eat with him.

On the nights he works late, if he's not up in the loft by seven, Carlos again comes down but with something he has prepared to make sure Jay eats. There have been plenty of times Jay has skipped dinner and he rarely cooks, barely knows how. But Carlos does and he likes making pasta with his own homemade sauce, and Jay likes eating it.

They have taken to sitting on the floor of Jay's empty studio, or in the foyer with the full-length windows, which is eerie but beautiful at night once everyone has gone home and the world is quiet. They sit side by side in some sort of make-shift picnic, bowl in each of their hands, just enjoying each other's company as they eat their dinner.

Once they finish, Carlos will return to the loft and it will be on these late nights that Jay will come home a few hours later to find Carlos, who likes to try and wait up for him, asleep on the couch with Dude. Jay is starting to suspect he is no longer his dog's favorite, but he doesn't mind, the sight of them together creates an overwhelming warmth inside his chest.

For Carlos, he has found that despite all the years he has spent his nights working the streets, he is easily falling into the peaceful routine that comes with living with Jay. If he isn't spending time with Mal (or Gil when he's not working at Ursula's store), he has found himself moving between the floors of the headquarters for most of the day.

He'll start the morning having a coffee with Jay in the loft, before he heads down to _Beast B's_ to find Lonnie. If Ben or Evie aren't too busy, he might sit on a stool in the back room and chat to them or listen to them babble about different designs for some of the day, but usually he's with Lonnie. Sometimes they call him in when they need him to try on clothes again for Bevie, but they aren't much for conversation during these times.

Lonnie likes to set Carlos to work. She treats him like her own little personal errand boy, which Carlos actually likes. He feels like he's contributing. And half the time the little odd jobs she gives him just consist of visiting one of the three bosses of each floor and giving them paperwork or messages.

He's also been helping with organizing lunch. The other employees bring in their own or walk down the street to the food court inside the mall, but Ben, Evie and Jay usually get Lonnie to grab their food when they are all really busy. Carlos has been getting Jay's order, Lonnie is responsible for Ben, and they both find out what Evie wants on their way out. They bring it all back to them and Carlos sits with Jay in his office during the break, chatting to him about the day so far, before returning to Lonnie.

Lonnie is a wealth of knowledge, giving Carlos different pieces of trivia about everyone in the business. He listens to Lonnie with rapt attention, quietly hanging on her every word. She even showed him the 'Cobra's Jacket' at _Beast B's_ that Jay apparently designed himself. It's yellow with a gold cobra pattern winding around the sleeves and back. Carlos loves it.

Today however, was going to disrupt their newly found routine, more like shatter it. Both of them just didn't know it yet.

* * *

Jay had gone out to scout locations that morning, finally knowing what he wanted for the main photos that would wind up on the billboards and magazine pages for the new clothing line, he just needed some references for setting up the shoot.

He had an idea in his mind of a background half painted red and half covered with graffiti in shades of blue. The red side would represent the pristine and mature look of _Evie's 4 Hearts_, and the graffiti side would represent _Beast B's _more street-savvy, but still elegant style. In the middle, so that they are standing in front of the split between the sides, would be the model in the new clothes. And on the white side written in a small simple font: 'A Benjamin Beast's & Evie Grimhilde's Creation'. Underneath that, written in a big, bold and sleek font that Ben and Evie had chosen, would be the word Bevie.

Now that he had decided on the type of photograph he wanted to put together, all Jay needed was inspiration for the graffiti design that would cover the _Beast B's_ side of the image. He hadn't really thought of anything specific when he came up with the idea, so he is out with his camera scoping out the street art, hoping that they will give him some ideas when designing the backdrop.Â He needed to do all this, and then return back to his office late in the afternoon for a meeting. He has a possible new client coming in who wants him to take some shots for his men's shoe line, but he's already wasted half his day driving around with little success.

Carlos, who he had left back at the studio in his office, is currently on Jay's computer halfheartedly looking for cheap apartments to rent. He had looked online earlier that week, but Jay had cut his search short, claiming he needed his computer for work. He suspects Jay hadn't really needed it right then and there and perhaps had an ulterior motive, but if he's being honest with himself, he wasn't putting much effort into actually looking anyhow.

He can't stay with Jay forever. He knows that. Even if Jay asked him to, he couldn't allow himself to live off of someone else like that. But that doesn't mean he isn't enjoying it, even if it is just for a little while.

He is scrolling through listings of apartments to rent in the downtown Corona - close enough to downtown Auradon, so he could visit Mal anytime he'd like - when he is interrupted. Carlos knew Jay had a potential client coming in that afternoon, he just hadn't expected him to turn up early before Jay got back. He also hadn't expected to recognize him.

Jane had apparently sent the man through to wait in Jay's office, not realizing Carlos was already occupying it. Carlos startles a little at the sound of the door being opened, but a smile begins to form across his face, expecting Jay to be the one coming through it. Instead however, he looks up to see a different familiar face, but decidedly unwelcome one.

"Well, well, fancy that," the man says, stepping into the room and smirking at Carlos.

Carlos maybe doesn't remember all the men that have purchased his time over the years, but he does remember this one. He's used Carlos' services on several occasions, but it had been a while since he had seen him.

He also happened to be Gil's father.

"Jay isn't here yet," Carlos says quickly, hoping to skip the pleasantries and just leave it at that.

The man walks around the office a little, staring at Jay's framed photography for a moment before speaking.

"Didn't really peg him as the type," he says, turning to look at Carlos.

Carlos glares at him. "_The type_?"

"Yeah, the type to have someone like you around. I guess we have more in common than I thought," he says, leering at Carlos and sitting himself down across from him.

"Don't bet on it," Carlos snipes. "We're just old friends."

"Old friends, huh? Well, how long until your old friend comes back? You still charge the same?"

And just like that, Carlos is reminded who he is, what he is. Spending time with Jay in his perfect little world had almost made him forget. He had gotten sucked into the fantasy too quickly, but reality was just as quick to come crashing back down around him. Who was he kidding? There is no escaping this kind of life. It leaves a mark that just won't wash off and just like that, you're forever tainted.

Carlos is almost thankful for the reminder. It would have been harder to come to terms with in the future if he kept living in this perfect fantasy for too long. He had forgotten his place in this world, he had forgotten where he belonged - on his knees.

* * *

When Jay arrives back at the studio he is running late by about five minutes, and so is surprised to find his office empty, despite Jane telling him his possible new client had already come in. There's also no sign of Carlos. Not that Jay had expected him to be exactly where he left him earlier that morning, but Carlos knew when he was coming back and since he had been gone most of the day, thought he might be around to say hello.

Confused, Jay walks back out to the main foyer to again ask Jane about where the man he is supposed to be meeting might be.

"Jane, you said you sent him through to my office, yes?" he asks.

"Yes, told him where it was so he wouldn't get lost this time too," she answers smiling.

He chuckles a little and walks back down the corridor. Perhaps because he was running late the man, who Jane had informed him name is Gaston LeGume, had decided to wander. Jay doesn't mind, he doesn't really keep any of the areas off limits, it's just now he has to find him.

He walks into the studio room to find the space empty, there's also no one in the change rooms at the back, though he knew the chances that the guy would find a reason to go in there were slim. He goes to the bathrooms instead, poking his head in tentatively, not wanting to make a new client uncomfortable if nature had indeed called.

He doesn't see anyone at the urinals, but one of the cubicles is occupied, and thinking this must be him, he goes to leave and just wait in his office. But just as he's about to do so, he hears a noise that stops him in his tracks. It's a moan.

He stays where he is and listens for it again, not quite believing what he just heard.

"Yes..." comes a hiss from inside the cubicle, mortifying Jay.

He goes to leave again, embarrassed at finding a man he's about to have a meeting with masturbating in his bathrooms, until a thought niggles its way into his mind. A horrible one.

He walks slowly toward the cubicle and filled with apprehension and dread, stoops down to peer underneath the door.

There's a pair of nice looking business shoes planted firmly on the floor, and kneeling in front of them, he can see Carlos' familiar black shorts and shoes.

For a moment Jay's whole body stills in shock, like he is unable to process what he's actually seeing. But it's only for a second, and then he is standing up and pounding on the locked door.

"Open the fucking door. Open it now!" he yells, banging as hard as he can.

He hears quick shuffling before the sound of a lock being turned, and the door slowly swings open.

The man who must be Gaston LeGume is standing there, hands still buckling his belt, and to his side, trying to look as small as possible, is Carlos, head down, lips swollen.

_Jay feels physically sick._

He reaches across the threshold and grabs Carlos by the arm, pulling him behind his body so Jay is in between, eyes boring into a man that whilst he's never met before, already hates with a burning passion.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" Jay spits through gritted teeth.

"Hey, hey, easy there. There's no need for that," LeGume says, hands out in front of him. "I didn't mean to offend, I just thought-"

"You just thought what? You could come into my studio and treat it like a fucking brothel?!" he yells.

"Look, it was nothing personal. I didn't realize you had your boy here on a retainer, he certainly didn't say anything," the man says.

"What the fuck did you just say to me?" Jay snarls furiously.

"What?" LeGume says easily. "You really expect me to believe you keep someone like him around because you're just friends? We both understand how business works, I thought we might be of like minds."

Jay lunges at him, grabbing him by the lapels of his suit jacket, and shaking him hard, his face pressed close to his.

"Fuck you, you asshole. We are nothing alike," Jay says disgusted.

"Jay?"

Jay keeps his hold on Gaston, but turns his face towards the source of the voice echoing through the bathroom. It's Jane, standing awkwardly in the doorway, obviously uncomfortable in the men's bathroom and the scene she has just walked in on.

"Carlos just ran out. He took the elevator down. He looked upset," she says, forcing herself to keep her voice calm and even.

Jay glances behind him and realizes she is right. Carlos is gone.

"I just thought you'd want to know," she finishes, but continues to hover. "Should I call any of the boys? I think I saw Jace in the hallway."

Jay shakes his head. "No, it's fine. Mr. LeGume here was just leaving."

He lets the man go, harshly pulling his jacket back into place. Jane nods and quickly leaves, heading back to her desk but still ready to pick up the phone and call security if she doesn't see Gaston leaving in the next five minutes.

"Get the fuck out of my studio," Jay says to him, taking a step back so the man can exit.

LeGume scoffs, but does as he's told, not wanting to risk having the aggressive photographer up in his face again.

Once he's gone, Jay starts to panic.

* * *

Jane said Carlos took the elevator down, but he's not in _Beast B's_ or _Evie's 4 Hearts_. Lonnie, Ben and Evie had all asked him what was wrong when he rushed in asking if Carlos was with them, but Jay was in too much of a hurry to explain what he had done.

He wants to be furious at Carlos, and a part of him is, but mostly he just wants to gather the boy up in his arms and make sure no one touches him like that ever again. Carlos doesn't have a phone so he can't even call him, and he's been living at Jay's so there aren't any places he knows that he could go to find him.

Except Mal's.

Carlos had stayed with Mal when he ran out on Harry, and it seems the only logical place he would go now. But Jay has no idea where Mal lives. He's seen her on the strip Carlos usually works once, but that could've been just because Carlos was there at the time. He needs to find Mal. If he finds Mal, he finds Carlos.

Carlos had been hanging out with Mal on and off since he came to stay with Jay, and he wracks his brain thinking back on their conversations about it. Carlos hadn't mentioned an address, or even the part of town Mal lives in, though Jay assumes it must be in the same area of the convenience store where he first spotted him.

The store. Carlos had said they sometimes hang out with Uma and Gil at Ursula's shop.

Jay is scrambling for his keys and running out the building as quickly as he can. He notices Evie on his way out trying to get his attention, probably wanting to know what is going on, but he doesn't stop, there's no time.

When he arrives at the convenience store, Jay has to take a moment to massage his aching hands, he had caused them to become stiff and begin to cramp from how hard he was gripping the steering wheel on the way over. He takes only a minute though, not wanting to waste anymore time.

For by the time he had searched every floor of his building, and paced back and forth in his loft working out the store was his best bet on finding Carlos, it had been over an hour. A lot can happen in over an hour. Carlos just hopes that if Mal is the first person Carlos went to, he's still with her now. And if not, then at the very least he hopes Mal may know where he's gone.

Jay walks through the door and hears the little bell jingle overhead, and spots Mal immediately. She sits on the counter with a sketchbook in her left hand and a pencil in her right hand, doodling just like she was the last time he saw her.

Mal looks up at the sound of the bell and from the unimpressed look on her face, she remembers who Jay is. Jay finds this encouraging though, because if she's unimpressed with him, then Carlos has been here.

"Where is he?" he asks, getting straight to the point.

"Yeah," Mal sighs. "Not happening, sorry," she answers, going back to drawing.

"Please? I know you've seen him," he says.

"I have, but that doesn't mean you get to," Mal quips, and if it weren't for the fact Jay is the one trying to get information out of her, he'd be pleased that Carlos has such a loyal and protective friend.

"I messed up, I know I did. It's just I found him with... someone," he says awkwardly, "and I got angry and I screamed at him and... I just **_need_** to see him."

Mal studies Jay's face for a while before rolling her eyes.

"Alright. Come on," she says, gesturing with her hand for Jay to follow him.

Jay does so warily, unsure of where they're going. Mal walks him through the store and opens the door in the corner at the back, again gesturing for Jay to walk through. He again does as indicated and his confusion immediately dissipates at the sight of Carlos sitting on a chair with his feet resting on a desk, a big pair of headphones on his head.

The room runs the length of the back of the store and isn't very wide, but it's been converted into an office with some space for a kitchenette, obviously by Uma, who he doesn't think would be too impressed with Carlos feet resting on her account books and various other documents if she was here. Then again though, if Uma was here, Jay doubts he would have made it this far.

Carlos himself, hasn't spotted Jay yet and is absent-mindedly bopping his head to his music.

"Carlos?" Jay calls, loud enough to be heard over the music blaring from his headphones.

Carlos looks up and immediately startles, sitting up and pulling the headphones off.

"How did you find me here?" he asks in shock, before peering over Jay's shoulder and spotting Mal behind him. "M, what the fuck?"

"Hey, don't swear at me," Mal says back, giving Carlos a pointed look. "I figured I'd let him say his piece, and then if you want, you can tell him to get lost once and for all when he's done," Mal says shrugging.

Jay glowers at the underwhelming support.

"I don't care what he has to say. I'm done. I don't want to deal with this shit anymore," Carlos says, refusing to look at Jay. He stands up and makes to walk toward another door near the kitchenette on the other side of the room.

Jay grabs Carlos' wrist to stop him without thinking, and is quickly interceded by Mal getting in between them, giving Jay a warning look.

"_You don't touch him_," she says, voice low.

Jay scoffs in disbelief, the anger he was feeling in the bathroom from earlier returning.

"Me? I'm the problem?" he says, slightly hysterical. "I'm the one trying to get him away from the people who want to do more than just touch him. What the fuck have you been doing?" he yells, getting into Mal's space.

Before he can even process it, Mal is grabbing his arm and twisting it behind his back, swinging him around to push him up against the nearest wall. This girl is really fucking strong as for someone her height. He can hear the sound of the backdoor closing in the background, and he knows that's Carlos leaving. **_Again_**.

"Calm down," Mal says evenly. "We don't talk like that in this store."

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," Jay says hopelessly, his forehead resting against the wall. "I just want him safe and I keep messing it up. Why can't I get this right?" he asks desperately.

Mal loosens her grip and eventually lets Jay go all together. She's wanted the same thing for Carlos for years.

"You're lucky Uma's not here," Mal says instead, taking a step back and allowing Jay to turn around. "You pull something like that in front of her and she's grabbing her baseball bat."

Jay just exhales heavily and leans his back against the wall.

"What do I do?" he asks sadly.

Mal gives him a small smile. "You can't push him, he doesn't trust easily. And you can't get mad at him for just doing what he knows."

"But I can't just leave him out there, you can't tell me it doesn't bother you," Jay says.

"Of course it bothers me. But sometimes when people have been treated really badly, they decide to stop hoping for anything better, hurts less that way," Mal answers.

"What happened to him?" Jay asks quietly.

"He's never told me exactly, but from what he has said, I know it's not good."

Jay just nods.

"Well, go on," Mal says, nodding her head toward the backdoor. "He won't have gone far."

Jay goes to leave, but stops, turning back to Mal. "Why are you helping me?"

Mal shrugs. "He cares about you, I can tell. And I haven't seen him care about anything in a long time. It's just a gut feeling really, but I think you might actually be good for him."

* * *

Carlos is sitting in the gutter of the car park outside Ursula's, calmly smoking a cigarette. He can hear footsteps approaching, and without even looking it up he knows it's Jay in front of him.

"Come back," Jay says.

"What's the point?" Carlos asks, feeling defeated.

"What's the point?" Jay repeats. "The point is it took me years to find you. Not knowing whether you were dead or alive but hoping upon hope that you were out there somewhere, and that I'd get to see you again."

"Jay, stop it. I don't need this," Carlos says desperately. "You don't get it. You're making me get used to being comfortable, to being warm at night, and sleeping without being afraid. I can't afford to do that. I have gotten used to a certain kind of life and you're fucking that up. It's going to be so much harder to go back to it after being with you."

"But I-" Jay starts, only for Carlos to cut him off.

"No, listen," he says, "you may not want to hear this, Jay, but that kid you remember no longer exists. He is long gone. You need to accept it."

"Don't say that," Jay says upset. "Like I shouldn't even try. You were like my other half. There was a time when we could barely go five minutes without each other."

"We were kids, alright? We were friends once upon a time but I think now it's time we call it what it is," Carlos says, looking up at Jay with sad yet determined eyes.

"You don't know me anymore, I don't know you. This isn't some fairytale where we live happily ever after. You can't fix this. It's been too long," Carlos' breathing starts to hitch once he finishes.

Jay stares down at him for a while, taking in every feature, the way his lips quiver and his dark eyelashes fan against his freckled cheeks when he blinks. He nods his head, mind made up.

"I don't care what you say," he says simply. "You are still Carlos, and I am still Jay. And there is _nothing_ pointless about that."

He kneels down so he is eye level with Carlos.

"Please? Please come back?"

"No," Carlos says, shaking his head frantically. "I'd rather be living rough, working the streets and paying my own way, then become someone else's pet," Carlos' voice gets increasingly desperate as he continues. "I know I'm just a whore but I do still have some principles. I'm not going to be your kept boy, Jay."

Jay nods. "You're right, you should be able to pay your own way. But what if you were paying your own way doing something different?" he asks.

Carlos tilts his head curiously. "What do you mean?"

Jay takes a deep breath before he speaks. "I want to give you a job."

"A job?" Carlos repeats.

"Yeah. A modelling job."

"Have you been listening to anything I've been saying? I don't want your handouts," Carlos says angrily.

"It's not a handout," Jay assures carefully. "It's not even my idea, it's Ben's. He wants you to be the face of the new line. Him and Evie agreed on it before I even knew about it."

He's telling Carlos the truth. Ben and Evie had come to him early in the week while Carlos and Lonnie were out picking up lunch. He hadn't said anything yet, because he wasn't sure how to approach Carlos about it without him reacting badly. Like he is now.

"This is insane. I am not a model. They're only doing this because they feel sorry for me," Carlos says.

"No," Jay says firmly. "Ben is an honest person and he doesn't do anything without good reason. He saw you in the clothes, made sure Evie saw you too, and decided you were the person he wanted modelling them. It's that simple."

"I can't do this," Carlos says, shaking his head.

"You can. You can continue staying with me until you find a new place like we agreed. And while doing so, you take this job and you make some money, real money, Carlos."

"I don't even know how to be a model," Carlos says.

"You wear the clothes, I take the shots. You may have to attend the launch party, but I'll be with you the whole time. After that, if you hate it, you can close bank and be done with it," Jay says matter of fact.

Carlos looks down at the ground and sighs, before looking back up at Jay.

"People like me don't become models. This is too much, you know it is," he says quietly.

It is then that Jay realizes it's not just the idea of the offer being a handout that bothers him, Carlos doesn't think he can do it, doesn't think he's good enough.

"I know you sell yourself short," Jay says softly.

"No," Carlos says sniffing. "I just sell myself."

"You don't have to," Jay says, reaching out and putting his hands on Carlos' knees so he looks him straight in the eye.

"Let me help you. Please? Please let me?" Jay says.

Carlos stares at him, really stares at him, searching Jay's face for a malice that just is not there.

"Okay," he answers.

"Okay?" Jay says, fingers pressing just that little bit into his thighs where they rest.

"Okay."

* * *

They're in Jay's car, driving back to the loft when Carlos speaks again for the first time since they left the car park. He takes a deep breath before he begins, as if building up the courage to say what he needs to.

"I just want to say I'm not sorry for what I did, but I am sorry where I did it. That was wrong of me. That's your studio, your space, and I shouldn't have disrespected it like that... So I'm sorry."

Carlos stares at the road ahead of him, as if unable to look at Jay's face while talking about what had happened.

"I wouldn't have found you if you'd left and gone somewhere else," Jay says shrugging.

He's not angry at Carlos anymore, just glad he has him back, safe and sound by his side.

"Yeah, but then you wouldn't have had to know, and no one would have got upset, and none of this would have happened," Carlos says.

"I'd rather know."

"Well, I'd rather you didn't," Carlos says, sinking into his seat. "Some things are better kept secret."

Jay looks over at Carlos curiously for a second and Carlos catches his glance.

"What?" he asks.

"Have you..." Jay trails off.

"Have I what?"Â Carlos insists.

"Have you been with anyone else since you came to stay with me?" he asks.

"That's none of your business," Carlos says quickly.

But now Jay's asked, he won't be satisfied until he gets an answer.

"Have you?" he pushes.

"Why do you need to know?" Carlos asks exasperated.

"_Just tell me_."

Carlos huffs, but reluctantly answers, "No. Not since that night with Harry."

"You slept with Harry?" Jay splutters.

"What? No...! I mean, yeah. But not that night," Carlos says. "I just meant not since that night when you saw me leave with that guy and tried to stop me. And then there was today..." Carlos finishes awkwardly.

Jay slowly nods and doesn't say anything for a moment.

"Is Harry like an ex or something?" he eventually asks.

"No," Carlos says bluntly.

"But you slept with him?"

Carlos shakes his head in disbelief at Jay's never-ending questions, but answers anyway.

"He provided me with a place to crash when my landlord was being a dick. I provided him with an orgasm."

Jay frowns in distaste at Carlos' blunt choice of words but continues.

"So he was like another client then?"

"Not really. I mean, we had our fun for a while but..."

"But not anymore?" Jay finishes for him.

"No, not anymore. Believe it or not, the taste of blood in my mouth after being hit in the face is a bit of a turn off," he says sarcastically.

Jay ignores him. "But you said he got handsy and then hit you? So you turned him down before that?"

"Yes," Carlos groans, becoming increasingly impatient.

"Why didn't you want to sleep with him?"

Carlos turns and glares at the side of Jay's face incredulously as he drives, unable to comprehend why Jay is so interested in Harry.

"He's gotten rough before, but it had been a while and he was being nice doing me a favor so I thought maybe..." Carlos says, letting Jay fill in the rest of that sentence. "But then... he started talking about you," Carlos says carefully.

"Me? What about me?" Jay asks, screwing his face up.

"What do you think?" Carlos says, implying the answer to the question is obvious.

Jay furrows his brow, Harry had wanted to beat the shit out of him that night. He assumes he must have still wanted to later. Was he threatening Jay in front of Carlos?

Carlos can see the confusion on his face and so just tells him.

"He talked about me fucking you," Carlos says.

"Oh," Jay says quietly.

"Yeah."

"And you didn't like that," Jay says, it's not a question.

"I didn't like that," Carlos confirms.

"But whatever," Carlos says clearing his throat, trying to shake the awkwardness that has suddenly crept between them. "Harry is mostly harmless. Just has a short fuse when he's angry is all."

"Don't say whatever," scolds Jay. "He's a piece of shit and if he ever comes near you again I'm going to return the favor and bust his lip open."

"Yeah, okay. Easy killer," Carlos says chuckling.

But Jay doesn't laugh, giving Carlos a look that lets him know he's serious, before pulling the car into the buildings car park and turning the engine off.

Carlos starts climbing out of his seat, but stops before closing the door behind him, peering at Jay over the car's roof.

"Jay?" he calls out hesitantly.

"Yeah?" he answers, stopping his movements to look over at him.

"There's a chance I could run into Harry again. Or people like Harry. Promise you won't do anything stupid because of me, get yourself hurt because of something that might have happened."

Jay smiles at him sadly.

"I can't promise that."


	11. [i missed you]

The next morning finds them sitting in Jay's office; Carlos is in Jay's chair, Ben and Evie are sat opposite across from him, and Jay stands quietly observing behind him. On the desk, sitting in between the four of them, is a contract in need of a signature.

Jay had arranged the meeting so Carlos could sign the deal for Bevie, yet so far the encounter has consisted of Carlos interrogating Evie and Ben, making sure that Jay was indeed telling the truth. He needs to know for certain that this was Ben's idea, that Evie has agreed on it, and that the whole thing hasn't been set up at Jay's behest.

Jay has remained silent throughout the entire conversation so far. Carlos had scolded him and warned him about interrupting the minute the meeting began, wanting to hear the story of how all this came about from Evie and Ben only. Jay wanted to argue, but he found Carlos' blunt attitude slightly intimidating. He always knew the small boy could hold his own, he's just not used to the sass being directed towards him.

Carlos stares down the designers sitting opposite him suspiciously.

"So this was really all you? You really want me to be the one to represent Bevie?" he asks.

Ben nods his head seriously. "I like to think I'm a nice guy, and I like you already, Carlos. But I take my business very seriously, I wouldn't be doing this if I didn't think you were perfect for the job."

"And you?" Carlos asks, eyeing Evie. "You think I can do this?"

"You're an interesting person Carlos, and before Ben even suggested it, the minute you came down to _E4H_ dressed in the designs, I knew you were the new face for Bevie."

Carlos nods his head slowly before letting out a deep breath. He looks back up at Jay and reaches out his hand.

"Pen?"

Jay, who had been holding the pen in his hand since they entered the room, hands it over carefully without a word. Carlos pulls the papers close to him and before he can change his mind, signs his name above the dotted line, still not quite believing what he is getting himself into. He puts the pen down on the desk with an air of finality and looks up at everyone.

"So? What now?"

Ben smiles. "Well, first we need to set up your bank account so we can get the money side of things sorted. Unless you already have one?"

Carlos snorts. "If I was a high-class escort then maybe, but alas no," he says jokingly.

Ben chuckles, seeming to be the only one who doesn't become uneasy at the mention of Carlos' previous profession. Well, Jay at least hopes it's now his previous profession.

Carlos feels Jay shift uncomfortably behind him at his joke, and Evie, empathetic as always, only offers a small smile, seemingly wary of Jay's discomfort.

"You'll need to do that today then," Ben says.

"Already? I haven't even done anything yet," Carlos says, confused about how it all works.

"This is a signed contract, Carlos. It's not a pay per hour type of deal," Ben answers calmly. "Besides, we were already secretly prepping you with all those fittings, we kind of owe you."

Carlos laughs at that and stands, ready to immediately get started on what he needs to do for the day. However, before he can leave Jay's office, Ben reaches out toward him and takes his hand, shaking it, followed by Evie doing the same.

And with that final gesture, the deal is officially sealed.

* * *

While Carlos has gone out with Lonnie to set up his bank account and organize anything else she deems necessary now that he is to be modelling, Jay continues with his work back at the studio. He is anxious having Carlos out of his sight after what happened the night before, but he trusts Lonnie.

Jay regrets how angry he got in front of Carlos, and he knows despite the fact Carlos would never admit it, he had scared him. After what he saw of Harry and the resulting marks on Carlos' face, coupled with what he can only imagine he would have encountered working the streets at night, Carlos has already had his fair share of people scaring him, and Jay feels sick thinking he could be another one to add to the list.

He had tried asking Carlos about what exactly had happened with Gaston LeGume once they got back to the loft last night, but Carlos had been reluctant to answer. From the vague responses he did get, he was able to gather that he was an old client, and that he offered Carlos money once he had found him in Jay's office.

At first Jay couldn't understand why Carlos would do it, why he would accept the offer. Especially after they had agreed he didn't need to, at least while he was staying with Jay. This confusion is what had contributed to his anger, the not knowing why Carlos would insist upon doing it when Jay was making sure there was no reason to. But eventually he had thought back on what Mal had said to him in Uma's office, about Carlos just doing what he knows, about him giving up on the idea of things ever changing.

He realizes now that it wasn't about the money, or even about what Carlos had wanted, it was about what Carlos thinks he deserves. That instead of fighting for change, Carlos had simply accepted his fate. Mal's words echo through Jay's mind;

Sometimes when people have been treated really badly, they decide to stop hoping for anything better, hurts less that way.

Jay doesn't really know what happened to Carlos in all the years he was missing, and he doesn't know how to even begin to ask to find out, but what he does know is he's never going to let something bad happen to him ever again. He hasn't done a very good job of keeping that from happening so far, but he will change that. Carlos will learn that it's okay to hope for things, he will learn that things can get better.

* * *

When Carlos arrives back at the building he heads straight to the studio, it feels different standing in the open space now that he is supposed to be modelling. He is trying to accustom himself with the idea of it, of having his photograph taken. He can't actually remember the last time he was even around a camera. They once did a group photo at the group home, Carlos remembers standing on the tips of his toes trying to be as tall as Jay. And there was a time where one of his foster parents dressed him up in clothes too big so he'd look nice for a photo. But that would have been around when he was eight or nine. He's nineteen now, and finds the idea of seeing himself in a photo oddly daunting.

Carlos glances down at the new phone in his hand, Jay had insisted before he left that this was to be his first order of business. Carlos had rolled his eyes at the time, but a very serious Jay had explained to him that if he didn't come back with a phone in which Jay could contact him on, he was fixing a tracking monitor to his ankle.

Carlos unlocks the phone and taps the camera icon, flipping it to the front-facing view. He takes a quick look around to make sure no one is watching him, before he snaps a shot of himself. He looks at the picture, unimpressed with what he sees and even more doubts begin to fill his mind. He hopes Jay is as skilled a photographer as everyone suggests. Carlos hasn't even seen him holding a camera.

Carlos eventually goes to sit at the desk at the back of the studio, chewing his lip as he watches Jay manhandle a lengthy piece of drywall. He has painted it white and currently has a measuring tape out, trying to cover up half of one side with a sheet. It's for protection so when they start painting the graffiti side they won't spill over onto the white.

When Jay had told Carlos his idea, he had immediately asked him who he was getting in for the graffiti design. Jay didn't know, and had even suggested trying to do it himself, much to Carlos' amusement. He knew immediately that he had to get Mal the gig. Mal has always looked out for him, ever since they first met, and it was time Carlos returned the favor. He may be uncomfortable with Jay throwing his money at him, but he has no problem with allowing Mal to benefit from the generosity of his old friend.

Mal is supposed to be coming in this afternoon. Carlos had stopped off at Ursula's with Lonnie before they went to the bank, telling her about the opportunity. Mal had been reluctant at first, not particularly wanting to get involved with Jay and his business. It wasn't that she didn't like Jay, Mal was just careful of the fact that whatever is going on between Carlos and him, may not end well, and she'd rather not get tangled up in that if it doesn't. However, she's never really been given a platform in which she can share her art, and partnered with the fact that she finds it very hard to tell Carlos de Vil no, she had agreed.

When Jane comes into the studio with Mal in tow, Carlos is nervous. He knows that Jay and her have already met, but it wasn't on the best of terms and so did not go very well. He wants them to get along though, he wants them to like each other. Jay is his oldest friend, and Mal has been his only friend in last five years, so he needs them to get along. Carlos is still not completely happy with his past and present colliding, but if it's going to happen, he wants it to at least happen as smoothly as possible.

Carlos is quick to greet Mal, wanting to take her up to the loft and show her around the building, but Jay cuts in before he can ask.

"Hey, Mal, I'm glad you came," Jay says, coming up behind Carlos and placing his hands on his shoulders.

"C said you were in need of an artist," Mal says coolly.

Carlos wants to interrupt their stilted exchange, but Jay is using his grip on Carlos' shoulders to maneuver him to the side and basically out of the conversation.

At first he's a little offended, he's the one who knew about Mal's talents and got her here. But he soon realizes that this is business, and Jay is taking a professional approach with Mal. Perhaps it's because Carlos had told Jay about Mal's apprehension when taking the job, or perhaps it's just because like Ben had said that morning, they take their business very seriously, either way, Carlos is just happy to see them being civil. Mal seems to appreciate Jay's candor, he can tell his friend is already relaxing as she listens to Jay explain what he is looking for.

Carlos follows them over to where they now stand next to the drywall laid out on the ground.

"I've also bought some paints, and if you were to take the job you can use them how you want and keep whatever you like later. I tend to always be in the studio somewhere, so should be here if you need anything or have any questions, and that's pretty much it. What do you say?" Jay asks.

Mal looks over the contents laid out on the floor before looking back up at Jay and nodding.

"I say _okay_," Mal says. "But I don't need none of that fancy stuff," she quips, scooting a paint can aside with her foot.

She takes her backpack off and empties its contents, and Carlos laughs weakly as all the cheap spray cans come tumbling out. Jay just smiles and watches as Mal begins to shake one, ready to begin. He likes her.

Jay turns on Carlos once Mal starts to work.

"And you," he says pointing at him, "need to go into the change room, there's some Bevie stuff in there for you to put on. I want to do some test shots, get an idea of angles and lighting."

Carlos is slightly taken aback, not quite feeling ready for this just yet, but heads to the change room anyway. In the meantime, while he gets into the new clothes, Jay starts setting up his camera. Preparation is key for Jay, and while he does want to get an idea on what works for Carlos, he also wants to get Carlos used to being in front of a camera. He seemed nervous about modelling when Jay had first asked, so he wants to build his confidence and make him more comfortable.

Jay may also have an ulterior motive, he has been itching to photograph Carlos from the moment he saw him. So maybe a part of this is a little for his own selfish reasons, but then again, you can never be too prepared.

* * *

While Mal has been painting, Carlos has been standing in front of a blank backdrop following Jay's directions. At first Jay had started off slow and easy, just getting him to stand facing the camera, arms at his sides, face neutral. Jay could tell he felt a little awkward at first, but soon enough Carlos' inner queen showed herself, and the diva was pouting and lip biting more often than not.

Jay has plugged his camera into his computer to take a closer look at how the photos are looking, and the sight of the young boy creates a stirring deep in his chest. They hadn't bothered with make-up for a practice shoot, but Carlos' lips are still a shining bright red. Jah can't help but think about what Carlos' full lips would look like pressed up against the mesh screen of a window all these years later.

It is getting late and Mal's already left and gone home, having completed half of the Beast B's side of the backdrop. So far it looks impressive, better than Jay could have ever possibly imagined. There's images of men with half faces of humans and half beasts, piano keys in swirling patterns, blue smoke clouds, and a couple of crowns. It's insanely beautiful.

He's left Carlos under the bright studio lights, lounging in a chair he had incorporated into the shoot. Carlos is fiddling with his new phone in a tight pair of black Bevie skinny jeans, no shirt, and an open leather jacket with a long fringe lining the sleeves and front breast pockets. He had started with a shirt on and looked adorably smart in it, but the more confident he became, the more Jay wanted to see just how suggestive the boy could be. Sex does sell after all. And with his slightly parted lips, wide eyed expression and jutting sharp ribs and collarbones, Jay was sure they'd be selling a lot.

This is how Ben and Lonnie find them, Jau studying his newly taken photos and Carlos studying his newly purchased phone. It's late, later than Jay realised, and they have come up to say their goodbyes before leaving for the day. Lonnie goes over to Carlos first, and Jay smiles as she cuddles up to him.

"Is this for the shoot?" Ben asks, drawing Jay's attention to where he stands in front of Mal's drying work.

"Yeah, it's the backdrop," Jay says, not moving from where he is seated at his desk.

"Who did this?" Ben asks, bending down to look closer at the individual designs.

"Carlos' friend, Mal. She's an artist," Jay answers.

Benjamin nods slowly, eventually standing back up and walking towards Carlos to fiddle with the fringe on his sleeves, the designer in him unable to help himself.

Lonnie leaves them to it, and finally comes over to talk with Jay. She comes up behind him and looks over the shots Jay has uploaded, before glancing back up at a seated Carlos laughing with Ben.

"It's strange," she says.

"What's strange?" Jay asks.

"Well. You'd think that from spending all those years in the streets he'd be a lot harder and rougher looking than us. And yet he looks so fragile in comparison. So sweet and innocent."

Jay looks over at Carlos. Lonnie is right. He still looks like that little boy he once knew. Except his eyes. His eyes hold this emptiness that was never there before. He wonders when it happened, when the emptiness sunk in. The last time he had seen him they had been nine and twelve, but he wonders how soon after that did things begin to change.

Jay was sent to live with George and Mary Tull just after he had turned twelve, and like always, a week into his stay, he had sneaked out the house after dinner, planning to meet Carlos at the park. He actually liked the Tulls from the very first time he met them, but their week was up and it was time to return to Carlos. However, as he had walked to the driveway, the sound of an engine starting and a familiar face had stopped him in his tracks.

Sitting inside the car was George, a small smile on his face as he gestured towards Jay.

"Come on, kid," he said. "You better get in."

Jay did as he was told and had sat sullenly in the passenger seat next to him, upset at getting caught and preparing for the imminent scolding.

"So then, you're going to have to give me the directions to this park," George had said.

Jay had whipped his head around to look at him in shock.

George just chuckled. "The social worker may have told me about you and your friend's little deal. So come on, which way are we going?"

Jay had cautiously given him the directions, slightly put off by this new turn of events but happy to be heading to see Carlos all the same.

"You know, I get it. The running away thing," George starts. "I wouldn't want to be dumped with some random strangers and taken away from my best friend either."

Jay didn't look at George as he spoke, but he listened.

"But I do think if you gave it a chance you might not mind it. You can go to a good school, find out what you like, what you want to do with your life. You're a good kid Jay, and if you gave yourself a chance you could become a good man. But if you keep running all the time, you won't have anything stable to come back to, nothing in your life to build from. Nor will your friend."

"I can't leave him," Jay had said quietly.

Even at twelve, Jay had understood what George was saying. They were getting older, and between the shitty public school they got sent to and constantly moving to new homes, their grades and future aspirations hadn't been all that promising. But leaving Carlos was not an option.

"You don't have to leave him. You can visit him all the time. I'll drive you, just like I am now. You have my word. And then eventually I'll teach you how to drive, and you can go see him yourself," George had answered.

Jay didn't reply, just sat quietly contemplating with his own thoughts.

Once they had arrived at the park, George had simply told him the decision was up to him, before letting Jay out to quickly scurry towards the tiny figure of his best friend sitting on the park bench.

And that's the moment Jay convinced Carlos that they should stay. He remembers looking into those big brown eyes and telling him that they'll see each other all the time, and that when they are older and don't need looking after anymore, it'll just be them forever.

Jay would only see him once more after that.

Carlos had agreed with what Jay had said that night, and they had made plans to meet each other in the same spot a week later. Carlos never showed. The Tulls tried to find out who Carlos' foster family was from the social worker, but they weren't allowed to release the information for privacy reasons.

One month in and with George still driving Jay to the park at the end of every week, Jay had arrived to finally find Carlos weakly waving at him as he got out of the car. He would tell Jay he had been sick and that's why he hadn't been able to come, and Jay would believe him because of Carlos' smaller frame, sickly pallor and vacant eyes. He could tell something was off, he remembers the distinct feeling in his gut of something being very wrong with Carlos, but he had put it down to the fact he had been ill and dismissed it.

That is the last memory he has of Carlos as a boy, small, pale and weak. Jay realizes that the vacant eyes he saw that night are the same ones now, they haven't changed from when he was nine.

* * *

Everyone's gone home and Jay is still taking photos of Carlos. He got him to put the new Bevie silver bracelet on, and is having him display his wrist with a hand in his hair, and keep his lips parted as Jay goes for a more close-up shot.

He pauses for a minute and studies Carlos' face.

"I think for these close-ups it'd be good to have your hair wet, you know? I'll edit them in black and white, except for Mal's art over your shoulder, yeah, that'll work." Jay is nodding to himself, not really talking to Carlos.

He walks over to his desk and grabs his water bottle, and brings it over to where Carlos is still standing quietly. He cups his hand and pours some water into it, before running his fingers through Carlos' white hair and slicking it back. When he glances down he sees Carlos is smirking at him, and he smiles back sheepishly.

"Sorry, I can get a little carried away," Jay says.

He lifts the camera and takes another shot, thinking about how he'll go over these later and show them to Evie and Ben, get their opinions on what should make it to the billboards and such. Jay is taken out of his thoughts when still looking through the lens of his camera, he notices a single drop of water making its way down Carlos' temple.

He pulls the camera away from his face and reaches a hand out to wipe it away, the pad of his thumb slowly gliding across the skin of Carlos' cheek, before unable to help himself, swiping its way over those full lips he has been staring at all day. Carlos stays still, allowing the touch.

Jay leans in without thinking, his thoughts jumbled due to the close proximity of the smaller boy. But when their eyes lock he sees it again, the hollowness in his stare.

"What happened?" Jay asks quietly, face inches from Carlos. "Why'd you disappear?"

Carlos practically recoils at the question, taking a step back and looking away dismissively.

"It doesn't matter anymore."

"It matters to me," Jay says.

"It was nine years ago, Jay. Let it go," Carlos snaps.

"No, I don't want to. Tell me what happened," Jay says angrily.

"Why? Why do we have to dredge up the past?" Carlos yells. "Why can't we just leave it alone?"

"Because you left me alone!" Jay shouts, voice breaking.

They both go quiet. Jay's heavy and uneven breathing filling the silence. He turns away and walks over to his desk, putting his camera down. He always feels so weak around Carlos.

There's suddenly a hand at his elbow and he turns.

"I'm sorry," Carlos says in shaky voice, looking down at the ground.

Jat stares at him and reaches a hand up, pushing his fingers through the damp strands of Carlos' hair, causing him to look up at him. He smiles down at him despite the tears in his eyes.

"I missed you," he says.

Carlos nods his head as his own tears make their way to his eyes.

"I missed you too."

Jay steps forward and wraps his arms around Carlos, holding the smaller boy to his chest. He has wanted to do this from the moment he first saw him on the street, and he smiles into his dark hair when he feels Carlos' arms tightly squeezing him back.


	12. [it was me]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ayy what up

It's another Friday night and the drinks have already started flowing at _Cobra Studios_. Carlos doesn't feel completely comfortable around all the other employees, but now that he actually qualifies as one himself, he at least feels a little more like he belongs. It's obvious that word has gotten around he is the new model for _Bevie_, everyone has taken the time to welcome and congratulate him on signing the deal, and Carlos has been doing his best to not feel too awkward about it.

He stays with Lonnie for most of the night, using the fact she intimidates a large portion of the staff as a way to avoid their increasing interest in him. Lonnie's already warned him that some people have been asking questions about what happened with Gaston LeGume, and while Carlos refuses to be ashamed of himself, he doesn't want to be on the receiving end of their interrogations. This is also why he has been doing his best to give Jay a wide berth for the night, with rumors already beginning to circulate around him, he doesn't want people misinterpreting their relationship and getting the wrong idea about how he landed the job.

It's difficult though, he finds himself naturally gravitating towards the taller man, and the fact that Jay is slightly intoxicated at this present moment, isn't helping with keeping his more affectionate side at bay. Several times this evening he has unexpectedly found himself in the arms of his oldest friend. Carlos isn't totally comfortable with this newfound affection yet, but he still can't help but wrap his smaller frame around him in return. He likes Jay's hugs, he really does. It's just been a while since anyone has wanted to _just_ hug him.

Carlos is currently pressed into Jay's side at this very moment. After Ben had started chatting with Jane and another girl he recognizes from Evie's staff, Jay had made his way over to them, flinging an arm around him to rest on his shoulder. Carlos is finding it difficult to focus on anything but the weight of it as they chat to Evie and Lonnie. He keeps worrying that people are staring, worrying that people will think that Jay's the 'type', like LeGume had said. Carlos isn't sure if anyone actually knows what happened that day with Gaston, or what Carlos had been doing for money previously, but it'd only take one to find out and the news would spread like wildfire.

When he notices two girls looking over at him, Carlos grabs Jay's free hand that's hanging against his chest in order to get his attention.

"I've just realized I don't have my phone. I think I left it in your office so I'm just going to go take a look," Carlos says, quickly slipping out from underneath Jay's arm before he can answer him.

He walks down the corridor without looking back at Jay, keeping his head down but awkwardly smiling at anyone who meets his eyes as he goes. He had purposely left his phone in the office and didn't really need to check for it, but it gave him a good excuse to put some distance between him and Jay. So when he enters the office and finds his phone exactly where expected, he just stares at his lock screen for a while, smiling at the photo of Dude he has saved.

"So it looks like congratulations is in order after all."

Carlos jumps at the sound of the voice and spins on his heel to find Chad leaning against the doorframe of the office, beer bottle dangling half empty from his left hand.

"Shit. You scared me," Carlos says, pressing a hand over his heart as he collects himself. "But thanks."

Chad smiles tightly. "Yeah, I heard about it this morning," he says, pushing away from the doorway and stepping further into the room. "Heard _a lot of things_ actually."

Carlos swallows tightly at the sharp edge to Chad's voice before answering.

"Oh? And what exactly might those things have been?" Carlos asks evenly, well aware of the possibility this conversation is about to get ugly.

"Oh, you know," Chad answers, voice casual yet mocking. "Something about special favors and you on your knees."

Carlos clenches his jaw at that, shocked at Chad's blunt words, and wonders just who it is that has been talking.

"Who told you that?"

Chad chuckles and takes another few steps closer to Carlos.

"It's good to make connections when you're in this industry, you obviously know something about that, and LeGume's secretary isn't as tight-lipped as Jane."

Carlos eyes Chad as he gets increasingly closer, feeling a sense of déjà vu from when Gaston had approached him in this office.

"You had said you weren't even a model the last time we spoke, but I suppose you're pretty enough," he continues, close enough now that Carlos can smell the alcohol on his breath.

"Back off," Carlos says quietly. He doesn't want to attract anyone's attention, lest more rumors be encouraged.

"What? I'm not good enough?" Chad asks before scoffing. "Of course not. Fucking me won't get you anywhere. But it sure could be fun."

He runs a finger down Carlos' cheek and leers at him. "Come on, _smile that pretty boy smile_."

Carlos slaps his hand away. "Don't touch me."

Chad doesn't budge though, and leans even closer. "Don't be like that, I bet you wouldn't be hesitating if it were Jay asking."

"Get the fuck off of me," Carlos sneers, stepping around Chad and towards the door.

Chad grabs one hand at his wrist and grips Carlos' waist with other one to prevent him from leaving, hard enough to hurt.

"What the fuck?" Carlos says, whipping around to glare at Chad. "Let go of me," he demands.

Carlos feels his grip loosen and watches as Chad all of a sudden becomes nervous. Carlos starts to feel slightly impressed with himself, until he notices Chad's frightened eyes are not trained on him. Carlos follows his line of sight and looks to the doorway behind him, and comes face to face with Jay.

Jay's eyes darken as he stares past Carlos at where Chad's hand still slightly clasps his wrist, and when Carlos notices his eyes shift to Chad himself, he can see the way Jay's face changes to one filled of pure rage. Carlos knows what's about to happen.

"Jay, wait-"

Before he can say anymore, Jay is throwing himself at Chad, grabbing him by the front of his t-shirt and pulling him out of his office. Jay's teeth are bared as he slams him against one of the walls in the hallway.

"You fucking piece of shit!" he growls, pulling Chad forward only to slam him back against the wall again.

"Jay, stop!" Carlos says desperately, coming up close next to him and putting a hand on his shoulder. "Please, stop."

"Why?" Jay asks, eyes darting to Carlos for a second before back to Chad. "I should knock his fucking teeth out!"

Jay's face is screwed up in anger, and Carlos can tell he is struggling to not just rip Chad to pieces. Before Carlos can try and convince Jay to let him go, a voice from further down the hallway draws both of their attention.

"Jay!" Evie calls, walking determinedly yet calmly over to them with Lonnie by her side.

Carlos looks further behind him and sees Ben ushering people back out towards the studio, their altercation obviously peaking people's interest. This was exactly what Carlos hadn't wanted, just another reason to trigger people's growing curiosity with their bosses' new choice of model.

"Jay, I'll take care of this. Let him go," Lonnie says to him carefully, and she slowly edges between the two men so she can grab Chad by the arm and drag him away from Jay.

"He's done working here," Jay spits out, panting.

Lonnie nods, pushing Chad further down the hallway. "Don't worry, Jay. He's leaving."

She pushes Chad again, Evie following them, and they walk to the end of the hallway where they're met by Ben, Jane and one of their security guys, Jace, ready to escort Chad out of the building.

Jay is seething as he paces back into his office, fists clenched at his sides as he kicks the chair Chad had just had Carlos cornered against. Carlos makes his way over to him quietly and grabs his hands.

"Hey, it's okay," he says softly, forcing Jay to unclench his fists and weaving their fingers together. "Everything's okay."

Jay tilts his head back and stares at the ceiling for a moment, trying to get a handle on himself. When he looks back down at Carlos he pulls their hands apart and reaches up to grip either side of his face. He draws Carlos in and leans his head down to rest his forehead against Carlos' own, closing his eyes and breathing him in.

Carlos stares at Jay's face mere inches away, eyes wide and worried, and Jay just rests against him until he can feel himself calm and the anger begin to dissipate. Eventually he takes one last deep breath and pulls back.

"I think I'm going to work for a while, okay? I'll meet you up at the loft later," Jay says, nodding and taking a step back from him, before walking behind his desk.

Carlos watches as Jay keeps his eyes downcast and focused on setting up his laptop. He hesitates for a moment, trying to think of something to say, before just silently leaving the room.

* * *

When Jay finally leaves his office that night, the studio is completely empty and everyone has headed home for the evening. Ben had come in briefly to ask him about what had happened, confirming what he had already been able to figure out on his own. Lonnie and Evie had also come in to say goodbye, but neither mentioned the events that had occurred earlier that evening, and Jay had refused to come out and speak with anyone else.

When the doors of the elevator open up and he steps into the loft, Jay is surprised to find Carlos is still up, sitting on the couch with a blanket draped around his shoulders, knees tucked up under his chin. Jay lets out a deep sigh and makes his way over to where he sits, throwing himself down and stretching out on his back, head coming to rest near Carlos' smaller body.

"Are you okay?" Jay asks quietly, staring at Carlos' closed eyes.

Carlos nods. "Just have a headache," he answers, hand coming up to rub at his face.

Carlos lays there silently, trying not to focus on the throbbing of his temples. He could feel the ache coming on while, but he had pushed through it and kept going. As Carlos thinks about what a mistake it was to have continued, he feels a hand settle in his hair. He stays completely still as Jay begins to gently run his fingers through the soft strands, enjoying the light touch and not wanting to do anything to break the moment.

Jay moves his hand carefully, unsure why he decided to reach out and touch the younger boy in the first place, but continuing anyway.

"I'm sorry about tonight," Carlos finally says after a while, Jay's hand leaving in his hair.

Jay just lets out another sigh, sitting up and shaking his head. "Just... don't, okay? I'm tired, we should both probably just go to bed."

Carlos doesn't say anything, just gets up and makes his way to the spare room, and Jay does the same, mentally kicking himself for the way he had just spoken to him. He isn't angry with Carlos, he is angry with himself. Because again, someone had put their hands on Carlos, and again, Jay had lost his temper. Carlos has nothing to apologize for, Jay had just been so uncontrollably angry when he walked in and saw how the bigger man had such a forceful grip on his friend's smaller wrist. And when he realized what was going on, he lost it.

Jay changes quickly into a pair of sweatpants and begins pacing in his room. It only takes a few moments for him to snap, unable to take it anymore. He needs to tell Carlos that he isn't upset with him, that what happened wasn't his fault. He can't let him go to sleep thinking Jay blames him for what had happened. He makes his way out of his room and walks to Carlos', determined to say what he needs to.

"'Los?" he calls out, knocking on the door and pushing it open.

Jay usually waits for people to tell him it's okay to come in before entering someone's room, but he has been drinking, and is so focused on talking to Carlos that he has forgotten his manners. It's obvious he didn't give Carlos enough warning when he opens the door, but Jay is glad he didn't, otherwise he doubts the small boy would have ever told him about what he's been doing at night.

Carlos' bed sits in the middle of the room untouched, and on the ground, behind where Carlos awkwardly stands startled, is the throw blanket and a pillow pushed up against the wall. Jay knows what's going on immediately, he remembers Carlos' fears when it came to sleeping in the night. Carlos had once told him that if he stayed at a foster home where the bed wasn't pressed against the wall, he would camp out on the floor. He just didn't realize it would still be happening, and it breaks his heart to think that all this time he had thought Carlos was sleeping in a comfortable bed, he had been curled up on the cold floor.

"Still?" he asks quietly.

Carlos just looks down at the ground, ashamed that he hasn't grown out of his childhood habits. He had been dreading something like this would happen and Jay would find out.

Jay nods to himself, making up his mind.

"Okay. Come on," he says, and Carlos looks up confused, watching as Jay leaves the room.

He starts to hear Jay shuffling things around in his own room, and Carlos tentatively follows him out into the hallway so he can look in.

Jay is dragging one of the bedside tables that sits closest to the furthest wall from the door, out of the way and placing it near the foot of his bed. He then grips the edge of the bed, and begins to push it across the floor, until it is pressed flush against the wall. When he finishes, he pulls the blankets down and turns to Carlos.

He goes to say something, explain himself and what he is suggesting, but instead he just looks back at the bed, and then to Carlos again, hoping he gets the idea. Carlos doesn't react at first, just continues looking at Jay, quietly contemplating.

Jay waits patiently in silence, and is rewarded when Carlos takes a careful step inside the room. He continues to remain quiet as Carlos makes his way over to the bed, just watches as he cautiously kneels on the mattress and crawls across it, settling himself against the wall.

Jay turns the light out and just as cautiously, gets in on the opposite side, placing himself close to Carlos' body. Not too close that they are touching, but close enough that he can feel Carlos' gentle exhales on the bare skin of his back.

Carlos stares at the smooth expanse of skin in front of him, and slowly, inches forward until he can press his forehead against Jay's back. He lets his eyes drift close, feeling as Jay's breathing begins to gradually even out, and for the first time since he was a child, Carlos feels completely safe in sleep.

* * *

Carlos wakes at some point in the night to the feeling of a heavy weight on his chest. He tenses for a moment in panic, before realizing it's just Jay. He has turned over during the night and wound up effectively pinning Carlos to the mattress with his torso, as if afraid he would lose him in sleep. Carlos looks through the dark at Jay's sleeping face resting in the center of his chest, and then goes back to sleep.

Later, when he wakes again, it must be early morning. He sits himself up a little, despite the arm draped across his chest, and tries to look at the digital clock sitting on Jay's remaining bedside table. He's able to read the time, it's eight in the morning, but there's something else on the table that captures his attention.

He's never really been in Jay's room before, it's the only room in the loft he hadn't dared venture in, and he didn't really take a good look around in the dark morning light when he left Jay his coffee back when he first came to stay. Even last night when he followed Jay in he didn't notice it. But behind the clock, propped up against the wall, is a piece of wood, and even from this distance Carlos can recognize the writing on it.

He carefully leans over a sleeping Jay, taking the wood into his hands, before resuming his previous position, Jay's arm never slipping from his chest. He studies the wooden panel closely, noting the smooth edges where it had obviously been sawed off, and the words roughly carved into its surface.

Carlos had forgotten he did this. It was a last ditch effort before he left the Isle to tell Jay he loved him, that he still thought of him. He never really thought Jay would actually see it, let alone know it was for him and destroy the bench in order to keep it.

Carlos had done it more for himself anyway. He no longer saw Jay, but leaving the Isle felt like he was leaving Jay behind. Even though Jay wasn't technically living there, he was in Agrabah. It was close though. Much closer than where he was going. It felt like it really was the final goodbye, that there really was no longer any chance of them being together again.

"I never knew if it was you."

Carlos looks to his side, surprised to see Jay's awake and watching him. He looks back at the words he had carved into wood so long ago, before turning back to Jay and giving him a small smile.

"It was me."

Jay returns the smile and tightens his grip around Carlos' body, heavy eyes falling close again. Carlos does the same, quickly succumbing back to sleep, his long lost message still clutched in his hands.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i had to re-read my own work to remember what the f i actually tried to do with this story, i hope y'all didn't forget about it like i did djksjqks


	13. [the good stuff]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is more of a filler chapter, which basically means - "this time nothing bad happens and you get some jaylos fluff".

Despite the drama that had ensued with Chad Charming, and the rumors circulating about a possible affair between Carlos and Gaston LeGume, the weeks that follow are fortunately, mostly uneventful. Everyone is too busy preparing for the launch of _Bevie_, that there isn't much time to allow for anything else.

Carlos has been spending most of his time doing the _Bevie_ shoot with Jay, getting up early to have his make-up and hair done, and spending the day constantly changing clothes and having his photos taken. It's a lot more exhausting then he had initially thought, but they've got the major shots for the main campaign already completed. He still needs to model for the entire collection for the online website and other smaller poster advertisements though, but he's actually enjoying the work. It helps having Jay with him, he seems to be able to sense when Carlos is starting to get tired or anxious, and calls for a break just when he needs it.

Mal has been spending an increasing amount of time in the studio too, despite the fact she had managed to finish the backdrop within the first week of starting. Carlos suspects her growing presence has more to do with Evie and Ben than it does with himself.

Ben had insisted on meeting the artist behind the intricate designs for the Beast B's side of the shot, and the the two had hit it off immediately. Carlos doesn't mind though, he has been distracted with Jay lately, and he is hoping Ben, Evie and Mal's newly found friendship will lead to them working on something together.

Carlos planted the idea in Ben's mind weeks ago after he couldn't stop raving about Mal's artwork. Just a simple suggestion that perhaps if Ben likes Mal's designs so much, why doesn't he just put it on a t-shirt? One of the more popular items that _Beast B's_ is known for is their line of graphic tees, and Ben has worked with different artists before to create some of their signature designs, and Carlos just knows that Mal and Ben together would make a perfect partnership.

Carlos hasn't said anything about it to Mal, and Mal hasn't mentioned anything about it to him in turn, so he isn't sure if Ben took the idea seriously or not. Carlos isn't worried though, with the imminent release of _Bevie_, Ben probably has too much on his mind to even begin to think about a new collaboration. Carlos has already planned to just bring it up again later anyhow.

Despite the weeks that have passed and that for once in his life Carlos is enjoying the comfort of a steady income, he has yet to do anything serious about finding his own place. Jay doesn't want to say anything, and actively avoids bringing it up, he is enjoying his friend's company too much. Jay is completely stressed out about the release of the new campaign and is constantly working overtime, but he finds it easier to deal with knowing he is coming home to Carlos. If he's honest with himself, he doesn't know how he's going to cope when Carlos eventually does leave.

Jay has been falling asleep every night with a tired Carlos burrowed against his back, and waking up by morning with an armful of the boy's smaller frame. The night after it first happened, Jay had headed to his bedroom on his own, not knowing how to offer Carlos his bed again without making him uncomfortable. He had been operating mostly on liquid courage and the remaining adrenaline from his almost fight with Chad when he had first done it, but was unsure how to broach the subject now that he was sober and things were calm.

As it turned out he didn't have to worry, Carlos had decided on his own to come to his room, lingering in the doorway, and like Jay, unable to open his mouth and actually voice what he wanted. Jay didn't hesitate when he saw the boy standing there silently pleading with him to let him stay, he just grabbed for his wrist and pulled him inside the room, steering him towards the bed.

Jay finds comfort in the warmth of Carlos' body pressed against his own, even just the feeling of Carlos' sleeping breaths against his skin is enough to soothe him to sleep. He spent most of his childhood with the smaller boy curled up at his back, and having him in his bed now, is a familiarity he has missed, and a comforting return to normalcy he doesn't ever want to give up.

* * *

It's a Wednesday night and Ben and Evie are up in the studio discussing business with Jay, while Lonnie and Carlos sit on the floor playing with Dude, who Carlos had insisted on bringing down. They had ordered pizza and all sat on the ground eating before things turned to work and Lonnie and Carlos had gotten bored.

"Has Carlos seen this yet?" Evie asks, staring at the final edit that is to wind up on the billboards.

Jay shakes his head, not taking his eyes away from the photograph.

"Carly! Come here," Evie says, mocking him with a newfound nickname she started using way too much. Carlos didn't seem to mind though, so she continued it.

Carlos gets up slowly, smiling at Dude who has plonked himself in Lonnie's lap, before making his way over to where Jay is sitting at the desk at the back of the studio, surrounded by Evie and Ben.

"Yes, Everett?"

"Look," Evie says, ignoring his mocking, smiling and pointing to Jay's computer screen. "You look perfect."

Carlos feels slightly apprehensive when he leans past her to take a close look, but he's actually pleasantly surprised at what he sees.

The photograph shows Carlos standing in front of Mal's dual background, cutting the image in half. He is leaning against the painted artwork, one leg casually crossed in front of the other, left arm hanging idly by his side, and right arm slightly reaching outward and bent at the elbow. His head is inclined upwards, giving the camera more of his chin, and making his lips look fuller.

There is a slight glossiness to his skin, giving him an almost dewy look, and Jay has chosen to go with the fringed leather jacket from their practice shoot. He again has no shirt on underneath, and his right collarbone is half on display as the jacket sits half open exposing his chest. He is wearing the _Bevie_ wet look skinny jeans on his legs, slightly cuffed at the ankle, and a pair of floral print red creepers on his feet.

It's amazing. And Carlos is speechless.

"They'll be up within the week," Jay says, breaking the silence.

He has been staring at Carlos' face ever since he came over, trying to take in his reaction.

"I'll take you out to dinner when they are, and we can drive by one, see it in all its glory," he continues.

Carlos just looks at him and nods, stunned at both what Jay has been able to produce, and the idea of seeing the image enlarged on a billboard for all the world to see.

"I think he's in shock," Ben says, chuckling and throwing an arm over Carlos' shoulder. "You did good, kid."

And although some may not consider it the richest of compliments, Carlos feels like crying at the proud way in which Ben had said it.

* * *

Carlos eventually goes back to sit on the floor with Lonnie and Dude, Ben joining them and using his keys to capture the attention of the inquisitive dog. Jay stays at his desk and just watches them, or more specifically, he watches Carlos.

He is smiling and laughing, making jokes in between cooing at Dude, and Jay can feel the happiness radiating off of him. Carlos isn't always like this, he still can be anxious and defensive around others, but he feels it's becoming a less frequent occurrence, and Jay loves it. Carlos is the only person that can make him so angry he sees red, but he's also the only person that can make him the happiest just by smiling, and it doesn't even have to be at him.

"You're watching him again."

Evie breaks his train of thought and he looks over to her sheepishly, realizing he had completely forgotten she was still standing with him.

"He looks so happy," Jay says, shrugging it off and ignoring the implication in Evie's words.

"He watches you too, you know," Evie says thoughtfully. "I've seen him."

Jay looks back over to Carlos curiously, but his focus is on Ben and Dude.

"You both do it when you think the other isn't looking," she continues, as if in explanation.

"What? We do not," Jay replies scoffing, but even he can tell it sounds forced.

Evie just rolls her eyes and ignores his lame attempt at denial before changing the subject.

"Has he been looking for a new place?"

Jay cringes at the question and pauses before answering, watching Carlos for a moment to make sure he hasn't overheard.

"No, not yet," he says, practically whispering.

"You don't want him to leave, do you?"

Jay doesn't answer, just looks up at her ruefully before bowing his head and sighing.

"You're in love with him, aren't you?" she asks quietly, a knowing look in her eyes.

Jay snaps his head back up at that, glancing over to Carlos again to check he still can't hear their conversation.

"That's not... no," he says, shaking his head awkwardly. "We're just close. It's always been like this, even when we were kids."

"That may be so," she says gently, pausing for a moment before continuing. "But it doesn't necessarily mean you're not in love with him, just that perhaps you always have been."

Again, Jay doesn't answer.

* * *

When Jay gets off work and heads up to the loft, he makes a beeline for the couch where as usual, Carlos is waiting for him. Without hesitation, seconds after he sits himself next to Carlos, Jay lies down next to him, placing his head in Carlos' lap, and as predicted, Carlos immediately begins to gently run his fingers through his hair.

They have been growing more and more comfortable with each other as the weeks have gone by, and have been slowly reverting back to the affection they once displayed as children. Well, Carlos has been slowly reverting back, Jay has just been trying to keep himself in check while Carlos does so.

"How was it today?" Carlos asks quietly.

Jay had been organizing the poster printings for the billboards and insuring the proper lighting effects are present for all displays, and with it taking up most of his day, and Jay staying in the studio late to confirm some final details, Carlos had only really seen him when they had all stopped to eat dinner.

Carlos himself, spent the day in the back room of _Evie's 4 Hearts_, talking with Evie while she did fittings for a number of different models. The whole idea of _Bevie_ was to make clothes that anyone could wear no matter the gender or size, and wanting to show people that, they had brought a series of models in to try on the designs.

Evie had introduced Carlos to each one of them, due to the fact he would be working with all of them eventually. Jay is setting up a shoot so that some of the smaller advertisements and posters will include the different sized and shaped models in the same outfit, showing how the clothes fit both ends of the spectrum.

Carlos was surprised to find a lot of them were actually excited to meet him, and Evie had to keep reminding him he is now the face of a new, highly anticipated androgynous brand, and to the other models in the room, that is a very impressive accomplishment.

"I hate talking on the phone all day," Jay finally groans in response to Carlos' question, closing his eyes. "Makes my head hurt."

Carlos smiles down at him and just continues carding his fingers through his hair, watching as Jay begins to visibly relax. He sometimes thinks Jay is more like a dog than Dude with the way he reacts to being petted.

Jay eventually grabs for the hand Carlos has in his hair, and without letting go, stands up and pulls him towards the hallway. They part ways to change into something more comfortable to sleep in, but soon Carlos is crawling into Jay's bed and settling back against him.

* * *

An hour passes, but neither has fallen asleep. Instead, Jay has pulled Carlos into his arms, and Carlos is listening to the deep rumble in his chest as they quietly talk. They do this sometimes, often if one is having trouble sleeping, just lie together and talk about things. Jay mostly asks questions about Carlos himself, careful not to get too personal, lest he say something that triggers Carlos into pulling away and becoming defensive.

"Where have you been?" he finally asks. "I mean, have you lived anywhere else since you left the Isle?"

Carlos nods and Jay can feel the soft movement against his chest.

"I stayed in Auroria for a while, then Charmington. That's actually where I got my tattoos." Carlos answers, barely a whisper. Of course he never stayed in Agrabah.

Jay reaches a hand up and brushes it over the bone symbol on Carlos' neck, while the smaller boy continues talking.

"I had a regular there who was an actual tattoo artist, he used to do them for me for free."

Jay grumbles in response to that, and Carlos looks up at him with a small smile.

"Stop it. He was nice, okay?" Carlos says, pressing his cheek back against Jay's chest and sighing. "Not all of them were nice," he says quietly.

Jay tightens his hold on him and rests his lips against the soft hair on his head.

"But eventually I ended up here," Carlos continues, clearing his throat, his voice all of a sudden sounding forcibly upbeat.

Jay can tell it's an attempt to change the tone of the conversation, that Carlos doesn't want to elaborate any further on the subject, and despite how much Jay wants to know more about it, he grants Carlos this courtesy and asks a different question.

"When did you leave then?"

"Just after I turned thirteen, I wrote you the message at the park before I left," Carlos answers, relieved at the change of topic.

Jay nods slowly as he does the math in his head.

"The last time I saw you I was twelve," he says. "So you were still there for three whole years, and you never thought about finding me?"

Carlos doesn't answer.

It hadn't been the last time for him. He was twelve years old when he last saw Jay.

And it was in Agrabah.

It had been a particularly bad day that day. Carlos had ran away from home without any real destination in mind, black eye and broken thoughts leading him to the old park. He hadn't been back since the last time he saw Jay two years before, and he certainly hadn't expected to find him there once he arrived, but he did.

He was a fair distance away from the brunette boy, but he knew it was Jay. He was taller than Carlos remembered, his hair longer, but for the most part he was exactly the same. Carlos had barely grown an inch since he was eleven, still just as small, still just as skinny, and easily overpowered.

Carlos' first instinct had been to run to him, run to Jay as fast as he could and just forget about everything that had happened, but the pain in his swelling eye had stopped him. There are some things that just can't be forgotten. And so he had hesitated.

Jay's expression had seemed sad and troubled at first, his brow furrowed and head bowed, but soon his attention was drawn to something in his pocket.

Carlos had watched as he dug his hand into his jeans and pulled out a phone, pressing it to his ear, mouth moving rapidly as he began a conversation. A smile had quickly found its way to Jay's face as he spoke, and he eventually stood up and ran off toward a waiting car parked in the street. Carlos had assumed it must be one of his foster parents inside, driving him to and from the park like last time when Carlos had seen him.

Jay looked happy, carefree, obviously excited about whatever was said to him over the phone. Carlos wonders now if it was Evie on the other end of the line, asking Jay to come over or go out to the movies, just something that _normal_ teenagers did with their friends.

At the time, despite the devastating ache that came with watching Jay walk away from him, even if it was without his knowledge, Carlos was happy too.

Seeing Jay so content and full of life, made Carlos believe he had done the right thing in disappearing, that his bruised body and damaged skin wasn't all for nothing. The feeling was enough to have him turn around and head back home, the image of a smiling Jay getting him through the inevitable antipathy he would encounter upon his return.

In a few years' time it wouldn't be enough, by then he could barely stand his own reflection, and thinking of Jay only made things more painful. So at thirteen, he had returned to the park for the last time and written his goodbye message, before moving on to a life that wasn't much better than the one he left.

Carlos turns in Jay's arms and presses his face into the crook of his neck, taking in a deep breath and regretting the aching silence that has enveloped them. If he closes his eyes he can almost pretend they are kids again, that Jay has pulled him in to share his single bed at the group home, and everything that is going to happen after he turns eleven, hasn't happened yet.

Carlos smiles against Jay's neck and moves his lips to his ear so he can whisper to him.

"You still smell like the good stuff."


	14. [hades]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "ah, yes, it's all coming together."
> 
> a slight warning for a panic attack.

Carlos and Lonnie sit opposite each other in a cheap-looking diner, eggs sitting untouched in front of them, and both looking just as hungover as they feel. The billboards are officially up and Jay had organized for everyone, including Mal, to go out for dinner in celebration the night before. He offered to drive both Carlos and Mal with the plan of stopping along the way to take a good look at one of the billboards, and they ended up parked in a side street so they could get close to one that had been newly set up near the restaurant he had booked, resulting in them meeting the others a little late.

Not that Jay cared, he had watched as Carlos and Mal looked up at the enlarged photograph in awe, no words able to be shared between them, and he couldn't help the happiness he felt at the pair's wordless interaction. Even the pride on Mal's face had Jay grinning, knowing that although she didn't have it as bad as Carlos, she still never thought she'd be in a position where she'd see her art up on such grand display. Watching the two friends smile in amazement at one another made Jay a bit emotional, just so grateful for the role he was able to play in getting them to this point.

The whole night was a good night, probably too good of a night really. They all drank just that little bit too much and were paying for it this morning. Lonnie had decided after trying and failing to ignore her pounding head and growling stomach, to take an early break and make herself feel better by eating a big greasy breakfast. Of course she had convinced a fragile Carlos to come along, practically dragging him out of the studio where he was lounging in Jay's office trying to slowly die in peace. With the food now in front of them though, neither felt like actually eating. Instead they stuck to drinking coffee, leaning sluggishly against the table and nursing their warm drinks in their hands absentmindedly.

The others were still at work, trying to push through their own hangovers. Jay was sitting with Carlos when Lonnie had commandeered his company, and he was not happy he was missing out on a breakfast date. He had too much paperwork and emails to reply to though, one of the many encumbrances of running your own business. Ben and Evie were stuck in the back rooms too, stressed as usual. They had sent off the _Bevie_ designs to the garment manufacturer for production a while back and were receiving the final products today, and there was no chance of them being able to leave during this time.

Carlos is surprisingly quite calm with the fact his image is now being used and displayed for everyone to see. He thought he'd be more wary, worried that perhaps one of his old johns would recognize him and give the game away. He cringes at the thought of Ben, Jay and Evie being embarrassed because of their association with him and what he used to do. But he supposes that any man who does recognize him is probably too ashamed to actually do anything about it. They can't really reveal what Carlos is without having to explain how they know. So he feels they are all relatively safe that this particular aspect of Carlos' life shall continue to remain a secret.

"So..." Lonnie starts a little too casually. "How's things going with Jay?"

Carlos doesn't pick up on her tone at first, too focused on trying not to fall asleep in the booth he's sitting in.

"Yeah, good," he nods.

Lonnie nods awkwardly slow in return.

"That's good," she says.

When Carlos looks up at her he sees she is staring at him with a strange expression on her face, still slowly nodding. He can tell there's something else she wants to say, and he watches her warily in silence, waiting for her to come out with it until he can't stand it anymore.

"What?" Carlos finally asks.

"No, nothing. It's nothing," Lonnie answers defensively, but contradicts herself by continuing. "It's just, Evie said something to me last night and I was wondering..." she trails off.

"Wondering what?" Carlos prompts.

"Is there anything going on between you and Jay?"

Carlos raises his eyebrows in surprise, before answering slowly. "No, there isn't. Why? What did Evie say to you?"

"Oh, nothing really-"

"Lonnie," Carlos interrupts, giving her a stern look.

"She said that Jay's in love with you. Or she _thinks_ he is anyway."

Carlos feels his face getting hot and shakes his head dismissively.

"Jay is not in love with me," he says carefully. "We're just friends."

"Okay," Lonnie says. "I just thought maybe since you guys are always so close, there was a possibility-"

"No," Carlos says, interrupting again and shaking his head. "There's not. We really are just friends."

Carlos finds the whole idea absurd, that someone like Jay could be in love with someone like him. They're friends, always have been, though he can't really blame Lonnie and Evie for thinking otherwise. Carlos can remember other kids noticing how dependent they were on each other when they were little. Unfortunately though, it was always the meaner kids who would notice, and Carlos and Jay would grow up well acquainted with the term 'faggot'.

Carlos understands that even last night probably didn't help with the way people viewed their relationship. An intoxicated Jay and Carlos led to a very handsy Jay and Carlos. They weren't so drunk that they couldn't stand on their own, but based on the way they were attached to each other for most of the night, Carlos can appreciate how it may have seemed that way.

Evie, Lonnie and Ben had been smart enough to take an uber to the restaurant and did the same for the way home. Mal ended up having to drive Jay and Carlos home, she had been the only one to pace herself with the alcohol. A drunken Jay had then invited Mal to crash at the loft once they arrived at the building, and Carlos had been vaguely aware of the questioning look Mal had sent him when Jay had set him up in the spare room. It was the same questioning look she gave him the next morning, and again Carlos found himself explaining that there was nothing going on between Jay and him.

Mal knows that Carlos has had issues with sleeping, so at least she seemed to somewhat accept Carlos' reasons for why he was in Jay's bed that night. Carlos just hopes that this isn't the beginning of a pattern and that people don't keep making assumptions about the two of them. Frankly Carlos finds it embarrassing, he used to sell himself on the streets for god's sake. He doesn't think he's worth Jay's attention as a friend, let alone a lover.

* * *

When Carlos and Lonnie return from their unsuccessful breakfast, they both decide to hang out in the studio and give a miserable Jay some much needed company. He has a shoot scheduled with a client for the next day he is setting up for, and he is anything but pleased about it. Jay's hangover is no better than Lonnie and Carlos', and he's been struggling to remain enthusiastic about work since he woke this morning. With all three of them being a bit delicate, it has been and is going to continue to be, a slow day.

Jay is setting up tripods and lights in the studio space and not paying Carlos much attention when the boy gets his phone out, dialing Lonnie's number, who grins over at him and picks up immediately.

"Yes?"

"Lonnie? It's Carlos," he says, with an over the top friendly phone voice.

Jay looks over at them briefly, but keeps his focus on his equipment in front of him.

"Oh my god! Hey, Carlos! How are you? How's things?" Lonnie replies enthusiastically.

"Not great, to be honest," Carlos says. "I have a pounding headache, nothing to do, and Jay is being boring as fuck."

That warrants Jay's attention and he looks over at Carlos who is cheekily avoiding his gaze.

"Hey! Some of us have work we need to do!" he calls out laughing.

He watches as Carlos puts a hand over his phone and mouths quietly.

"Sorry, I'm actually on the phone right now."

Jay just laughs and continues what he's doing, while listening as Lonnie and Carlos talk about him over the phone to each other like he isn't there. This is what they are still doing when Jane walks in from the foyer. Jay looks up at her expectantly, assuming she has a message to give him, and Carlos and Lonnie stop talking so she can do so.

"Hey, uh, Carlos?" Jane seems unsure of herself. But she does all the time, so Jay doesn't think he should be concerned. "There's someone here to see you. Haaden? Nicholas Haaden? He says you know him."

Jay barely has time to process what Jane has just said when he sees a man in his fourties walking down the corridor towards where Jane stands. He's tall, taller than Jay, and very intimidating. He has yellow eyes, and Jay's pretty sure they aren't natural, until he the man's gaze lands on him. _Yes, they're definitely natural._ He wears a long leather coat and heavy boots, looking as if he's about ready to trample someone down.

Carlos himself is standing close to Jane, holding onto her arm, and Jay watches as he immediately begins to back up in horror, until he has positioned himself behind Jay's body. Jay recognizes this man.

"No. No, please. Get him away. Make him leave," comes Carlos' small and frightened voice. "Jay, please? Make him leave. Make him leave."

There is no time for thinking, Jay strides forward and uses his body to block the man from coming any further down the corridor, Lonnie catching on and doing the same, leaving Carlos with Jane.

"You have to go, sir," Lonnie says, not caring if she comes across as rude.

Nicholas, who seems even more familiar on closer inspection, perhaps not as old as Jay first thought, opens his mouth to protest in a cold voice.

"But I've come all this way," he says sarcastically, faking a caring expression and looking over Jay's shoulder to where Jane now stands protectively in front of Carlos. Jay moves closer to her, trying to block the man's view.

"I don't care. He doesn't want to see you," Jay says, stepping closer again. "Go, or I'll call security."

The man looks up into Jay's unflinching eyes and takes a sure step back. That's when Jay finally recognizes him. Nicholas Haaden, known further as Hades. Noone really knows why he insisted on calling himself like a Greek God, but noone's complaining; it fits him. It fits his strength, his look and his ways of threatening people who are not welcome on his territory. He's also possibly the most famous drug dealer on the Isle, the leader of the most famous gang. And, as far as Jay can remember, he was Carlos' foster father.

Lonnie takes Jay's movement as her cue to move in and puts a hand at Hades' elbow, wordlessly guiding him back down the corridor with Jay hot on their tail. He knows it won't be that easy. Lonnie thinks she 'deafeted' him. She didn't. The only reason he let her guide him out of the building was because he wanted to. And Nicholas' cold laugh echoing through the building only confirms Jay's frightening theory.

He follows them all the way to the elevators and once Hades steps in, he hits the button for the ground floor, staring Jay and Lonnie down as he does so. Once the doors close, he sees Jane running to them, the guilty look she gives him saying it all.

"I'm so sorry, Jay! I asked him to wait in the foyer, I didn't mean-"

"Hey, hey, it's okay," Jay assures her gently, nodding at Lonnie who wordlessly asks for a permission to go get Carlos, as he stayed alone now, after Jane left him. "It's not your fault."

Jane nods sadly. She's a sweet girl and he can tell how genuinely upset she is.

"Can you just call _E4H_ and make sure Jace sees that he does indeed leave? He usually stations himself down on Evie's floor," Jay says, putting an arm on her shoulder and giving it a quick squeeze before heading back down the corridor.

He is met with the sight of a distressed Lonnie, pacing back and forth where the hallways dissect.

"Hey?" he calls out as he approaches.

"He ran into the bathroom. I wanted to follow, but then I didn't want to crowd him," she says torn. "You know what he's like, sometimes it's hard to tell what the right move is."

Jay nods and makes his way passed her, trying to remain calm but eager to get to Carlos. He pushes the bathroom door open carefully and doesn't immediately spot Carlos, despite the fact he can hear his loud and uneven breathing. He follows the sound to the last cubicle and his heart breaks at the sight of Carlos sitting on the floor hugging his knees, rocking back and forth, clearly in the throes of a panic attack.

Jay gets onto his knees next to him and reaches a hand out toward him, only to have Carlos flinch and recoil away from it. He quickly retracts his hand and places both on the floor in front of him. He is desperate to do something to help, but he doesn't know what, and he can only watch the tragic scene play out in front of him.

"'Los?" he whispers.

Carlos' frantic eyes meet his but he's still hyperventilating, small chest rising and falling rapidly with each struggling breath.

"'Los, he's gone. It's okay now."

His words don't seem to register and instead Carlos begins to shake his head frantically, and then he's scrambling to his knees and throwing up into the toilet in front of him, fingers turning white as he tightly grips the edges of the bowl.

Jay edges closer, but he does not touch him. He just continues talking to him, telling him everything's okay, that he's here. When Carlos eventually pulls back from the toilet, he collapses heavily back against the wall, one of his legs pressing slightly against Jay's knees. They sit in silence for a while, Jay waiting for Carlos to calm down enough and get his breath back.

"Carlos?" he questions quietly.

The smaller boy looks over to him from under his thick and dark eyelashes, and Jay can't read the strange expression on his face.

"Are you okay?"

"Yes," Carlos eventually answers, voice sounding hoarse. "But I think I'm going to head up to the loft now if that's alright?"

He sounds defeated and weak, nothing like the sassy and bold Carlos that was teasing Jay earlier.

"Of course that's alright," Jay answers, staring at Carlos' sad face.

He doesn't help Carlos to his feet, just follows closely behind him as he makes his way out of the bathroom. Lonnie is waiting for them in the hallway, but she doesn't rush over to Carlos once she sees him, just offers a small sympathetic smile and lets him pass. Jay goes to do the same, but she quietly calls out to him.

"Jay, wait!"

He hesitates and watches Carlos do the same, turning to look back at him with wide eyes.

"I'll meet you up there, go ahead," Jay says gently.

Lonnie and Jay both keep their eyes on him as he makes his way down the corridor and into the foyer, and it isn't until he disappears around the corner that they turn to each other.

"Jay?" Lonnie begins carefully. "You heard what Jane said, right? Nicholas Haaden?"

"I know," Jay answers somberly.

"Nicholas Haaden," she repeats, distress evident in her voice. "If that's the same Nicholas Haaden he said gave him his first kiss then I-"

"Stop," Jay cuts in. "I can't," he says, shaking his head.

"But if it's true-"

"I know, okay? I know. But just... not yet," Jay says pleadingly.

Lonnie takes a deep breath and sighs, but nods in understanding.

Jay leaves her and walks down the corridor to the elevators, calmly waiting for the doors to open while Jane warily watches him. He gives her a stiff nod before getting in, and it's only when the doors shut that he punches the wall so hard he knows there'll be bruises coloring his knuckles by morning.

* * *

Jay had arrived up in the loft to hear the water going in the shower and seeing the bathroom door closed, had simply assumed Carlos wanted to clean himself up from sitting on the floors in the studio's bathrooms. At first he had started off sitting on the couch, waiting patiently for Carlos to finish up and come out, but as time continued to tick by, Jay became increasingly anxious.

Once it reached the thirty minute mark, Jay had decided to call out to him, tentatively knocking on the door but receiving no answer. He doesn't want to go in, he really doesn't. Carlos could react really badly to Jay's intrusion, but he's not giving him much choice.

He knocks again softly, calling Carlos' name out as he does so, and opens the door.

"'Los?"

He looks to the shower and feels his heart drop. Carlos is sitting the same way he was in the studio's bathrooms, now underneath the harsh spray of the shower. He is a crumpled mess, still fully dressed in his clothes, face hidden in his knees as he shivers.

Jay rushes over to him and turns the water off, noting how cold it is before dropping to his knees. He sits down, planting himself in the wet puddle of water next to Carlos, and pulls him into his lap. Carlos doesn't fight him, just keeps his head down, but Jay can hear that he is crying.

"You're okay," he whispers into his wet hair, over and over again, gently rocking him in his arms. "You're okay."

Once Carlos is able to stop crying, Jay carefully stands him up and guides him out of the shower. He grabs a towel and uses it to dry Carlos' dripping hair, before gently running it over his wet and tear-stricken face. Carlos just lets him, standing unmoving in front of him.

Jay tries not to think too hard at his next task which consists of peeling Carlos out of his wet clothes. It's a struggle to get his jeans off, especially with an unresponsive Carlos providing no help. He manages though, and eventually Carlos is left standing only in his underwear, which cling to him in a way Jay refuses to acknowledge.

He leads the small and shivering boy to his room, and despite knowing he could easily find something in the spare room where Carlos' clothes are for him to wear, he produces his own sweatpants and sweater.

He politely turns around when Carlos seems to snap out of his trance-like state, removing his last article of wet clothing to change into the ones Jay laid out for him. Jay does the same, changing into something dry after getting his own clothes in a similar state when he sat in the shower and pulled a wet Carlos to him.

Carlos goes to bed early without eating, while Jay makes himself something small and remembers to feed Dude, almost forgetting as Carlos has been doing that most nights now. When he joins him later, Carlos is still awake, staring at Jay as he makes his way over to the bed and coolly slides in on his side.

Jay is in the habit of reaching out and cuddling into Carlos at night, but he isn't sure whether he should touch him right now, he needs to be careful. Carlos just continues watching him, and Jay turns on his side so he is facing him and can silently look back.

Eventually Carlos' eyes start to become heavy and fall close, and Jay watches him sleep for a while before his do the same.

* * *

Jay shifts peacefully in sleep, reaching out to hold onto Carlos, not realizing his mistake until it's too late. Carlos startles awake and shoots upright, pulling away from him in panic, breaths coming out in short, uneven puffs.

Jay sits up quickly himself and stares at Carlos through the dark, he knows this boy, remembers him from when he was first put in his room and could barely last the night without waking in fright.

"It's just me, 'Los," he says softly. "It's just me."

And like he did when they were kids, he reaches his arm out and wraps it around Carlos' shoulders, slowly lowering him back down to the bed. Carlos is still breathing erratically, and he can feel his heart beating wildly from where his hand has moved to his chest. He pulls himself in closer to Carlos and pushes his hair out of his face.

"It's okay. You're safe," he says. "I'm not going to let anything happen to you."

Carlos makes a strangled noise at the back of his throat and whimpers.

"It's okay. You're okay."

Jay continues to repeat the words, leaning close to place soft kisses to soft cheeks, and he does so until Carlos is falling back to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> nobody:  
me: hEY, so what if in the modern universe hades wasn't hades' actual name, but like a title he gave himself since he thinks of himself as of a god, and he has a whole gang of other people who call themselves the greek gods and-
> 
> don't hate on me, that's the only way i could think of that would introduce hades without making him too ooc.
> 
> hades is not related to mal. amen.


	15. [it's nothing]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> someone teach these kids to talk about their feelings smh

When Jay wakes up, he is still curled around Carlos, lips pressed against his temple and nose buried in his hair. He tightens his arms slightly, remembering the events of last night and immediately feeling the ache in his heart returning. Carlos had said he was only eleven when it happened, so young and so sweet. Jay hates himself for not being there, hates himself for not stopping it. Whatever _it_ is exactly.

He presses a soft kiss against the skin where his lips rest, picking up where he left off as if no time has passed since he was last awake. When he pulls back he finds Carlos is watching him, big brown eyes searching his, and Jay leans away and back against his pillows, wanting to give Carlos some space so they can talk. He doesn't say this to Carlos, but Carlos can tell he's waiting for him to open up and explain what happened last night. He doesn't want to though, he'd rather just forget all about it.

So instead Carlos just sighs and follows Jay's warmth, resting his chin against his chest and draping an arm over him so his hand ends up clutching at his shoulder. This has been the only source of comfort Carlos can ever remember, being close to Jay. They can't do this forever though. People would think it strange if they knew a pair of adult friends were just sleeping in the same bed together every night. Besides, one day Jay is going to bring someone home with him, and Carlos won't be welcome in his bed anymore. For now though he has this, Jay's warm bed and even warmer body.

When they get up and move to the kitchen, Jay can't help but admire Carlos in his clothes. They are too big for him, he's almost tripping on the pants and his hands are hidden in the sleeves, but he likes the way he looks like this, and Jay feels his hands itching for his camera. When he was little this is just how he had pictured things, well almost. He hadn't anticipated losing Carlos, and he sure hadn't anticipated the shape he'd be in when he got him back.

They are mostly quiet as Jay makes them coffee, Carlos sitting on the couch and patting Dude, not paying much attention to Jay. He seems off in his own little world, or maybe he's just making a conscious effort to not engage in conversation. Jay sits at the table with their coffees when they're ready, giving Carlos no choice but to make his way over and sit across from him.

He offers a small smile in appreciation, before bringing the cup to his lips and savoring his first sip of the morning, he knows today is going to be a long one and he just wants to relish in the quiet before the storm hits. Jay has other ideas.

"Carlos—" Jay begins, but Carlos is quick to stop him.

"Don't," he says.

"But—"

"Jay, leave it, please."

They go quiet for a little while, but Jay is still intently focused on the boy across from him.

"Did he—"

"It doesn't matter," Carlos says exasperated. "We are not talking about this."

"No, but if you need to talk about it—"

"Well, I don't. So you can stop looking at me like that," Carlos snaps, staring Jay down until he looks away.

They fall into another silence and eventually go back to drinking their coffees, but Jay's mind is still plagued with questions he knows are not going to get answered. He cannot help but imagine the worst. The scenarios that he has managed to conjure up inside his head are making him feel ill. He should have been there.

Jay is broken from his haunting thoughts by Carlos abruptly standing and walking toward the kitchen to empty the remainder of his drink into the sink.

"I'm going to go see Mal," he says without looking at Jay.

"Okay," Jay says carefully, watching him.

Carlos just nods and walks towards the bathroom to take a proper shower. He doesn't say goodbye to Jay when he leaves.

* * *

Evie finds Jay in his office sometime after lunch. He looks tired and drained as he stares at his computer screen in front of him, not noticing she has even entered the room.

When she sits in one of the chairs opposite him his head shoots up, but he deflates a little when he sees who it is.

Evie offers a sympathetic smile. "Not who you were hoping for?" she asks.

He shakes his head apologetically. "No, it's not that. I'm happy to see you, I'm always happy to see you. It's just..." Jay gestures with his hand, indicating its other things that have caused his unenthusiastic demeanor.

Evie nods in understanding. "Lonnie told me what happened."

If it were anyone else, Jay might be annoyed that his friends are always telling each other his business. But they are his family, and he knows their concern is always out of love rather than anything else spiteful or unkind.

"Is he okay?" she asks.

Jay shrugs. "I don't really know. I tried asking him about it this morning, but that went as well as expected. I know about as much as I always have, which is nothing, and I haven't heard from him all day since he left this morning to see Mal."

Jay collapses back in his chair dramatically, feeling defeated. Evie watches him carefully as she says her next statement.

"Nicholas Haaden was the first person to kiss him."

Jay's eyes dart back to hers from where they had been idly wandering.

"We don't know what that means," Jay says, sitting back up stiffly.

"Yes, Jay, yes, we do."

Jay doesn't answer.

"You need to be aware that it may not be the only thing he did to him," Evie says gently.

Jay's hands come up to his face and he rubs at it harshly in distress. 

"I know, I know. I tried to ask him, I did..." Jay looks at Evie sadly. "I'm afraid of his answer."

"How long was he with him?"

"I don't know. We parted when he was ten, and he left the Isle at thirteen. So if he was with him all that time..."

"Three years," Evie says somberly. "A lot can happen in three years."

* * *

It's a Friday night and the usual get together has started in Jay's studio. Everyone is drinking and laughing and having a good time, while Jay anxiously paces around the studio scanning the crowd and periodically checking his phone. Carlos still hasn't come back since he left that morning, and Jay hasn't been able to think about anything else.

He has sent him multiple messages and tried calling him twice, but to no avail. Evie managed to receive a reply from him, telling her what he told Jay, that he was with Mal. Jay doesn't know how to feel about the fact Carlos is obviously ignoring him. Part of him knows it's just because he doesn't want to talk about what happened, but it still hurts that he is having to go through other people in order to find out what is going on with him.

It's around nine o'clock when Carlos finally turns up. Jay spots him from across the room chatting with some of the staff, Mal at his side. He can't concentrate on the conversation around him as he feels all his focus drawn to Carlos. He is laughing with Mal and gesturing around him as if nothing is wrong, Ben eventually joining them once he notices Mal's presence. He wonders how long they've been here, they could have sneaked in hours ago and got lost in the crowd without Jay knowing, and the thought bothers him.

Carlos can't help but glance over to him eventually, and Jay holds his stare, using his eyes to beg for him to come over. Carlos just looks away, clearing his throat, joining back in the conversation as if nothing had happened. Jay's going to lose it any moment now, he can't bear Carlos ignoring him.

Evie decides to intervene when she sees Jay gulping his drink down while angrily watching Carlos talk with one of Ben's staff members that neither can remember the name of. Carlos has put a hand on his arm as he laughs with the man, obviously flirting, and Jay looks ready to go over there and start a fight.

Evie drags a reluctant Jay down the corridor and away from the crowd, glaring up at him as he continues to try and peer back over his shoulder.

"Jay, you need to stop," she says.

He looks down at her confused and still half distracted.

"Stop what?"

She takes the bottle out of his hands and holds it up.

"How many of these have you had, huh?" she asks seriously. "I know you're upset right now and I know Carlos isn't being exactly forthcoming after what happened, but you need to calm down."

Jay runs a hand through his hair in frustration. "He's fucking ignoring me. I don't know what to do."

Evie rolls her eyes at him. 

"Oh my god, why are you so hopeless?" she asks while grabbing his hand and pulling him back down the corridor.

Jay wants to argue the point but remains quiet as she walks him straight up to Carlos, and stops abruptly in front of him and the man he had been flirting with.

"Hey, C, haven't seen you all day!" Evie says, and Jay cannot help but admire how bold she is.

Jay doesn't join in the conversation much, just watches Carlos quietly, allowing himself to finally calm down now that he is standing in front of him, close and tangible. He can't remember how it was before he found Carlos, he can't remember how it was to not be so consumed and reliant on the presence and well-being of another.

Eventually the man from Ben's staff, who Jay has finally figured out name is Aziz, excuses himself and leaves their huddled conversation. He says he needs to use the bathroom, but Jay is sure it has more to do with the fact he has been glaring at him in between watching Carlos. Jay hadn't meant to, he just didn't like the way he had been leaning into Carlos and brushing his hands against his shoulders when he said something particularly amusing.

Evie conveniently decides she needs a refill about two minutes after Aziz has walked away, leaving Carlos and Jay alone. Jay doesn't know what to say now that he has him to himself, he is gutless compared to Evie. She would know what to do, she always knows what to do.

He isn't looking at Carlos now that they awkwardly stand in silence, so he doesn't notice the way Carlos' eyes follow his hand movements when he brings a hand to his hair and runs it through, as is his habit.

"What is that?" Carlos asks, voice slightly alarmed.

Jay doesn't know what he is talking about, but follows Carlos' line of sight to his right hand. Jay looks down at his knuckles, and for the first time today he notices the bruising. He had thought this would happen after he decided to pick a fight with his own elevator, but being so distracted with his own thoughts and worries all day, it isn't until now that he's actually looking at them he can feel the slight pain and tightness in his hand.

"What happened?"

Jay looks up from his knuckles, realizing he has yet to answer Carlos.

"It's nothing," Jay says dismissively.

"That's not nothing," Carlos says aggressively, eyes focused on the purple coloring painting his knuckles.

"I didn't get into a fight if that's what you're thinking," Jay says defensively. "Just knocked it against my desk accidentally."

Carlos glares at him; he's not buying it. But Jay's not telling him the truth, that he got so angry after learning about Carlos' foster dad he punched the elevator wall.

"You're lying to me," Carlos says angrily.

"You know what?" Jay says in frustration. "Maybe I am and I just don't want to talk about it, so how about you leave it. Sounds familiar?"

Jay regrets the words as soon as they leave his mouth, and he clenches his sore hand into a fist just to feel the ache as he watches Carlos walk away from him.

* * *

The six of them stay back after all the staff leaves to help clean up a little. Gathering bottles, wine glasses and cups and packing them either in a bin bag to be recycled, or in a tray to be taken back up to the loft.

Mal had of course started singing while she did her share, which led to a conversation on how her and Carlos used to sometimes make a little money together. For the most part Mal earned her living working with Uma, and Carlos had done the same selling himself at night, but every now and then, they used to busk together.

Of course once they told everyone that, Evie and Lonnie had insisted they perform for them.

It's been a while since they last did this, Mal started attending community college at the beginning of the year, and so in between Ursula's and that, she didn't have a lot of time. But they're not doing too badly, though Carlos still refuses to look at anyone as he sings, which means he doesn't notice the way Jay has stopped what he is doing to just stare at him in awe.

Busking was how he first got talking to Mal, but it wasn't the first time he had met her. It was at least four years ago when Carlos had run into a particularly unpleasant group of young men, drunk, homophobic and ready for a fight. The three of them had set on him when he was walking home one morning from a long night, and Carlos knew immediately he was in trouble.

They had started with just yelling slurs, but soon they began to advance on him, and the more he sped up, the more they sped up. It was just by chance that he happened to pass Ursula's store, but he made a run for it as soon as he was sure he was close enough that they couldn't catch him before he made it to the door.

Once inside Carlos had spotted Uma at the counter, and the girl had immediately picked up on his distress. She didn't hesitate when she saw the three men following him in, she had just grabbed for her baseball bat and started yelling. Mal had appeared from around one of the shelves as soon as she heard the raised voices, flanking Uma and advancing on them.

Between the two of them, they had easily chased the three men off, and while Mal had gone back to stacking the shelves, Uma had sat Carlos down behind the counter in case the men decided to return. She grumbled the whole time, and even scolded Carlos for being stupid and walking alone at such an early hour in the morning, but she gave him a bottle of water and even offered to drive him home once she had closed up. Carlos had of course declined, but it didn't stop him from regularly visiting the store from then on.

Mal, he had eventually run into a few days after their first meeting, he found her singing along his strip one evening, and after Carlos put some money in her hat as a thank you for helping him, Mal had stopped to talk with him. Through conversation Mal had found out that Carlos had actually started off on the streets singing for money, and naturally she had invited him to join her.

They've been friends ever since, and they've busked together on and off throughout their friendship. They always had fun when they were performing together, even garnering a small crowd most nights. Mal also liked the fact that it kept Carlos from selling himself, and she could keep a protective eye on him instead.

When Carlos and Mal finish their little performance, Evie, Lonnie and Ben clap enthusiastically, and Carlos feels his cheeks redden from their attention. Again, he is so focused on not catching any of their eyes, he doesn't realize Jay has approached him until he hears his voice close behind him.

"I didn't know you still sang," Jay says, voice full of wonder.

They used to sing all the time together when they were little, Carlos had always had a beautiful evoice even as a child.

Carlos just shrugs. "Yeah well, there's a lot we don't know about each other, isn't there?"

"You can't be mad at me," Jay says sadly.

Carlos barely tells him anything, he can't be angry at Jay for doing the same thing over something so insignificant like a bruise on his hand.

Carlos doesn't answer, just walks over to Mal and Evie who are talking about heading home. Evie is going to give Mal a ride since both Carlos and her got here by bus.

Carlos follows her down the corridor to the elevators, and while Ben and Lonnie say goodbye to Evie and Jay, Mal pulls Carlos aside.

"Ben wants me to design t-shirts for him," she says, and Carlos watches as his usually composed friend practically vibrates.

"That's great," Carlos says, slowly smiling. "Did you accept his offer?"

Mal nods. "I mean, it's only in its early stages with _Bevie_ being officially launched in the next few weeks, but we're already coming up with ideas. I even get to name it."

Carlos laughs and arches an eyebrow. "And? What are you going with?"

Mal smiles. "It's going to be _Beast B's Dragon Collection_."

"Of course," Carlos says rolling his eyes before turning serious. "I'm really happy for you, M. You deserve this."

Mal nudges Carlos in response before stepping into the elevator when Evie and joins them, and the two friends grin at each other as the doors close.

* * *

When Jay heads up to the loft, all he wants to do is sleep. Evie had had to tell him that Carlos had said goodnight and headed up to the loft without him when Jay noticed he had disappeared again, and he just felt so dejected and exhausted, he wanted nothing more than to be unconscious.

When he walks into his room, he is surprised, but mostly relieved to find Carlos already asleep and curled up in his bed. He was so sure the younger boy would shut him out and shut himself in the spare room after the evening they had had together.

He keeps his eyes on Carlos as he changes into something to sleep in, before carefully sliding under the covers next to him. He reaches a hand out to gently brush some loose strands of his white hair out of his face, but is stopped when Carlos wakes suddenly and on reflex, grabs at his wrist.

Jay doesn't say anything, just waits for Carlos' eyes to adjust to the darkness and realize it's only him. When he does his grip loosens, but he does not release him, instead he turns his hand away from his face so he can inspect the bruising on his knuckles.

"Why do they upset you so much?" Jay whispers.

Carlos doesn't answer him, just pushes Jay onto his back and crawls on top of him, linking his arms around his neck and tucking his head underneath his chin in a way that feels desperate.

"'Los?" Jay asks, bringing his arms up to wrap around him.

But he receives no answer, only a small kiss to the center of his chest.


	16. [ridiculous]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello everybody, and on today's episode of "jay and carlos don't seem to know how to talk about their feelings and i update this fic once in a year (sorry)":

Jay is sitting in his office moping. Well, at least that's what Lonnie says he's doing when she comes in to drop off some paperwork. He's been sat in his office all day, mostly staring at unanswered emails. He's pretty sure he's wasted an entire day's work doing nothing. The most productive thing he's managed to achieve so far is changing his desktop background to the _Bevie_ billboard shot. But even then he thinks that might be the source of the problem, because he just keeps minimizing his emails so he can stare at the pretty boy who shares his bed.

"Stop moping!" Lonnie says as she leans over his desk to sort the papers in her hands and place them in the growing pile he already has stacked on his desk.

"I am not moping," Jay says indignant, folding his arms across his chest as he sits back in his chair and watches her.

He's not a child, he is a grown man, and he certainly isn't sitting in his office sulking like some moody teenager. He's just worried, that's all. Things have been awkward between Carlos and him for weeks now. Carlos has been practically ignoring him since Hades walked into his studio and made a mess of everything. The only thing keeping Jay from completely freaking out is the fact that every night, despite keeping his distance from Jay for the entire day, Carlos is always there in his bed ready to curl up with him.

"You are moping," Lonnie says bluntly. "I get it though, I do. He's been weird with me ever since it happened too. But you just have to not worry about it."

Jay looks at her in disbelief.

"_Not worry about it?_ Lonnie, he barely talks to me! I think this morning I got maybe five words out of him, and that was him telling me he was spending the day with Ben."

Lonnie stands up to properly look at him. "He's been doing the same thing with me and you don't see me taking it personally. Just think about it, imagine how you'd feel," Lonnie says, pausing to stare Jay down.

"Imagine there was something that happened to you, so horrible that the mere thought of it made you physically sick, something that made you feel so ashamed you just wanted to forget all about it. You wouldn't want people to know either. But now we do, and there's nothing he can do about it. He just needs some time to come to terms with that."

Jay sighs, he knows Lonnie is right. But it doesn't stop the situation from sucking any less.

"It's just hard. Everything was going so well, and I felt like he finally was starting to feel safe and happy here. Now the only time he seems comfortable is when we're in bed, but even then he barely speaks to me."

Lonnie's mouth falls open and a look of shock plays across her features. Jay realizes what he's just let slip and groans inwardly.

"Oh my god, wait, no," Jay says, putting his hands up to stop Lonnie from speaking and jumping to the wrong conclusions. "It's not how it sounds, okay? He's had problems with sleeping ever since we were kids, nothing happens. We just sleep. That's it."

Lonnie raises a skeptical eyebrow at him. "You're kidding me, right?"

"I'm serious," Jay whines. "Stop giving me that look, and please don't tell Evie about this. She'll only read into it and I cannot deal with having to worry about her too."

Lonnie scoffs. "Evie's going to read into it? _I'm_ reading into it!" she exclaims, pointing at her chest.

"Lonnie," Jay pleads.

"Fine, I won't tell. But only because you're already so mopey."

Jay glares at her.

"That and the fact Carlos is probably going to kill you if he finds out you let that cat out of the bag."

Jay has to agree.

* * *

The most productive thing Carlos has managed to achieve so far today is successfully avoid Jay. Which sounds harsh, but he just can't be around him right now. He can tell with every awkward silence that constantly hangs between them lately, that Jay is just thinking about Hades and what possibly could have happened all those years ago.

Carlos can't handle it. He feels sick when he thinks back on the image of Jay standing in front of Nicholas. They were two people he never wanted to see together. Jay was his, he was the only thing he had left in his life that had remained untouched, even if it was only in memory. That's all ruined now.

He has been spending most of his time with Ben lately, and so far Ben hasn't said anything about his sudden and constant presence. He's not sure whether he knows about this latest fucked up development from Carlos' dark and plentiful past, it's hard to tell with Ben. But he is the only one that never seems fazed by Carlos and his sordid history.

Carlos is sure Evie knows, she has the same look on her face Lonnie has been giving him. It's a sad look, one that tells him how sorry they are for him. He knows it's just because they care about him, but it makes Carlos feel small and so, so pathetic.

"Stop thinking so hard, you'll give yourself wrinkles, and that's our moneymaker," Ben says, winking at him as he walks past.

Carlos has been sitting on a stool in the back room of _Beast B's_, silently watching as Jay moves back and forth between tables of clothes. He hadn't notice the frown that had taken over his face as he lost himself in his thoughts.

Carlos smiles over at Ben in response, pushing his worries to the back of his mind, at least for now.

"You ready for the launch party?" Ben asks.

Carlos shrugs, "I guess."

The _Bevie_ launch party is tomorrow night, and as the face of the brand, Carlos is expected to attend and mingle with its other attendees. Apparently there will be a lot of high profile people there, including those in the fashion industry and some celebrities. Carlos has been dreading the event ever since he was told about it.

"Look, it's no big deal. You just have to turn up in a _Bevie_ design, perhaps greet a few people, do a little small talk, and that's it. People will mostly want to talk with Evie and I anyhow, you're just there to smile that pretty boy smile and look beautiful," Ben says teasingly.

Carlos rolls his eyes at that and Ben just smirks at him.

"Besides, Jay will be there with you the whole time. There's nothing to worry about," he finishes, turning back to sorting the clothes on the table in front of him.

Carlos glares at the back of his head and wonders if he did that on purpose. Surely Ben would have picked up on the fact that Jay and him aren't exactly getting along right now.

He doesn't ask him about it though; he'd rather not talk about Jay at all.

* * *

The venue they have hired for the launch party is beautiful and elegant. The main floor is huge with various statues and vases edging the room, and canvases of artwork and intricately framed mirrors lining the walls. There is a bar on one side of the room and a tiny stage on the other, where a small string orchestra is playing music that quietly ebbs and flows in the background. Towards the back of the room there is an elaborate staircase that leads up to the restrooms and a selection of couches to lounge on, and there is already a collection of people littered along the stairs and taking up the seats.

There's also an outdoor area stemming from the main floor, leading out to a fountain and gazebo, surrounded by a rich garden. The weather outside is perfect for anyone needing some fresh air away from the busy crowds, and Carlos suspects he will be making multiple escapes into the quiet and dim garden before the night is through.

The main floor is brimming with people, mostly unknown to Carlos. The exceptions are the models he has worked with before, walking around serving as cocktail waitresses and waiters, handing out champagne glasses and assorted canapés dressed in their _Bevie_ designs. All the models had their outfits selected by Ben and Evie, including Carlos, in order to make sure people were able to get an idea of the whole collection.

Lonnie and Evie are just wearing pieces from _Evie's 4 Hearts_, with Lonnie in a pair of pastel pink high-waisted dress pants, a lacy sleeveless crop top that sits high on her neck in a deep navy blue, and matching navy heels. Evie has on one of her more famous pieces, a blue two piece playsuit that shows a slither of midriff as she moves, and a pair of red heels on her feet. Ben is also just in a _Beast B's_ outfit, wearing a blue shirt with a mandarin style collar, black jeans and black lace-up boots.

Carlos has to represent though, so he is dressed in the red _Bevie _short sleeve button-up with a long black sleeve top underneath and a pair of plain black skinny jeans on his legs. On his feet he's wearing oxford style dress shoes that have a single silver zipper running vertically up the front of the shoe, and thick soles to give him just that little bit of height. He had his hair and make-up professionally done too, and he probably looks better than he ever has.

That doesn't stop him from feeling terribly and increasingly uncomfortable.

Carlos stands alone mid-way up the staircase, wine glass in hand, watching everyone talking and laughing as if an event as expensive and lavish as this is the norm for them. Evie and Ben are surrounded by people with Lonnie and two bodyguards — who Carlos recognizes as Jace and Harry — and he can see them talking animatedly to their captive audience, obviously about _Bevie_.

Jay is around with his camera too, moving through the crowds and taking shots for Ben and Evie. He's dressed head to toe in _Beast B's_, wearing a brown leather jacket, black jeans and combat boots. He even put his hair in a bun and apparently left his beanie at home. The only exception to his outfit is the long silver necklace hanging down the center of his chest, a pendant with the letter 'B' attached to the end. It's his little _Bevie_ addition in honor of the night.

They all look like a band that's been styled and dressed together. Even Mal is here in her new _Bevie_ t-shirt courtesy of Ben, as she refused to wear a dress. She's got on the one that has an all-purple torso with black leather short sleeves; Carlos has to admit, he's never seen her in anything that's not purple, green or black. But that's okay. She scrubs up rather well, though Carlos loves the fact she still wore her go-to black shorts and old converses.

Carlos debates whether he should go over to her, just hide behind Mal the whole night. But he can see she is happily talking to Jane, and he doesn't want to ruin Mal's night with his antisocial tendencies.

Instead Carlos considers the possibility of hiding out in the bathroom, but it is while he is lost in that thought, he doesn't see Jay approaching him.

"You mind if I take a photo of you?" Jay asks softly. Evie and Ben will expect photos from their official launch party of _Bevie_ to include the model that represents it, but he doesn't want to make Carlos uncomfortable and just take his photo without asking.

Carlos smiles at him politely and nods in answer. Jay lifts the camera to his face and takes the shot, smiling when he checks the photo and sees Carlos is serving the camera a slight pout, his wine glass visible as he clasps it in a delicate hand. Ben and Evie chose wisely when they decided to sign Carlos, the _Bevie_ line looks like it was designed for him and his lithe frame.

Jay lets the camera sit back against his chest so the weight can be held by the strap around his neck, and turns to start scanning the crowd as Carlos had been before he made his way over. The silence is heavy and awkward, and Jay resorts to small talk in order to fill it.

"So how's the night so far?"

Carlos nods slowly. 

"Good. E and Ben must be happy with the turn out. There are so many people here."

Jay can tell Carlos is not thrilled with the amount in attendance, crowds tend to make Carlos uncomfortable, always have. Jay looks at the faces in the crowd idly, until one pops out at him and captures his attention.

"What the fuck is he doing here?" Jay exclaims suddenly.

Carlos follows his line of sight and feels his heart rate pick up at the sight of Gaston LeGume talking among a group of people, stuffing his face with canapés.

"I— I don't know," Carlos stammers in answer.

"He shouldn't fucking be here," Jay curses again, and makes a move to descend the stairs.

Carlos' arm shoots out and he grabs onto Jay's wrist, pulling him in and turning them around in order to block his path.

"Jay, don't. Just leave it, okay?" Carlos says, voice low.

"Leave it?" Jay questions angrily, he feels like he's always being told to leave it. "This is the guy who... What if he comes up to you? What if he tries what he did last time?"

"He won't," Carlos says firmly. "This is a fashion event, he's in the fashion industry. He probably doesn't even know I'm here."

"Of course he fucking knows," Jay says, glaring over Carlos' shoulder to where he can see LeGume laughing in the crowd. "Your face is plastered all over every _Bevie_ billboard in the city. He knows."

"That maybe so," Carlos answers calmly. "But it's Ben and Evie's night. You can't make a scene and ruin it for them."

Jay sighs in frustration and reluctantly takes a step back, resigning himself to staying where he is and not marching down the stairs and over to that pathetic excuse of a man. Carlos is right, he can't do that to Ben and Evie, not after they've worked so hard.

"Promise me you won't do anything," Carlos says quietly.

Jay doesn't answer him. Besides, history already dictates that promises between them never really go very far anyway.

* * *

Carlos eventually finds himself with Mal. He couldn't stand the way Jay kept hovering around him, and the only way to get him to back off was to stand with his friend. Carlos hasn't spotted LeGume again anyway, there is too much of a crowd once you're on the main floor, he can only really see who's on the stairs and immediately around him.

He's bored though, so far his night has consisted of him listening to Mal's pathetic attempts to flirt with Evie (such an oblivious girl) and having to make small talk with strangers about modelling and the _Bevie_ line. He's also been beckoned over a couple of times by Ben and Lonnie to be introduced to different people, apologetic looks on both their faces as they do so. But he knows it's part of the job, they all warned him he might have to do this kind of stuff before he signed on.

As most people do when they get bored, Carlos decides he may as well eat. Which is why he winds up over at one of the tables in the corner of the room, eating his weight in chocolate muffins. He knows it probably wasn't the best move, to go off somewhere by himself, especially when he finally spots LegGume again.

They make eye contact at the same time, and Carlos lets out a deep breath as LeGume starts to make his way over to him. He's not actually intimidated by this man, and in all honesty if he were anywhere else, he wouldn't be all that concerned with his presence. But knowing Jay is around somewhere, ready to kill Gaston if he so much as looks at him in a certain way, is making him nervous.

Whatever LeGume wants, Carlos just has to make sure the conversation is quick and brief, Jay is sure to spot them together if they stand here too long.

"So looks like you're moving on up in the world now," Gaston says as greeting.

Carlos rolls his eyes.

"What? You don't like your new position?" LeGume says smirking, well aware of his own little innuendo.

"What do you want?" Carlos asks, completely disinterested and crossing his arms over his chest.

"Just saying hello to an old acquaintance, nothing more," LeGume answers.

"I am not an old acquaintance," Carlos says.

"I'd certainly say we got well acquainted, wouldn't you?"

Carlos rolls his eyes again. "Well, you've said hello, now move along before Jay sees you, we don't want a repeat of last time, do we?"

That causes a slightly alarmed look to flicker across Gaston's face.

"He is here?"

Before Carlos can answer, someone else does it for him.

"Yeah, I fucking am."

They both turn to see Jay standing in front of them, jaw tense, teeth gritted, and staring LeGume down. Carlos moves toward him immediately, stepping in front of him.

"Jay, don't," he says, putting his hands at his waist in order to keep him in place. "He wasn't doing anything, there's nothing going on."

Jay's focus is on Gaston, so Carlos grabs his face in his hands and tilts his head down to look at him.

"Come on, let's just go, yeah?" Carlos says nodding, and now that he has Jay's attention, he can tell he's starting to calm down, until LeGume pipes up that is.

"Listen to that boy of yours. I'm not here for seconds."

Jay has pulled himself out of Carlos' grip and rounded on Gaston as soon as he finishes saying it, grabbing hold of him and shoving him against the table, causing some cutlery to topple off and clatter loudly against the floor.

"Don't think just because we're in a room full of people I won't knock you out," Jay snarls at him.

"Get the fuck off of me," LeGume spits back.

"Jay, let him go," Carlos pleads, looking helplessly around as more and more people begin to stare.

Jay doesn't move from where he stands over LeGume, who is forced to lean back uncomfortably against the table.

"Jay, please."

Jay looks over to him and sees the obvious distress on Carlos' face. He looks back to LeGume for another moment, imagining all the ways in which he could hurt him, before taking a deep and deliberate breath.

"You come near him again... and I break your nose," he threatens through gritted teeth.

With that Jay abruptly lets go of him, taking a step back and allowing LeGume to slump heavily against the table. He looks over to Carlos who just shakes his head, turning his back to him and heading towards the open doors to the outdoor area.

Jay glares at Gaston one last time, before he is following Carlos outside.

"'Los, wait! Please, don't run away from me," he says as he catches up to him.

Carlos scoffs as he continues walking further out to the edge of the small steps where the concrete meets grass.

"I'm not running away, I'm coming out here so I won't be yelling at you in front of everybody!" Carlos says, turning to grab a hold of Jay's wrist and pulling him behind one of the large pillars so they're out of view of the people inside.

Though not many people were paying much attention to them in the first place, the fight had luckily only been observed by those immediately around them, so they've gone practically unnoticed by the rest of the party.

"What the fuck is wrong with you? Why do you have to keep acting like some hotheaded idiot who can't control himself?" Carlos yells, shoving at Jay's shoulder.

Jay balks. "Are you serious? After what he did to you?"

"It was my choice!" Carlos yells furiously. "I could have said _no_ to him when he propositioned me that day, but I didn't! So stop treating me like I'm a..." Carlos' voice drops out.

"Like you're a what?"

"Like I'm a victim...!" Carlos says brokenly. "Like I'm weak and damaged, and need you to protect me. Because I don't! And fuck you for thinking otherwise."

"Fuck me? I am the one trying to keep you safe!" Jay says incredulously.

"I didn't ask you to! I've seen and done a whole lot worse then you could imagine, and I get that it disgusts you, but what's done is done, and there's no changing that!"

Jay stares at Carlos in disbelief.

"You don't disgust me. You could never. Don't say that," he says.

"Don't fucking lie to me. I saw your face when that bathroom door opened," Carlos says, voice shaking.

"I'm not lying."

"You are, and ever since Hades showed up you've always got this sorry look on your face. I'm sick of it. I don't care what you think you know about me, but—"

"I don't know a fucking thing!" Jay interrupts angrily. "You don't tell me anything! You've barely spoken to me these last few weeks, how could I know anything?"

"Good," Carlos says sharply. "And I don't want you to know, because there are some secrets that are just meant to be kept, and you don't get to waltz back into my life and change everything."

"Yes, because me changing things for you has been really horrible so far," Jay answers sarcastically. "You know, I don't give a shit about LeGume, or what all those people in there know," he says, pointing towards the venue. "The only thing I care about is you and you're the only fucking person who doesn't seem to get that."

"And what? That gives you the right to start fights and act like you own me?" Carlos says disapprovingly.

"Really? That's what you're getting out of what I just said? You're being fucking ridiculous right now," Jay says, he is out of his mind frustrated as he stares down at the small, sniping boy in front of him.

He watches as Carlos' lips curl into a scowl and he feels himself snap before Carlos even opens his mouth.

"Yeah, well, you're being an asshole, so why don't you go fuck your—"

Carlos doesn't get to finish his sentence. He is cut off by a pair of lips pressing insistently against his own, and is backed up until his spine connects with the pillar, where Jay's body follows to keep him pinned.

Jay refuses to properly think about what he is doing. Everything he has felt pent up from when Nicholas Haaden walked in, when Carlos started shutting him out, having LeGume show up, and Carlos yelling at him just now, is pouring out into this kiss.

Jay kisses him over and over again, lips just as soft as he remembers from when they were children, moving urgently against his mouth. He's already lost in the sweet taste of him, and he grabs Carlos' face in his hands, tilting his head back and pressing even closer, encouraging Carlos to open his mouth for him.

Carlos does and Jay lets his tongue brush against his, earning him a whimper from the smaller boy. That's all the encouragement Jay needs before he is pushing Carlos' hair away from his face, pushing his tongue into his mouth, and just kissing him with a desperate intensity he didn't know he was capable of.

Carlos is powerless under the onslaught of Jay's lips, completely submitting to the older boy as he claims his mouth as his own. Carlos' hands are grabbing frantically at Jay's jacket, pulling and twisting as Jay explores his mouth with his tongue, wet and messy in a way that makes his stomach coil and toes curl.

Jay has forgotten all about where they are or what had just happened. He can't concentrate on anything beyond those plush pink lips against his own, the little sounds Carlos is making in the back of his throat, and the warmth of his small frame as it presses back into him.

Carlos is the one to come to his senses, and so is the one to break away from Jay. He is out of breath when he does so and furiously panting, watching as it takes a moment for Jay to slowly open his eyes and look at him.

It's only now, staring at the shine of saliva on Carlos' swollen lips and his pink-tinged cheeks that he registers what he's just done.

"I—"

"We should go back inside," Carlos says quickly. "Evie and Ben are probably wondering where we are."

Carlos doesn't look at him as he says it, and Jay still hasn't fully recovered from the kiss to properly process the situation.

"Yeah," Jay says nodding. "Yeah, we should."

He follows Carlos back into the main room where they immediately part ways.

Jay spends the rest of the night at the bar, and it's only when Evie and Ben give a thank you speech towards the end, and Jay gets his camera back out, that he sees Carlos again, standing off to the side of the grateful designers among the other models.

He doesn't know whether it's the alcohol or perhaps just wishful thinking, but he swears Carlos' lips still look swollen.


	17. [busted lip]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is why we can't have nice things.  
warning for violence in this one.
> 
> love you all!

The drive back to the loft had been silent, including the elevator ride up, and Jay hadn't known what to do. Carlos was mostly acting as if nothing had happened, going about his nightly routine as always, but there was no denying that a new kind of tension had settled between the two of them, no matter how they both tried to ignore it.

When it came time to sleep and Carlos got into Jay's bed, despite the fact they had yet to say anything to each other since the party, Jay decided he needed to talk.

"I'm sorry about what happened," he says, not really sure if he means the fight, the kiss, or both.

"It's fine," Carlos says, expression unreadable as he burrows himself further into the blankets.

It wasn't fine. Jay could feel it wasn't fine. He shouldn't have just grabbed Carlos like that and Carlos is just being too polite and not saying so.

"I can sleep in the spare room."

Jay would do it if Carlos asked. He just has this horrible feeling that perhaps at the moment Carlos might not find his presence all that comforting, considering what happened, and despite how much that kills him, he would give Carlos space if that's what he needed.

"Jay. It's fine," Carlos insists. "Get into bed."

Jay does as he is told, a small smile forming on his face in relief, but once in bed, neither dares to inch closer and curl into the other. Instead they fall asleep in silence with a fair distance between them, and even though Carlos could have sworn he felt the heavy weight of Jay's arm wrapped around his waist during the night, he woke up to an empty bed.

* * *

There are warring thoughts and emotions going on in Jay's mind that are familiar to him, it's a guilt he can remember first experiencing when he was twelve. It was just before Carlos had disappeared from his life that he had started waking in the morning to find Carlos pressed up against his back, and a problem forming in his pants.

He knew what was happening, he'd attended enough health classes to understand his body was changing and he was becoming a man, but that didn't stop the embarrassment and shame that followed. He wanted to believe that it was just a natural response to having someone pressed against his skin during such an age, but there was no denying that Carlos had started to elicit a response from him that he was incapable of controlling.

One of his worst childhood memories revolves around this new and growing problem. He can remember at one stage there being some boys at the group home who took a particular disliking to Jay and Carlos, and one particular day had decided they were going to beat them up.

Jay had caught wind of their plan early, grabbing Carlos by the hand and taking off with him outside, managing to hide them both by squeezing in between the garden shed and separating fence.

The boys had been chasing close behind, but lost sight of them when they took a corner around the side of the house. They could hear the boys panting and talking with each other only a few meters away trying to figure out where they went, and they would have been fine if Jay's body hadn't become aware of Carlos' hot breath on his neck and the feeling of his small frame pressed up against his own.

He tried to think of anything that would calm him down, anything that would stop what was about to happen, but he couldn't. And as soon as he felt that first hint of pleasure as an unaware Carlos fidgeted against him, he shoved him hard, and they both came tumbling out from their hiding spot.

It was four against two and they didn't stand a chance. Later, Jay would tell Carlos is was a spider that caused him to push them out into the open, and Carlos would of course believe him without question. But Jay was never able to get over the overwhelming guilt he felt when he looked at the bruises on Carlos' face, and remembered the real reason as to why he had to get them out of that small and intimate space.

He had felt guilty back then because he didn't quite understand his feelings and had yet to come to terms with the fact that his sexuality may not fall into the same category as the majority of boys surrounding him. But it was also because it was Carlos he was feeling them for. He was supposed to be his best friend, he was supposed to keep him safe, he wasn't supposed to be thinking and dreaming about him in ways that were far from innocent.

Now the guilt is still very much present, just amplified by the fact that this grown up Carlos is a lot more damaged than his childhood counterpart, and despite knowing that, Jay had gone ahead and kissed him anyway.

* * *

In accordance with their latest emerging theme, they don't talk about it. Jay wants to, but is painfully aware Carlos will be quick to shut him down. He knows he shouldn't have done what he did, it was clear on the night that Carlos was not okay with it, but he still can't help but want to do it again. It's really not helping with making him feel any less guilty.

They've at least returned to some semblance of normalcy, as in they are spending time together again. Though Jay has to wonder if it's a forced effort on Carlos' part to act as if nothing had happened and everything is fine.

They are back to eating dinner together, sitting in the foyer of _Cobra Studios_ in front of the full length windows, watching the dark city below. It's better than nothing, and at the moment Jay's happy to take whatever Carlos is willing to give him.

"I need to... to do something tomorrow," Carlos starts, breaking the silence. "And you're not going to like it."

Jay puts his fork into his bowl and sets it down on the floor in front of him, turning his body to face Carlos and watching him warily, waiting for him to elaborate.

"I have to go see Harry," Carlos says, watching carefully for Jay's reaction.

Jay stares at him for a moment, face blank, before he seemingly realizes that no, his ears aren't playing tricks on him and he did indeed hear Carlos right.

"No," Jay says, shaking his head. "You don't."

It seems though Carlos was prepared for this response and so just continues to calmly explain himself.

"I do, Jay. When I had planned to stay with him for a little while, I left a bag of my things at his house. I want to get them back."

"Just leave them. You have all the things you need here," Jay says, gesturing upwards towards the loft.

Carlos smiles gently at him.

"I know I do. But it's my stuff and I want it back. I've already had Mal find Harry and let him know I'll be picking them up. This is happening. The only reason I'm telling you is so you won't freak out if you were to find out about it later."

Jay scoffs at that. "I'm about to freak out now. Just forget about it, you don't need to be seeing him again."

"I was going to do that, just forget all about it, but then I thought _no_. Fuck him. Why does he get to keep my stuff?" Carlos says. "He's the asshole."

Jay rubs a hand down his face.

"Fine," he groans. "But you know I'm coming with you, right?"

Carlos nods his head reluctantly.

"Yeah. I didn't doubt that for a minute."

* * *

The next morning is tense, and not their usual _we kissed and aren't talking about it_ kind of tense, more a _we're about to go see the guy that hit you in the face and it wasn't even the first time_ kind of one. Carlos is calmer than Jay, who he has caught multiple times looking at himself in the mirror and puffing out his chest. Carlos is rolling his eyes already at how not smoothly this is going to go.

The car ride over is mostly quiet, but once they've reached Harry's and before they get out of the car, Carlos reaches out a hand and grabs Jay's arm in order to get his attention.

"Before we do this, I want to set down some ground rules," Carlos says firmly.

Jay rolls his eyes but remains quiet.

"Firstly, no fighting," Carlos says. "I get that you want to knock his teeth out, much like anyone who seems to look at him for more than five seconds, but don't, okay?"

Jay nods his head stiffly. "Okay."

"Secondly, no talking."

"What? I can't even—"

"Just don't," Carlos cuts in. "You'll probably just piss him off. Let me do the talking and we'll be in and out of there in no time."

"Anything else?" Jay huffs.

"Yeah, if he says anything about us, like, being involved," Carlos says awkwardly. "Just ignore it. He's just trying to get a rise out of you."

Jay nods back, feeling just as awkward, and they both exit the car without another word.

Harry's house is rundown, with overgrown grass on his front lawn and stray beer bottles littered near the front door. Jay has to carefully step around them as he walks behind Carlos, who knocks on the door once they've reached it. Jay steels himself when he hears heavy footsteps approaching, he isn't looking forward to this. 

When Harry opens the door he has a smirk on his face that falters slightly when his eyes land on Jay. His hand, which was going to caress Carlos' cheek, stops in a midway.

"You brought _him_? Well, the more the merrier I suppose," he says.

Carlos doesn't respond to his comment, just asks about his bag.

"Do you have my stuff?"

Harry gestures just inside the door to where a black duffel sits on the floor and Carlos squeezes past him to go grab it.

"Hey, looks like you upgraded, Carlos," Harry comments, looking Jay up and down and over at where his car is parked in the driveway. "Got yourself a new sugar daddy?"

Carlos again ignores him and just looks through his bag checking for his things, while Jay stands tense in the doorway, biting his tongue.

"What the actual fuck, Hook?" Carlos says suddenly. "There was cash in here. You've been through my stuff. Where's my money?"

Carlos had left most of what Jay had given him those first nights in his bag tucked in a pair of socks. In hindsight, he should have never left it with Harry, but he didn't think he would be away from it for so long. He had planned on giving what remained back to Jay, it still felt wrong keeping it. Though with what he earned through modelling, he is probably able to pay him back in full, but that money is all he has, and he still has this persistent feeling he's going to need it.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Harry says, smile never leaving his face.

Carlos rolls his eyes and takes a step towards Jay and the door, but Harry blocks his path slightly.

"Wait, come on," Harry says to him. "You never gave me a chance to properly apologize. You know I didn't mean it, I had been drinking."

"Yeah, I've heard that one before," Carlos answers impatiently.

"Carlos?" Jay says, taking a slight step forward, ready and alert behind Harry. He needs Carlos back by his side now.

Harry looks at Jay and shakes his head.

"Seriously? I remember when this was the other way around and I was the one having to get you to back off. Just give me a minute with him," Harry says to Jay dismissively, but the accusation was clear in his voice.

"Don't compare us," Jay says quietly.

"What? You think you're better than me just because you drive some fancy car?" Harry mocks.

"No," Jay answers, voice low. "I think I'm better than you because I'm not the piece of shit who hit him."

The men have gotten closer to each other, not quite chest to chest but nearly, and Carlos makes his way passed Harry and to Jay's side.

"He's had worse," Harry snipes.

"Jay, it's fine, let's just go," Carlos says, aware Jay is reaching his breaking point.

"Hey, no, it's cool here, sweetheart. I get it," Harry says, backing off just that little bit. "You're his slut now."

Despite Harry's words, Jay refuses to let it get to him, he promised Carlos he wouldn't start a fight and now with him at least standing back next to him, he feels a lot less on edge.

"Oh, but just one more thing," Harry says, a little too casually.

And Jay and Carlos both don't see it coming when he suddenly pulls his fist back and slams it into Jay's face. The punch connects with his mouth and Jay reels back at the force of it.

"Fuck!" Jay yells touching his lip and seeing the transfer of blood onto his hand, before looking back up to see Harry coming for him again.

"Can I hit him now?" he calls out to Carlos, but doesn't wait for an answer.

Instead, he advances on Harry and does what he's been wanting to do since the moment he first saw the bruises on Carlos' face, and punches him as hard as he can, fist connecting with his nose. Harry staggers backwards and blood begins to come streaming out, so much so he has to reach a hand up to clutch at it in order to stem the flow.

"I think you broke my nose," Harry says slightly hysterical, looking at his hands as they become increasingly painted with his own blood.

He no longer seems concerned with Jay's presence, completely dazed from the punch, and so the fight is over in only two hits. Jay glances over to Carlos who is looking between the two bloodied men in shock.

"At least I didn't knock his teeth out," Jay tries sheepishly.

But Carlos doesn't reply, just marches over to Harry, who still looks surprised at how hard Jay has just hit him.

"I think he broke my nose. Will you kiss it better, baby?" Harry whines at Carlos pathetically.

Carlos just reaches a hand up and to the shock of both men, promptly slaps him across the face.

"Good," Carlos says, turning on his heel and throwing his bag over his shoulder "Come on, Jay. We're going now."

Jay doesn't argue, just follows him back over to the car. He tries his best to suppress the smug smile that wants to appear on his face as he gets in the vehicle, watching as a confused Harry stumbles back inside the house.

* * *

"So, Harry has successfully given both of us a busted lip, you happy now?" Carlos asks.

They are back at the loft in the bathroom, Jay standing in front of the mirror with a wet tissue in hand, trying to clean up the dried blood that has dripped down his chin. Carlos is sat facing him on the sink, watching Jay critically.

Jay glances over to him but ignores the question, wincing slightly as he dabs at his lip. Carlos seems mildly annoyed at him, but nowhere near as angry as he thought he'd be.

"I shouldn't have brought you in the first place," Carlos says, mostly to himself. "None of this would have happened."

Jay scoffs at that, there was no chance he wasn't coming, but Carlos is being serious. He should never have told Jay what he was going to do, he should have just gone and dealt with Harry on his own. He hates that Jay got hurt because of him, just because Carlos is small and nowhere near as intimidating as Jay, doesn't mean he doesn't want to protect him all the same.

It's why he was so upset Jay wouldn't tell him how he bruised his knuckles after Hades showed up, he was so afraid he had gotten angry over it and wound up in a fight. Carlos has been nothing but a burden for Jay ever since he arrived and he can't stand it. Jay and Carlos are from very different worlds despite their similar beginnings, and Carlos refuses to drag Jay down into his with him.

"And you didn't follow the rules," Carlos continues, uncaring to whether Jay is answering or not. "I tell you to keep your mouth shut but you didn't listen, as always."

"You really think I was going to just stand there and let him talk about you like that? Like what he did to you was okay?" Jay says, eyebrows raised as he stares Carlos down.

"I'm just glad he hit me first," Jay mumbles under his breath, going back to looking in the mirror. "Gave me the excuse I needed to hit him back."

"Harry is right, you know?" Carlos says quietly. "I've had worse."

Jay takes a deep breath, the thought causing him so much pain and anger.

"I don't care," he says, turning to Carlos. "No one touches you again."

Jay stares at him with an intensity that keeps Carlos from moving, even when Jay steps in front of him and uses his hands to shift Carlos' knees just that little bit, so he can press his body in between.

"You deserve so much better," Jay whispers softly.

A hand comes up to caress Carlos' face, pushing his curly hair to the side and out of his eyes.

"I can't believe you slapped him," Jay says with a small smile, their faces so close that Carlos can feel the warmth of his breath against his lips.

"He hit you," Carlos whispers back as if the reason was obvious.

Jay studies Carlos' face for a moment, the slightest smile forming on his lips as he stares into those big, brown eyes. He closes the distance between them slowly, letting his lips drag against Carlos' before properly kissing him. This one is gentle compared to the last one, more sensual, but just as deliberate.

It starts off with just their mouths moving together, mouths sliding against one another, giving and taking. It isn't until one of Carlos' hands slides up to run through the soft long hair at the back of Jay's head, that Jay runs a hand down Carlos' spine to the small of his back, and using it to slide Carlos closer to the edge of the counter, lines them up perfectly and presses himself firmly into his hips.

Carlos opens his mouth, gasping in shock against Jay's own, and Jay presses even closer, licking at his parted lips. Carlos can feel Jay against him, and while he's not grinding their hips together, he is applying just the right amount of pressure that without any real conscious thought, Carlos is unable to stop himself from bucking against him.

Jay moves his hands down to Carlos' thighs and squeezes, before moving to his calves and encouraging Carlos to wrap his legs around his waist, all the while still kissing him. Carlos does what Jay wants, and it is just as he is about to lift him up off the counter and carry him into the bedroom, that they hear the familiar sound of the elevator doors opening.

Jay reluctantly pulls away but keeps his hold on Carlos, breathing heavily into the small space between them and carefully listening for the sound of movement in the main room. He watches Carlos closely as he does so, takes in his flushed cheeks and the deliberate way in which he stares back, really hoping he was just hearing things.

"Jay?"

The voice belongs to Lonnie, and at the sound of it they quickly spring apart. Carlos is sliding off the counter and standing back on unsteady feet by the time Lonnie walks down the hallway and spots them in the bathroom.

"Oh, there you guys are. I was just..." Lonnie trails off and looks between the two of them curiously.

"Okay, I'm getting some weird vibes right now," she says. "Is this a bad time? Am I, like, interrupting a private conversation? Please tell me you two weren't fighting again."

"What? No, everything's fine," Jay says quickly.

"You weren't interrupting anything," Carlos assents, giving Jay a dejected look before pushing away from the sink and walking past into the hallway.

"Carlos, wait," Jay calls, ignoring Lonnie's confused look and following him out. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have-"

"No," Carlos cuts in bluntly. "You shouldn't have."

Jay looks at him sadly, silently pleading with him for something he isn't even sure of.

"Shouldn't have what?" Lonnie asks, stepping so she can look between the two of them again.

"What are you guys— Oh my god!" she all of a sudden exclaims. "What happened to your lip, Jay?" she asks, rounding on him.

Carlos takes it as his opportunity to slip away, walking towards the elevator and hearing Lonnie's worried voice as she chides Jay. Once he steps inside, he lets her voice fade out and leans his body against the back wall, painfully aware of the lingering taste of blood Jay's busted lip has left in his mouth. The metallic taste on his tongue will act as a reminder of why Jay deserves better and Carlos really doesn't.


	18. [a big deal]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one's kinda short, i'm sorry about that. this is where i start to try and actually finish this story, so it'll get more intense from here. love you all!

Carlos is angry at Jay. He is angry that he kissed him, he is angry that he is sorry about it, and most of all he is angry with himself that he liked it.

Jay shouldn't be going around kissing people if he's just going to be apologizing about it after, it isn't fair. Jay represents everything good in Carlos' life, represents the last time he was ever truly happy and felt safe and loved. He can't afford to have it ruined, he can't afford for things to go wrong. Besides, Carlos will never be good enough for someone like him, and no matter how much he likes the feeling of Jay's lips pressed against his own, he will not taint him with the darkness that never seems to leave, but follow him around like a sickness.

Things are back to being awkward, not that they were great before Jay went ahead and kissed him again, but it still was never this bad between them. Jay spends most of his day tip-toeing around Carlos with this guilty look on his face, and Carlos does his best to pretend he doesn't notice.

Despite all this they are still sharing the same bed at night, Carlos can't seem to give this up though he knows he really should, it's only going to make things harder in the long run. They spent the first few nights on the opposite sides of the bed, too aware of the other's body mere inches away but trying to fall asleep anyhow. It was Carlos who eventually couldn't take it anymore, reaching out a hand to the empty space between them and letting the backs of his fingers graze along the side of Jay's body softly.

Jay almost thought it was an accident when it happened, but when he glanced over at Carlos, he could see even through the dark his wide eyes shining back at him, watching carefully. It was all the encouragement Jay needed before he was grabbing at his wrist and gently tugging Carlos towards him, closing the gap. Carlos had come willingly, pressing himself against Jay's chest and finally falling asleep with an easy peacefulness that for too long had been eluding him.

* * *

When Carlos wakes in the morning he is alone in bed. This is not unusual these days, Jay no longer lingers to slowly wake up with him, he often slips out without telling Carlos and heads into work early without him. Carlos doesn't like it, he misses waking in Jay's warm arms and snuggling back to sleep with him before they have to start their day. Not that he would say anything to Jay about it, he is barely willing to admit it to himself.

It is on this particular morning that Carlos decides he is going to head out and spend the day with Mal, and it is on this particular morning that he does so forgetting to tell Jay where he is going and accidentally leaving his phone on the kitchen counter. Carlos won't realize his mistake until much later in the day, and he certainly won't realize the events his actions have set into motion until he gets home.

Mal is hanging out at Ursula's today with Uma and Gil, so Carlos just heads in, grabs a chair from the back room and slouches languidly in it as he watches Gil restack shelves with new stock. Mal said she'll be there soon, so instead of going to her house to get her, he decides to talk with Gil a little bit. Well, mainly Gil talks and Carlos listens. It's impossible how many things this boy has to say. He likes him. He's nothing like his father. They 'talk' about everything, and it's really relaxing. But not all that interesting, and Uma would be yelling at Carlos if she were here for blocking the aisle.

When Mal walks in, purple flannel tied around her hips and her old backpack in her hand, she's smiling. Which is a rarity. Which Carlos likes. She probably slept well for the first time in two weeks, as Uma's family finally left.

She hugs Carlos and greets Gil and they talk about how annoying Uma's cousins were, the designs she has already come up with for Ben's new t-shirt line, and whether or not Uma would agree to actually wear one if Mal were to try to guilt her into it. All the while though Carlos is quietly sitting and contemplating his situation with Jay, and debating if he should tell Mal about it. It isn't until about two hours after Gil headed home and they're alone when he finally comes out and just says it.

"Jay kissed me."

Mal barely pauses what she is doing, hardly thrown despite the abrupt change in subject.

"And?" she questions, turning slightly to look at him, when her eyes widen suddenly. "Did you not want him to? Because you know I'll kick anyone's ass if—"

"Of course I didn't," Carlos answers too quickly. "It's ridiculous, we grew up together. We're practically brothers."

"Did you tell him that?"

"Not exactly."

Mal raises an eyebrow as Carlos avoids looking at her.

"Well? What did you do?"

"Kissed him back," Carlos offers awkwardly, as if it were a question.

Mal furrows her brow and shakes her head a little.

"What?" Carlos asks, knowing his friend has something more to say.

"You like him," Mal states simply, stopping what she is doing to give Carlos her full attention.

"Well, yeah. He's my friend," Carlos is purposefully acting oblivious.

"You know what I mean, C. You like him as more than a friend."

Carlos doesn't answer. He can lie to Jay, he can even lie to himself, but for some reason when it truly comes down to it, he has never really been able to lie to Mal. There's just something too honest and sincere about her.

"Thought so," Mal says. "You know, for as long as I've known you you've always been alone. Maybe it's time to change that."

Carlos practically snorts.

"Yes, because it really is time I settle myself down, find a nice boy, and move into a house built with white picket fences," he says slowly, sarcasm dripping from his every word. "You know that sort of life isn't meant for me."

"You say that," Mal says, "but is that because you don't want it, or you think you don't deserve it?"

Again Carlos doesn't provide an answer, and Mal resigns herself to the fact that he probably isn't going to give one, and with a heavy sigh, just gets back to sketching.

* * *

Without realizing, Carlos loses track of time. He spends the entire day in Ursula's little convenience store, not leaving even once Uma arrives, who despite how much she grumbles at Carlos' presence, immediately goes about making him a coffee in the back room's kitchenette just the way he likes it.

Carlos has never said anything, nor has Uma for that matter, but her, Ursula and Mal is the closest thing Carlos has ever had to a family. Uma has always looked after him, sent him home with food, given him coats in the winter that despite how she says are old and worn and no longer fit, Carlos has found price tags still attached.

Carlos thinks maybe he should invite Uma over for dinner. He could make her some of his home-made pasta, show her around the loft and have Jay take her on a tour of the studio. Carlos stops his thought there. He needs to stop thinking of the loft as his, it is Jay's hard work that got him that place, Carlos can't be taking credit and treating it as his own. It is only supposed to be temporary.

Back at the loft things are very wrong. At first when Jay hadn't heard from Carlos he had assumed he was down with either Evie or Ben, but when Lonnie had come in and he had asked after him, she had told him she hadn't seen him all day, thinking he was with Jay.

Jay had then texted him and despite not getting a response, still hadn't began to panic just yet, telling himself he was probably with Mal. However, once he returns to the loft sometime after seven that night, to find Carlos' phone abandoned on the bench and no sign of the boy himself, he is beside himself with worry.

Things haven't been good between them lately, and while he doubts Carlos would just pull a runner and leave without a word, he can't help how the thought keeps popping into his head. He is currently standing in the loft, his own phone in one hand and Carlos' in the other, despite knowing it isn't going to help any, but he has no idea what to do as he paces around the living room. He thinks about getting in the car, driving around to try and find him, but if he's not at Ursula's he won't know where else to look, and that thought scares him.

His thoughts keep getting increasingly worse the more he worries. Carlos could have decided to confront Harry again to get his money back, what if something really bad happened? How would Jay even know? He'd have to either go around to his place or start calling hospitals asking if Carlos de Vil has been admitted.

It is around eleven o'clock at night that Carlos turns up at the building, having caught one of the buses home from downtown, and using his key to get in the side door, he heads to the elevator with no idea of what he's about to walk into.

He had realized sometime after dinner that he hadn't brought his phone with him, still not used to having one just yet. He assumes however that Jay would be able to figure out that he'd just be with Mal, not at all anticipating the state the man would be in upon his return.

As soon as the elevator doors open a nearly hysterical Jay makes a beeline over to him, a flurry of long limbs and messy hair from running his hands through it. Once he reaches Carlos he almost doesn't know what to do, just takes him in to make sure, yes, he's really here, and yes, he's perfectly fine.

He waits for his breathing to begin to slow down, before, as calmly as he can, he starts talking.

"Where have you been?"

Carlos is taken aback by the intensity in which Jay has approached him and the way he is now staring him down. He knows something's wrong, but he hasn't quite worked out what it is yet.

"I was with M," Carlos answers slowly, unsure of himself.

"Really? All night?"

"Yes. Why?"

"Why?" Jay repeats, practically seething. "Because it's fucking eleven o'clock at night and I had no idea where you were!"

Carlos glances at the clock that sits on the wall opposite, he didn't realize the time. Now he is starting to understand why Jay is so upset.

"I didn't mean to stay so late, Uma ended up coming in for the late shift, and I used to hang around there quite a lot back when I was..." Carlos doesn't finish that sentence, but quickly recovers with another. "Time just got away from me, okay? I'm sorry."

Despite his apology, Jay is too wound up from spending half the evening thinking about Carlos and every worst case scenario, and so is nowhere near ready to let this conversation drop, especially so easily.

"Why didn't you take your phone?" Jay asks in frustration, gesturing to where both their said devices sit on the table side by side. "You need to take your phone everywhere so I am always able to contact you. You didn't even tell me where you were going. You just left!"

"I didn't leave it on purpose, it was an accident. I can't believe you're yelling at me right now."

"Because you disappeared! I thought maybe you'd..."

Jay looks down, not even wanting to think about it, but Carlos fills in the blank.

"You'd thought maybe I'd taken off?"

Jay shrugs uncomfortably.

"Things have been a bit weird between us of late, and I thought maybe you'd decided you didn't want to be with— you didn't want to be here anymore."

Carlos doesn't miss Jay's slip up, but chooses to ignore it.

"You really think I'd disappear on you without a word?" Carlos asks gently.

"It happened before."

Jay's words take Carlos by surprise, they feel so confronting, almost accusatory.

"That's different," he answers quickly.

"How?"

"It just is!" Carlos says angrily. "You know what? Last checked I'm an adult, and I don't have to tell you anything. If I'm out late, then I'm out late, it's actually not any of your business."

"Yes, it is."

Carlos gapes at that in disbelief.

"What?"

"Of course it's my business. You can't just leave and not come home for hours and expect me to be okay with it," Jay sounds stern in his words, scolding Carlos like a disappointed parent.

"I don't give a shit if you're okay with it. We might be living together, Jay, but we're not actually together. So stop acting like we are."

It feels like a slap in the face, and Jay glares back at him.

Carlos knows he's hit a nerve, and under normal circumstances he would be sorry about it, but having Jay bring up the past, coupled with the tension that has been ready to boil over for weeks, all he can see is red.

Through gritted teeth Jay answers him, "I know we're not together. I'm just asking you not to be fucking selfish for once, because unless it's slipped your mind, you're the one crawling into my bed every night, so a heads up would be nice if I'm not to be expecting you."

They never talk about these sort of things out loud, what their relationship means and the fact they are curling up every night together, it's a complicated subject for both of them, but using it now in an argument is effectively causing both of them to become increasingly angry.

"Fuck you!" Carlos yells. "You don't own me, Jay, you can't tell me what to do, and you don't get to act all mad over nothing just because I won't let you fuck me."

"Seriously?" Jay exclaims, completely shocked. "That's what you think?"

"Don't pretend, I'm not stupid. I can tell you want to, used to be part of the job, remember?"

Jay can't comprehend why Carlos is trying to be so cruel, but when he spots his gaze shift lower, lingering just that little bit on his lips before catching himself and glaring back up at him, things become a little clearer.

"You're right," he states simply, watching Carlos carefully. "I do want to fuck you."

Jay's expression doesn't change, he says it deadpan, matter of fact, before continuing.

"And the thing is," he says, advancing on him, invading his space so Carlos has to look up at him. "I think you want that too."

Jay steps even closer to the smaller boy, practically cornering him in against the wall.

"That's not... I—"

That's all Carlos manages to stutter out before Jay's lips are crashing into his own, and all of a sudden everything becomes hot and heavy. He kisses him open-mouthed and dirty, letting their lips slide together for a few moments before pulling away.

He stays close though, breathing against Carlos' wet mouth, unable to help but bring his own forward again to let their bottom lips drag against each other before speaking.

"Tell me to stop."

He says it quietly, reveling in the way Carlos keeps his eyes closed and head tilted up toward him, letting their lips continue to brush against one another.

"Tell me to stop and I will."

Jay pulls fully away then, watching Carlos slowly open his eyes and take in the distance between them. It's probably not even a minute, but it feels like an eternity as Carlos hesitates, looking at him with heavy eyes and parted lips, before launching himself at Jay.

He flings his arms around Jay's neck, crushing their lips back together, and Jay doesn't hesitate this time to slide his hands down to grips Carlos' ass and lift him up and into him. Carlos wraps his legs around Jay's waist immediately, and using the change in positions to take control of the kiss, takes Jay's face in his hands and licks at his mouth until he opens it.

On unsteady legs, struggling to concentrate on anything but the small boy in his arms and what he is doing with his very talented tongue, Jay begins to walk them backwards towards the hallway and his bedroom. He stops after one particularly sharp nip to his bottom lip and presses Carlos against the wall, pulling his head back by his curly hair thoroughly kissing him until he is writhing mess in his arms.

When Jay can't take it anymore, the feeling of Carlos' body grinding up against his own becoming too much, he pulls him away from the wall and into the bedroom, letting them both crash onto the bed without breaking their kiss.

* * *

Carlos wakes in the morning to the feeling of Jay leaving the bed. He hears him in the bathroom, the toilet flushing, and debates whether he should pretend to be asleep when he returns. He decides against it though, sitting himself up and making sure the sheets remained pooled around his naked lower half.

Jay pauses in the doorway when he sees Carlos is awake, clad in only a pair of black underwear.

"So, last night was different..." Jay tries, trailing off awkwardly.

"You could say that."

"Well, I guess we should talk about it then," Jay suggests.

"You're right, but it's fine," Carlos says dismissively. "I think we can put it down to just the heat of the moment and all that. It's not a big deal."

"What? It most certainly is a big deal," Jay says, correcting him.

"Only if you make it one," Carlos replies quickly. "We should forget about it."

"Forget about it?" Jay asks in disbelief, like that is even possible.

"Yes, it was a mistake, okay? It shouldn't have happened."

"Are you being serious right now? I asked you if you wanted me to stop. Why didn't you say anything?"

"You kissed me," Carlos offers as explanation.

"You fuck everyone you kiss?" Jay retorts, an agitated edge to his voice.

"I used to for the right price," Carlos contemplates. "I suppose we're a bit more even now anyway, you did give me all that money for nothing."

"Take that back!" Jay shouts in a cracked, panicked voice. "That's not what happened."

He walks over to the bed and collapses on his knees in front of him.

"Carlos, take it back," his voice comes out as a quiet whimper, a mournful plea.

Carlos reaches a hand out and pushes Jay's messy long hair away from his face.

"I'm sorry."

He then gets out of bed and collects his clothes, leaving a defeated Jay alone and broken on the floor.

Carlos refuses to turn around when he hears a sobbing exhale from the man behind him, he can't give in. He will ruin this. He will. Jay won't understand, but he has to keep him good and clean. And Carlos is none of those things. He can't ruin this, ruin him. And although the devastation on Jay's face almost broke Carlos in two, sometimes you need to be cruel to be kind.

Because it's unfair for Jay to go around kissing people, especially when Carlos will never be able to say _no_.


	19. [damaged goods]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> big warning for, to be fair, everything. mentions of death, drug and alcohol addiction, abuse, underage sex, pedophilia, references to non-consensual sexual acts. take care.
> 
> i'm quite anxious to post this one. it's a really big chapter and the moment everything should start making sense, but i feel like it's still really messy, ugh. please, let me know what you think!

Things are awful and Carlos regrets everything. Jay can barely look at him now, his usual carefree and positive demeanor replaced with something sad and withdrawn. Carlos knows he fucked up, knows the way he treated Jay was unfair, but he supposes it did get him what he wanted. There is no chance Jay is going to want to touch him now, not after Carlos likened what happened between them to a transaction, like he was just another john trying to get his money's worth.

He shouldn't have said it. As soon as the words left his mouth he knew it was one of the worst things he could have said. Carlos just isn't strong enough when it comes to Jay; one kiss and Carlos' all resolve doesn't weaken, but completely disappear. There is no reason or logic when that man puts his lips to his, but Carlos knew it couldn't happen again, and he went above and beyond to make sure of that.

They're no longer sleeping in the same bed at night, Carlos decided that also needed to stop, especially after what happened. Lying next to Jay, being able to feel the warmth of his body, the accidental brush of his skin as they turned and twisted in sleep, it would have proven too tempting.

He spent the night after it happened back on the floor of the spare room, quietly hating himself. He had gone to bed early before Jay had finished at work so he wouldn't have to see his face when he realized he wasn't coming to bed, but he had been awake to hear him come home, his soft footsteps slinking down the hallway, hesitating before opening Carlos' door. Carlos was able to peer through the blankets and watch as Jay's feet approached him, stopping less than a meter away. Carlos just remained completely still and pretended to be asleep, holding his breath as Jay stood staring wordlessly above him, before retreating back into the hallway and closing the door behind him.

The next night Carlos had come home to find Jay had gotten in before him and rearranged the furniture of the spare room, pushing the bed up against the wall furthest from the door. Seeing it had made Carlos so angry he wanted to burst into Jay's bedroom and scream at him. How could Jay treat him with such kindness when Carlos has been nothing but horrible to him? He wishes Jay would just yell at him, get angry again, give him what he deserves. Carlos is used to people doing that.

But this silent impasse that has settled between them is something Carlos doesn't know how to handle. And the urge he felt to burst into Jay's room and yell at him, was only rivaled by the urge to go in there and crawl into his bed, hold onto him and never let go.

They're still talking, but only really in public to keep up appearances. When they're alone they sit in mostly silence, Jay usually finds an excuse to go back down to the studio or just simply gets up and leaving whatever room Carlos happens to be in at the time, not bothering to provide a reason. They both know why anyhow, what's the point in pretending?

They've managed to keep what's going on mostly under wraps. Carlos doesn't know if it's because Jay has gone ahead and told everybody and they're just being polite and not asking him about it, or whether everyone is just so busy with _Bevie_ they haven't had time to notice. Either way Carlos is grateful; he doesn't want to talk about this with anyone, especially if he can't even properly explain himself to Jay.

One afternoon the tension between them almost bubbled over into their work. Carlos was getting shots done with a collection of other models for the online site, Jay running the shoot, camera in hand. Jay had mostly been in work mode, moving the models around when needed, getting them in the poses he wanted, when all of a sudden it was Carlos' turn, and he couldn't do it. He went to reach out and shift his arm without thinking, but he caught Carlos' stare and just froze.

He tried to cover it up and mutter something about his camera not working, leaving to go collect himself in his office, but Carlos had read the unsettled look that had come across his face, and followed him, calling out to him as he turned to go down the hallway.

"Jay, wait!" he said, standing close to him so he can speak quietly without anyone else overhearing. "Are you okay?"

Jay had stared at him blankly for a few seconds, before shaking his head in defeat.

"I can't forget about it," Jay said, clearly distressed. "I'm trying, but I just can't."

Carlos knew exactly what he was talking about, there was no way he couldn't. But before he could respond, Jay began to back away from him, as if unable to bear being so close for a moment longer, eventually turning and walking away.

* * *

It's a Saturday, the weekend, which means there is no excuse to spend the day at work pretending everything is okay, which means Carlos finds himself leaving the loft to avoid the wretched silence that is sure to ensue if they are to be left alone for the day.

He has no real destination in mind, and winds up just walking up and down the street the building they live in resides on. It's not a main street per se, but it does connect to a main stretch filled with shopping centers and other high fashion stores. Carlos is able to spend most of the day simply exploring shops and only stopping to have lunch in one of the cafes, but once it gets closer to dinner he decides he needs to make his way back. There is only so much time one can waste, that and he doesn't want to risk worrying Jay again, though he can't help but think maybe it'd pay to make him angry, it might illicit some kind of reaction out of him other than silence.

He isn't particularly concentrating as he makes his way back to the building, and although he sees a figure hovering near the front doors, he doesn't register who it is until they're in front of him. By then it's too late and he freezes where he stands, a moment of silence emanating before either speaks.

"I saw the billboards, you know? You look so good," the man starts, reaching out to stroke Carlos' cheek with his thumb.

Carlos doesn't remember much of his real mother — still more than of his real father, as he doesn't remember _anything_ about him — just little bits here and there of curling up next to her passed out body, receiving some money for ice cream on his birthday, watching her cry, yell or do her hair or make-up. He remembers everything about this man though, this man who was closer to a parent to him than his own, yet anything but at the same time. He looks exactly the same as he remembers, perhaps just a little older, still the same powerful and intimidating.

Carlos is pushing away his hand and turning away from him, walking back in the direction he came, needing to just get away, but he hears him call out to him.

"Stop, sweetheart," Nicholas says, and Carlos can't tell if the nickname was said in this sarcastic way he's always hated. "I just wanted to talk for a second, why are you so rude?"

Something in the way he says it makes him stop. It's that same tone he used to use back then that made him feel guilty and afraid in the same breath. Once upon a time Hades was the only person around to really care for him, even though he looks like he would never be good and caring for a small useless boy like Carlos. And despite what he did, there is still a twisted part left of that nine year old boy who feels something for him. And that's what makes it so wrong, that's what makes the betrayal so sickening; he was just a kid, and he truly did care for him in return.

"What?" Carlos asks, turning around to look at him. "What do you want?"

"Look at you," Hades says with a faked happy expression, rising his eyebrow as he takes a step closer. "You grew up so pretty."

Carlos swallows down his nausea.

"Stop," he warns. "Just don't."

"I just can't believe it's you, after all these years," Hades continues, ignoring Carlos' words as he steps even closer and wraps his arm around the boy's waist. "When I saw you in the ads I almost couldn't believe it."

"No, you didn't," Carlos snipes quickly, trying to free himself from the man's tight grip.

He doesn't know whether he should laugh or cry. Of course having Jay come back into his life and giving him the opportunity to model would be the means in which the one person he was running from would use to find him.

"It's been so lonely without you, you have no idea how much Hera missed you," Hades continues, once again ignoring Carlos' comment, his lips dangerously close to Carlos' face. He turns his face away. "Especially after Zeus died. Old fuck overdosed. Nobody misses him though."

"Doesn't surprise me," Carlos says, trying to appear nonchalant, but still trying not to focus on the man's hand on his waist, keeping him close. At least he's honest. "He was always either drunk and beating me and Hera, drunk and arguing with you, or drunk and passed out somewhere."

Hades pauses for a moment, his eyes looking Carlos up and down. Carlos can tell he's not even trying to make this reunion a pleasant one, so he refuses to give him anything even close.

"So, you're modelling then," he says, changing the subject. "I knew you couldn't have been so pretty for nothing."

"Stop it," Carlos says, finally freeing himself from Hades' grip. He doesn't want to hear that.

"I really did miss you, baby."

"Don't call me that," his voice is breaking.

"Hasn't been the same without you," Hades still talks, and Carlos want him only to shut up, shut up—

Carlos tilts his head back and looks up at the sky, trying to keep the tears from falling while Nicholas laughs humorlessly.

"I'm sure it hasn't," he answers quietly, avoiding Hades' gaze.

"Please, don't be like that, you know how much I love you."

"No, you don't!" Carlos finally yells, a tear escaping. "You don't! Because you don't do what you did to someone you love."

Carlos can feel as another tear falls and travels down his cheek, the wet trail it leaves behind making him feel like that small, confused kid again. Maybe he still is a small, confused kid after all.

"I was wrong, I know that," Hades says without any sign of any emotion, playing with his leather glove. "But I did love you, and you loved me."

"Stop fucking saying that!" Carlos practically screams, before lowering his voice when he notices passing people in the street glancing curiously in their direction.

"I was only a kid, and you ruined everything. You don't love me," Carlos says, emphasizing his words and letting their weight sit between them for a moment before continuing. "But you did take me away from the one person who ever really did, and out of everything you ever did to me, that is what I hate you for the most."

"Lossy, come on, please. You don't mean that," Hades says, cupping Carlos' face with his strong hands, making the boy hold onto his arms, and his tone makes Carlos rethink his words. _Did he mean that?_

"Yes, I do," Carlos says, slowly nodding to himself, as if realizing for the first time he is saying all of this out loud, and he means every word of it.

"Go back to the Isle," he says decidedly, a newfound confidence making its way into his voice. "Go back to Hera and whoever else is still alive. And don't come looking for me again. You do, and I tell everyone who will listen exactly what you did to me."

Carlos doesn't wait for him to say anything else, he doesn't need to, he knows there is nothing he could say to change what happened, to make it better. So he just walks into the building, puts in the code for the loft elevator, and while he waits, not once does he look back.

Hades isn't following him.

* * *

Once Carlos gets into the elevator he proceeds to become less and less calm. He keeps thinking back to Nicholas' hands, how much older they looked, what they looked like when he was little, and the awful things he used to do with them. He can't tell whether he's going to have a panic attack or just breakdown crying at this stage, all he knows is he is fighting both. He doesn't want to let this break him, he doesn't want him to have this hold over him still after all these years.

What he does want is Jay. He wants his kind eyes and strong chest and all—encompassing arms. He wants to be able to breathe in his smell and listen to his heart beat steady beneath his ribcage and feel his soft fingers against his skin. He needs him. Because he knows that if he can just see him, touch him, everything will be okay.

When the doors open and Carlos steps into the loft, he immediately spots Jay in the kitchen, idly washing dishes and not looking over at him. Carlos pauses for a moment, heart in his throat, breathing erratic and just stares. He needs him. So much.

Carlos advances on him, catching him off guard when he grabs for his face, and then he's kissing him. Jay's hands are wet from the dishwater and he awkwardly holds them out at his sides as Carlos works his lips against his, and despite the fact he is very confused he can't stop himself from kissing back.

It isn't until he hears the soft sob pulled from the back of Carlos' throat and breathily released against his mouth that he remembers himself, and pulls away.

"Wait, 'Los?"

But Carlos just grabs for him again, putting his lips back against Jay's and licking at his mouth while whimpering a soft, "please, please," over and over again.

It distracts Jay for just a second, and he's almost giving in to the soft caress before grabbing Carlos by the arms and pulling away again, effectively stopping him. Carlos just begins sobbing and collapses against his chest, and Jay immediately wraps his arms around him.

"What happened?" Jay asks, afraid of the answer.

But Carlos just continues to cry. Jay pulls back and grabs Carlos' face in his hands, searching his eyes for an answer.

"Tell me what happened."

"Hades," Carlos says quietly between pitiful cries.

With that, he just sinks to the floor, and Jay goes down with him, pulling him into his lap like he did the first time. He sits there and holds him, unable to do anything but listen to the painful sobs wracking Carlos' entire body.

Eventually Jay just lifts him up, one arm behind his knees, the other at his back, and carries him into his room. He climbs onto the bed and props himself up against the wall, sitting Carlos in his lap so his back is pressed up against his chest, breathing deep and slow until Carlos is able to calm himself down, and breathe in synch with him. They do this for a while, Jay's hand at Carlos' chest, just matching each other's breathing.

"I want to tell you what happened," Carlos says quietly, breaking the silence. And Jay knows what he means by that, knows he isn't talking about what happened before, but what happened all those years ago.

"Okay."

Carlos doesn't begin right away, and Jay doesn't push him. He's pretty sure Carlos has never talked about this with anyone, and if he's going to do it now, it needs to be on his own terms and in his own time.

"It started with Angelica Herrera and her husband. Zeus. I've never gotten his real name and everyone called him that, so I did too. You got the Tulls, and I got them. The problem was, even though I theoretically was theirs, they were a part of this gang, The Gods. They reminded me of Cruella so much," Carlos says, laughing sadly. "The first week wasn't even that bad, nothing I hadn't seen before. Zeus was a drunk, seemed a little angry, and Hera was okay, just a bit clingy. Mostly I felt sorry for her, I could tell she was constantly afraid of him. There was also Poseidon, Zeus' brother, and Amphitrite. They looked pretty much like a married couple. But I've never asked if they were together. Now that I think about it, they probably just fucked from time to time and didn't talk about it."

Carlos sighs and looks up at Jay as if asking for a permission to continue. Jay didn't know why he needed it, but he nodded anyway to comfort him.

"And there was Hermes. I hope he's doing okay. He was really nice to me. I think he just wanted someone for protection, and The Gods were the first gang that would let him in. He was really clumsy, but also very intelligent, he just didn't know it, and there was nobody who could tell him that," Carlos whispers playing with Jay's vest zipper, his laugh almost as cold as ice. His voice shakes at the thought of Hermes being abandoned by The Gods.

"I remember— I remember the guy that was named Apollo. I mean, of course, he wasn't named like that, but that's the only name I could call him. I always thought he was way too clean and bright for such place as the Isle. He practically glowed. But he was cold. Sometimes he would sing or play the piano, and only then I wasn't scared of him. I always hoped I could be as talented as him, but I wasn't allowed to touch his instruments. I wasn't allowed to touch anything that belonged to him, Athena or Ares," Carlos sighed again, wiping away tears from his freckled cheeks and wondering why Jay's still listening to him talking.

"Ares and Athena were siblings, as far as I know. They were both exactly the same. And they absolutely hated each other. They also hated me, I think. They hit me a lot. Not like it was something unusual for everybody else," he said, looking up at Jay. "There were also a couple of other people, like Aphrodite, Artemis or Narcissus, but I didn't see them very often. Aphrodite looked like a model. She was the prettiest girl I've ever seen, and everbody else thought the same. She never visited us, she was too scared of Hades. Artemis definitely wasn't, she could kick anyone's ass anytime she wanted to, but she certainly had some better things to do than watch the others fight. Narcissus... Narcissus just was there. But he was annoying and, you know, narcisstic as fuck," Carlos tried joking, but heard no laughter from the older boy.

"And you already know Hades," he added quietly, closing his eyes when he felt another tear trying to slip away. "He was powerful, and he knew that. Way more powerful than Zeus could ever be. He always tried to prove it, and he always succeeded. He wasn't the leader though, and he never could be, and that absolutely killed him inside. So when I came along, he finally got someone to push around, someone he could yell at, someone who would listen to every word he'd say. And he loved it," Carlos rests his head against Jay's chest as he speaks, and Jay remains silent, not wanting to interrupt lest it cause Carlos to stop and never finish.

"First it was okay. I would make breakfast, do the chores before someone came home and go to sleep. And sometimes I could ever go through the whole day without hiding in the closet," the little smile on Carlos' face has Jay smiling, too. "But then they wouldn't let me see you and Zeus was constantly grounding me. The reasons could have been anything from eating too slow to breathing too loud, and he loved letting his fists do the talking."

Jay feels his body stiffen and clenches his jaw, his smile fading quickly, closing his eyes and feeling horrified as he can't help but conjure up images of a tiny nine year old Carlos being beaten by a grown man.

"I could deal with that though, that was something I could handle. It was Hades that..." His sentence peters out and he takes a deep breath before trying again.

"He started slow, doing things like dressing me up in his shirts that were way too big for me, showing me to his friends and referring to me as 'it', keeping me in his room one night too long and then using the leader's brother card as an excuse to do so when Ares or Athena started arguing with him about it. He just needed someone who would listen to any command he would give. Desperate to have someone like that. I just didn't understand how desperate."

If this is hard for Jay to hear, he can't imagine how hard it was for Carlos to live through, and he presses his lips to the back of his head for a moment, just so grateful he has Carlos here with him now.

"By the time I saw you next, I knew what a blowjob was and what it felt like to be kissed with tongue."

Carlos says it without inflection, even and calm, but Jay feels as waves of nausea and rage wash over him. He would be clenching his fists if it weren't for Carlos playing with his hands. He had barely noticed as he listened that Carlos had grabbed them and began running his fingers soothingly down the palms. Jay feels his heart break as he realizes Carlos is doing this on purpose, that he is doing it to comfort him. It should be the other way around, but Carlos just knows how much this is upsetting him, and Jay wants to cry over this gentle gesture by this sweet yet tragic boy.

"He did other things too, but never..." Carlos again doesn't finish, Jay knows what he is saying though. He never made him go all the way. "It wasn't until I was thirteen that he started talking about me being a man and being ready. That's when I got out of there. Before anything more could happen."

It's the simplified version, but an accurate one. The long version consists of having Poseidon spend the day beating the shit out of him, Zeus shattering a bottle on his forehead, Hermes giving him a new list of chores and Athena losing her cocaine sac and blaming Carlos for stealing it, only to be cornered in Ares' room later once he thought he was safe by a smiling Hades promising to make things better. He didn't anticipate that Zeus would come looking for Carlos again, ready to dish out more punishment. And so upon walking in to find his brother with his hands on his property, the look on Zeus' face was enough to have Carlos running. It wasn't the first time he had done it, but it was the time he would never come back.

"What did you do after that?" Jay asks, finally speaking.

"I thought about finding you," Carlos replies, feeling Jay close his hand around his fingers. "But I didn't know where to look. I ended up meeting this guy named Anthony, Anthony Tremaine. He was around twenty and just passing through, let me hitch a ride with him."

Carlos smiles fondly at the memory, this part of his life was the closest he had come to being happy since Jay.

"He was nice, he would tell me funny stories and share his food. He was my first, actually," Carlos says, somewhat bashful. "It wasn't love or anything, but it felt good to be able to actually give my virginity to someone. I spent so many years afraid that he would take that too."

Jay properly laces their fingers together, leaning his head down to rest it atop of Carlos'.

"He took me as far as Arendelle. It was wild, you know? This big road trip where days and nights just blended into each other," his voice is full of wonder as he remembers, but quickly goes back to being serious as he continues with the story. "But he had a coke habit, reminded me too much of my mom and I didn't really want any part of that. I wasn't angry or anything, just decided I needed to make my own way from there."

Carlos will always be grateful for the time he spent with Anthony, after running away from The Gods he showed him nothing but kindness, something Carlos' life had been severely lacking.

"From there I survived on the streets, mostly begging, sometimes singing for loose change. But too soon I realized if I wanted to make any real money, I was going to have to do a lot more than that. And so one day a man mistook me for a prostitute, asked me for a blowjob, and I just did it. Didn't even really think about it. I guess that's how it started." Carlos' voice has gotten quieter, he's back to being ashamed.

"By the time I was fifteen I had managed to make my way to Auradon, selling whatever I had to along the way. It was just how it was. Then I met Mal, Uma and Gil. Then Harry."

Carlos doesn't want to say any more about it, doesn't want to tell Jay how the first time at only thirteen he just closed his eyes and let Anthony fuck him, how he simplified it all in his head that what happens to his body doesn't matter, that he was already damaged goods.

"After that first week, when you knew how bad things were with The Gods, why didn't you tell me? Why did you agree to stay?" Jay asks quietly, changing the subject for him.

Carlos smiles softly, remembering that day at the park how Jay had hurried over to him full of excitement. Carlos had only agreed because he could see hope in Jay's eyes, something he had never seen before when it came to their futures.

"You just seemed so optimistic, and I didn't know what was to come, I didn't know it'd get as bad as it did."

"What about when it did get bad, and you saw me later that month? Why did you just disappear?" Carlos can hear the pain in Jay's voice as he asks.

"I was so... ashamed of what happened. I felt dirty all the time, and I didn't want you to know, I didn't even want you looking at me. I was so scared you'd figure it out and think it my fault. And then when I saw you, so happy, looking like you finally belonged somewhere, I knew this was your chance to do something with your life, get away from all the bullshit. Mine had already been ruined and I wasn't going to take you down with me, you had taken the fall for me too many times already. You were meant for greater things, Jay, I knew it even then, and I couldn't get in the way of that."

Jay turns Carlos in his lap so he's facing him, taking his head in his hands and not caring as tears fall down his cheeks.

"Yes, you could've. I fucking hated that you were gone," Jay cries. "It was the worst thing that ever happened to me, and I never got used to it. You're the reason I started taking photos all the time, because I kept thinking you'd be back and I didn't want you to miss anything. You're the reason I decided to do something with my life."

Carlos begins to cry with him, and Jay leans in to encircle him, feeling their bodies shake in tandem. Jay would go back and change everything if he could. He loves his life and his studio and his friends, he really does. But he would change everything in a heartbeat if it meant Carlos never had to go through what he did, and Jay tells him as much as they cry into each other's shoulders.

When they eventually start to calm down and Jay pulls back, he lies them both down to face each other, quietly reaching a hand out to wipe the tears from Carlos' face. They lie in silence for a while, just taking the other in, eyes searching for answers to questions neither is willing to ask just yet.

"Did you know it was me?" Jay asks. "When Mal told you someone from the Isle was asking about you, did you know it was me?"

"I did," Carlos answers quietly.

"You didn't want to see me?"

Carlos shakes his head. "It wasn't that I didn't want to see you. I just didn't want you to see me, to have you look at me and know what I was. I liked the memory of how you used to look at me, I didn't want that to change."

"Has it changed?"

Carlos looks deep into Jay's eyes, he can see the adoration and love staring back at him and it makes him smile.

"No."

"I'm sorry I yelled at you that night," Jay goes on to say quietly. "I'm just so scared you're going to disappear on me again."

"I know, it's okay," Carlos whispers, matching Jay's hushed voice.

"That night when we..." Jay doesn't finish the sentence. "Tell me it wasn't because you thought you owed me."

Carlos looks down for a moment, staring at where their legs rest against each other before replying.

"I do think I owe you, you've given me so much. But no," he says, shaking his head. "That's not why I did it."

"Then why?" Jay presses.

"Because I wanted to."

Jay studies Carlos curiously. "But in the morning you said—"

"I know what I said," Carlos says gently, cutting in. "But I wanted to, Jay. It's just I think we shouldn't."

Jay nods his head at that, accepting Carlos' answer, remaining quiet for a moment to absorb the information before posing another question.

"Why did you kiss me then? Before, in the kitchen?"

Carlos smiles sadly, before answering.

"Because after seeing Hades, I realized that if it weren't for him," Carlos pauses, staring Jay in the eyes, "I'd have been kissing you for a long time now."


	20. [stand with you]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always, thank you for reading, i appreciate all of your comments!

It's been about a week since Carlos told Jay everything that happened to him, and things have already gotten better. After their conversation, Jay feels like Carlos has become a lot more comfortable, a lot more peaceful than he has ever been. This certainly doesn't mean everything is perfect. There are still things between them that remain unsaid, but Jay is hopeful. 

He understands that Carlos still thinks they shouldn't be together; Jay has his own doubts too. Carlos is the most important person in his life. He knows that if they decide to take whatever it is that has been going on between them any further, there is a risk it could all go very wrong. But then, as soon as he looks at Carlos, sees his smile, hears his laugh, his doubts become irrelevant.

Everything that has happened in Jay's life, all the people he's met, all the decisions he's made, everything, all had led up to the moment when he would finally find Carlos again. And so the risk doesn't really matter, because it doesn't feel like there's ever really been one, like after everything that has happened, there just isn't a chance that this could go wrong. Because when he looks over at Carlos' sleeping form, late in the night as he lies against him, he just knows there is simply no way that this isn't exactly how things were destined to be, even from the very beginning.

* * *

It's a Saturday morning and Jay and Carlos are sat in a small café having breakfast. Jay had still been sour about missing out when Lonnie and Carlos went without him all those weeks ago, and so an amused Carlos had agreed to go with him this morning. They had spent their Friday night having a few drinks in the studio as usual, and while definitely not as hungover as the two of them had been last time, Jay and Carlos had still drank enough to be starving for something greasy and delicious now.

Last night was good for everyone, it's always nice to meet up at the end of the week and just be together, not worrying about anything else that might be going on. Jay even put aside his work for the night to just talk and laugh with everyone. Mostly this was due to Carlos, who had wound up in his lap and refused to move quite early on in the evening, distracting him from anything business related. The others had ended up gathering around them at Jay's desk too, poking fun at each other and acting like the odd functioning family that they have become.

Due to the fact Carlos had been drinking, he didn't feel as awkward as he thought he would under all the stares Jay and him were receiving as he lounged against the older man. Even Jay was surprised Carlos was allowing this level of affection as he wrapped his arms around his waist and cuddled into him in front of everyone. But they've done it once before and Carlos figured he may as well just let it happen, he likes it when Jay's protective arms are holding him to his broader frame, and he couldn't bring himself to actually move and lose the feeling.

They spend their breakfast in quiet conversation, and Jay can't stop smiling across at Carlos even during the intermittent silences. Carlos can feel Jay's brown eyes watching him as he eats, and he should find it uncomfortable, but instead he has to stop himself from smiling back. They share their food, or Carlos does whether he wants to or not, as Jay keeps reaching across the table to steal what he can from his plate. Not that Carlos minds, he is enjoying the familiarity of it, remembering what is was like to sit with Jay during meal times back when they were in the group home.

Eventually when they get up to leave, Jay insists he pay for their meal, which makes Carlos feel odd in a way that has nothing to do with feeling like he should be paying his own way, but more to do with how much it makes him feel like their casual little breakfast has started to increasingly resemble something like a date. He doesn't know how he feels about that, about being on a date, and he starts to become suspicious as Jay holds the door open for him that perhaps this was his plan from the beginning.

Carlos is still in his own little world, contemplating this idea, when as he steps through the exit, he receives a hard bump to his shoulder, shocking him out of his reverie. The man he has connected with is much bigger than Carlos, so it's a decent knock and he stumbles into Jay.

"What the fuck?" the stranger curses, glaring down at him as if Carlos had purposely done it.

He feels Jay tense next to him, and Carlos steels himself. Jay used to be quite an angry kid when they were younger, which Carlos doesn't blame him for, it was hard not to be bitter growing up the way they did. Upon meeting Carlos however, the usually mistrustful and ill-behaved boy had taken an immediate liking to him, and protected him with a fierceness that everyone who knew them would become wary of. No one could touch Carlos without also having to deal with Jay, and it seems things hadn't much changed now that they're older.

Carlos can appreciate why Jay feels this way, how people like Harry or Gaston could evoke such reactions from him, but Carlos is all grown up now, and he doesn't need Jay shielding him from the world anymore. If anything, Carlos feels like it should be the other way around, that Carlos should be protecting Jay from the kind of people he has become too accustomed to dealing with.

"Sorry," Carlos mumbles quickly, knowing full well it isn't really his fault, but wanting to diffuse the situation quickly. He doesn't want this to turn into something bigger than it needs to be, he doesn't want this to ruin their morning.

"Just watch where you're going," the man snipes, and Carlos can sense the way Jay is glaring at him, angling his body in front of Carlos' smaller frame.

However, to Carlos' surprise, Jay doesn't say anything, he instead just takes a deep breath, slips his hand into Carlos' and continues walking, doesn't even falter when they both clearly hear the words "fucking faggots," mumbled under the stranger's breath from behind them.

Carlos knows Jay is holding back, he knows he is making a conscious effort not to lose his temper and yell something, and he knows he's only doing this for him. Carlos smiles to himself as they walk back to the car, and keeps his hand firmly secured in Jay's until they get there.

"Do you mind dropping me at Ursula's before you head home?" Carlos asks once they're seated comfortably inside the car. "Mal's there today."

"Yeah, that's fine. How are you going to get home though? Do you want me to stay?"

"No, you have a shoot this afternoon, remember? I'll just catch the bus back. Besides, you guys said you wanted me to convince her to come clubbing with us, I think this is going to take a bit of sweet talking and you're not good at that."

Jay scoffs. "How dare you? I am an excellent sweet talker."

"With some people, maybe. But certainly not Mal."

Jay laughs at that, remembering Mal's reaction last night to the idea of attending one of Auradon's more expensive establishments for a night out. When Carlos and Mal admitted they had never really been to any of the popular clubs, Evie and Lonnie had insisted they take them, and it had been a while since Jay had been out so he was quick to agree. Mal, not so much.

"Am I good at sweet talking you?" Jay asks, grinning over at him.

"Shut up," Carlos laughs, rolling his eyes. "You are."

Jay laughs again at that, and feeling quite pleased with himself, starts the drive to Ursula's.

* * *

"You've been in high spirits lately, I noticed it last night too," Mal comments, looking thoughtfully over at Carlos who helpfully offered to stack the shelves with her, but in reality is mostly just unhelpfully getting in her way with this stupid faraway, distracted look on his face.

"Jay and I finally talked, you know, about what happened on the Isle."

"Good, I'm glad," Mal says, a genuine smile reaching her face.

Mal herself doesn't actually know what happened to Carlos when he was back on the Isle, but she's never felt the need to ask. While she definitely thinks it is something Jay needed to hear in order to understand what happened to their friendship all those years ago, Mal loves Carlos as is, he is her best friend, and that's all she needs to know.

"Yeah," Carlos agrees, nodding his head slowly before continuing. "I think he might have taken me on a date this morning."

"What makes you think that?"

"I don't know." Carlos shrugs. "He just kept smiling at me, holding doors, and he paid for everything, though I suppose that's not much of a change. But he did grab my hand when we left. It just felt... different."

Mal smirks at Carlos, who it seems is mostly musing to himself out loud.

"Why are you smiling at me like that?"

Mal doesn't answer, just smiles harder.

"What?" Carlos insists, a little petulantly like a small child.

"I've just never seen you like this before. You're love struck."

Carlos scoffs indignant. "I am not."

Mal just laughs. "There's nothing wrong with that. It's nice."

"It's not nice." Carlos says with distaste. "It's disastrous. I already told you that kind of thing isn't for me. Anyway, I'm not here to talk about that. I've been sent to convince you to come out tonight."

Mal laughs again, not pushing Carlos on the issue he is so clearly trying to avoid.

"Oh, really? Well, please, go ahead and give me your best," she says gesturing with her hand. "You've got all day to try."

"Your roots are showing," she adds teasingly after a while, ruffling Carlos' hair.

"Shut up."

* * *

Carlos, of course, is successful in convincing Mal to come out with them, he managed to get her to say yes within the first five minutes. He spends most of the day with Mal anyway, leaving for home by the time it hits late afternoon so he can get ready for tonight.

They didn't talk about his relationship with Jay any further, Carlos managed to steer them clear of that subject, but that didn't stop him from thinking about it all the same. He thought about that night when they slept together, about how Jay made him feel, about his warm mouth and big hands that made him look so small yet feel so safe. Even now he is thinking about it, thinking about doing it again, grabbing at Jay and just crawling on top of him, letting his hands slowly and leisurely explore his body before they go to sleep in his bed.

Carlos doesn't feel completely comfortable thinking about it though. Yes, he's had sex for pleasure before and not just for someone else's gain, but he's never been one to fantasize about it and crave it the way he does when he's around Jay. He's never felt lust like this before and he can't help but feel a little dirty, a little bit like all those people in his life that have taken advantage of him. Logically he knows it's just because of what happened to him, that it's actually completely normal for someone his age to be attracted like he is to someone like Jay. But the shame Carlos carries around with him has never been logical, and he's been carrying it around for a long time now to easily be able to just let it go.

It is while Carlos is walking to the bus stop, entertaining these ideas in his mind, thinking about Jay in ways he shouldn't, that he sees someone he recognizes. It's an old friend of his named Gothel, one of the many women who had been working the corners in the same vicinity as Carlos. He got to know the night life after spending most evenings on the street, and Gothel was one of the vast and interesting characters that he had the pleasure of becoming acquainted with.

She's pale, skinny, with long dark curly hair and in her late forties, and whenever Carlos sees her she is always wearing the brightest of eye-shadows to match whatever she is wearing. Today it's bright purple to go with her skirt and high-heeled wedges. Carlos thinks she's a queen.

"Look at you," she says, eyeing Carlos up and down as he approaches. "Long time no see, baby boy."

"Hey, mama, how are you?" Carlos asks warmly.

"Not as good as you, it seems. I've seen all those big signs around town, does that mean you're out for good?"

"Maybe. Hopefully," Carlos shrugs. "I'm staying with someone at the moment, trying not to fuck it up."

"Oh, sounds hot," Gothel teases, causing Carlos to laugh. "I had a daddy like that once too, took care of me real good."

"Yeah, what happened then?"

"Oh, the usual," she says nonchalantly. "People don't understand what it's like coming from our world, where you're literally on your knees in order to survive, always thinking ahead and ready for things to go wrong. It's too much for them average folk. And they can't get used to knowing what you were, or the idea that you could always go back."

"Yeah," Carlos nods in response. "Jay definitely has a problem with that."

"Jay? I like that name. Is he pretty?"

Carlos chuckles awkwardly before answering. "Yeah, he is."

"Well make sure you take this Jay for all that he's worth and for as long as you can, and then let me know when he gets sick of your little ass and wants to try a real woman."

Carlos shakes his head and laughs again. "I'll be sure to do that."

"Alright, now come here and give me some, I've got a shift to start."

Carlos comes closer and lets her place a kiss to his forehead, smelling the strong scent of her flowery perfume and feeling comforted by the familiarity of it.

"Take care of yourself, baby."

"You too, mama."

That said, they part ways, and Gothel heads in the opposite direction to Carlos, who knows it might be a very long while before they ever see each other again. In a way he hopes it is, which sounds awful, but seeing her again will most likely be because he's back on the streets, which he is aware is still a distinct possibility.

She is right, people can't understand how desperate you become when you're letting others use your body for money. It changes you, and it's a hard thing to accept and deal with when you haven't experienced it yourself. Carlos just hopes that even if this is true for Jay and him, he won't have to resort to such measures again.

When Carlos walks into the studio after a monotonous bus ride, Jay is finishing up a shoot and talking to a model. He's as tall as Jay, strong but lean, and tan, with long blond hair tied at the base of his skull. Carlos can't help but watch them as they interact, look at how they fit, how two people like that make sense, how Carlos doesn't. Jay belongs with someone beautiful, who isn't weighed down by such heavy baggage. Carlos is a burden, but he won't be Jay's, he's become more sure of that now.

When Jay notices him he smiles and makes his way over, the model doing the same but passing where Carlos stands in the corridor to leave the studio.

"Hey, how's Mal? Did you convince her to come?" Jay asks, camera bag in hand as he walks to his office with Carlos following behind, taking his laptop from the other so he isn't juggling too much.

"She's good, and yes, after she finishes work she's going to change and meet us here."

"Knew you could do it," Jay says, turning to wink at him as he uses his back to push open his office door.

Once inside he puts his bag back in one of the shelves behind his desk, and Carlos holds onto his laptop idly, knowing Jay likes to take it up to the loft with him at the end of the day. When Jay walks back over to Carlos he pauses for a moment and looks at him curiously.

"Why do you have lipstick on your forehead? Are there things about you and Mal you've yet to tell me?"

Carlos laughs and rubs at his forehead clumsily. "No, I just bumped into an old friend."

Jay steps closer and grabs his chin with one hand, angling his face toward him.

"You're just smudging it," he says, and uses the other hand to properly get rid of the remaining color.

Carlos stays quiet and studies Jay's face, watching as he furrows his brow in concentration. Jay wouldn't understand someone like Gothel, she'd be too much for him, and it's likely soon Carlos will be too.

"What would you do if I went back to working the streets?"

Jay's fingers falter where they had been moving gently against his skin, and he stares down at Carlos' face in shocked confusion.

"What? That's not— You wouldn't. Would you?"

Carlos sighs, grabbing at Jay's hands who is clearly upset by the question, and pulling them away from his face.

"Come on, we have to get ready for tonight," Carlos says instead, dragging Jay out of his office.

* * *

The club is packed and everyone has been drinking and dancing from the moment they arrived. Carlos is surprised that he actually likes the place, usually wary among such big crowds. But the lighting is low enough that it's allowing a comfortable darkness to blanket him and everyone, and he feels like just another face of many, anonymous and unknown.

At the moment he is in the center of the dance floor, pressed up against the many swaying bodies, Jay being one of them. Carlos feels like he is an awkward dancer, but he doesn't have to put much effort in anyway, Jay's doing most of the work for him, using their close proximity to move Carlos' smaller frame to the music.

They're too close. Carlos can feel how hot Jay is, his body pushing against his own, hips touching too often. Carlos is refusing to look up at him, he knows how small the distance between their lips would be if he did, and he knows Jay is watching.

He stumbles slightly when someone behind him pushes past, trying to make their way through the packed crowd, and Jay hands come to his waist to steady him. Carlos looks up at that, noticing Jay has stopped dancing, and is just staring down at him. There's the slightest sheen of sweat covering his forehead, and Carlos remembers that the last time he had seen Jay like this, he was on top of him and they had just slept together.

Jay clears his throat awkwardly and mouths the word 'drink', grabbing at Carlos' wrist and winding them through the crowd and towards the bar. They spot Lonnie and Evie as they do so, dancing together with their drinks in hand. There's no sign of Ben though, Doug too, but Carlos suspects they've probably found a quiet corner to talk in.

Jay uses his height to find two free stools at the end of the bar they can prop themselves on while ordering their drinks, and Carlos tries to use this new vantage point to look for Mal, hoping she's having fun clubbing for the first time. Carlos himself has been to clubs before, just never one this big and impressive.

It's while he's doing this that he spots a girl at the opposite end of the bar, blatantly eyeing an oblivious Jay who's sitting next to him. She's beautiful, with dark long hair and a shirt that right amount of snug to show off her big breasts. She looks nice too, and Carlos takes a sip of his drink once it's set down in front of him before he speaks.

"That girl's staring at you," he says, nodding his head towards Jay's admirer.

Jay swivels in his chair slightly in order to spot the woman Carlos is talking about, before turning back to him.

"She might be," he answers shrugging, taking a mouthful of his own drink.

"You should go talk to her," Carlos says, trying to make his voice sound upbeat.

"What?" Jay asks confused. "No."

"Why not?" Carlos says, forcing a smile. "She's hot and you're single."

Jay's face drops and he pauses for a moment, before nodding his head and sighing.

"I guess I am," he answers sadly, grabbing his drink and slipping off the stool, promptly disappearing into the crowd.

Carlos stays sitting at the bar, gnawing his lip, telling himself it's for the best. He's lost sight of Jay but he doesn't want to search for him, in case he looks over to see him talking with the girl Carlos had pointed out. He sits there trying not to cry for perhaps a minute longer, before he's off the stool and leaving, walking towards the exit without even a second glance behind him.

Evie's probably going to kill him, Mal will be even worse, but he can't be here anymore. He may think Jay and him aren't good for each other, and he may have suggested he go talk to another person, but he doesn't want to be there to see it happen.

He takes a cab home, making his way up to the loft quietly. The building feels different when it's just him alone, like without Jay he really shouldn't be here. He walks to Jay's room and stops in the doorway, looking at the inviting bed for a moment before turning away. Carlos can't be in there if Jay decides to bring someone home, which he has every right to, Carlos basically told him as much.

Instead Carlos enters the spare room, slowly taking off his clothes until he's down to just his underwear, and sliding across the cold sheets until he can press his body up against the wall. He just hopes sleep will reach him soon, he doesn't want to hear Jay when he comes home, especially if he isn't alone.

* * *

Carlos barely manages to fall asleep, but when he does he is quickly woken by the sound of his door opening. There's a figure standing in the doorway, and logically he knows it's probably Jay, but he still is shifting across the bed and reaching for his phone, pressing the home button so it will light up.

Jay's familiar face comes into view, but he doesn't say anything, just stares at Carlos through sad and heavy eyes. Carlos' phone eventually times out and the room goes back to total darkness, but Carlos makes no move to turn it back on, instead just allowing his eyes to adjust.

Eventually Jay steps into the room, carefully making his way over to the bed. Carlos stays very still as Jay reaches for him, easily scooping him up into his arms and carrying him back to his bedroom. It's obvious from the sway in his walk that Jay's drunk, but Carlos trusts him, and just loops his arms around his neck.

Jay gently places Carlos onto his bed, keeping his eyes fixed on him while he changes out of his shirt and jeans, before getting in himself. He stays close to him, face coming to rest on the same pillow.

"Can't sleep without you here," Jay says, a slight slur to his words and an unfocused look in his eyes.

Carlos doesn't answer, but he doesn't look away either.

"I know what I would do now. If you went back," Jay continues, and Carlos knows he is answering his question he had posed earlier, about him returning to working the streets.

"What would you do?" Carlos whispers.

"I'd come out and I'd stand with you."

He reaches a hand up to cup Carlos' face, and Carlos' eyes close involuntarily at the feeling of Jay's soft fingers caressing his cheek.

"And I'd tell you how beautiful you are, and how much more you deserve. And I'd do it every night until you believed me."

Jay leans in at that, letting his thumb trace the sharp line of Carlos' jaw and presses a soft yet simple kiss to his lips.

"I'm not single, you know," he says when he pulls away, mouth still close enough that Carlos can feel the slight brush of his lips as he speaks. "I haven't been since the moment I saw you on the street that very first night."

Carlos squeezes his eyes shut tight to stop the tears, and tilts his head back slightly so he can no longer feel Jay's mouth inches from his own. Instead, he leans his chin atop of Jay's head and hugs him, and Jay wraps his arms around his waist in return, so he can comfortably rest across Carlos' chest.

"Just go to sleep," Carlos whispers. "Just go to sleep."

He waits for Jay to pass out before he begins to cry, holding Jay's head to his chest and clutching desperately at the brunet strands.


End file.
